Abso Hilare

I was in charge of speaking at orientation yesterday for all the new residents that were starting off.  Essentially, this is the first day of their new CAREER.  Not just job.  CAREER.  A career that will allow them to help heal minds and get the monkey off of a person’s back…  (Who thought up that phrase??  A monkey on your back?  Personally, I’d like to have a little monkey to carry around with me.  I’d name him Percy.)  Anyways, what I’m getting at?  This is an important day.

I’m sitting in the auditorium (which is entirely too big for what we need it for… we have 6 new residents…) and I’m counting heads and I only count five…  Hmm… Well, that’s odd.  Certainly not the way I would want to start out the first day of my new CAREER.  We decide to begin orientation without her… Ten minutes in?  A blur of tangled brown hair flies past the doorway to the auditorium.  Clearly, this girl was not watching where she was going or she would have stopped at the appropriate door and not sped past it like a bat out of hell.  (Which while we’re on the topic… sort of… Is a bat out of hell faster than a normal bat???)  I’m fairly sure someone (*cough! ME *cough!) made that sound a car makes when it comes to a screeching halt… I dunno… Seemed appropriate…  ANYWAYS, she gets into orientation ten minutes late and finds herself seated next to your’s truly. 

Not the best spot if you want to remain unnoticed… I’m a people watcher… I do it like it’s my job…

So, she’s sitting and I get a good look and I start thinking… “My.. that is a LOT of makeup to be wearing for a day outting…  I mean, who wears dark blue eyeshadow?  IT’S SUNNY OUTSIDE.  And her lipstick is just… BRIGHT… And I swear her mascara seems a tad runny or crusty or something…”

And then I look down and see her wrist.

BRIGHT YELLOW PAPER BRACELET.

“2009 45th Anniversary Party!”

You have got to be kidding me.

This girl is still wearing the effing bar bracelet from whatever bar she went to last night.  You know what I’m talking about… The ones you get to scream out, “Look at me!  I’m 21 and I get to drink as much as I want alllllllll night long!!!!”  I’m guessing she got a good hour or two before she hopped on the bar and started dancing to ACDC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.”  Yeah, it was there… On her wrist.  During her first day at her new job AS A DOCTOR.

And then the rest of it all falls into place… The make up from last night, the overwhelming amount of perfume to cover up the smell of Bar, the frazzled, ten minute late entrance…  All the pieces of the puzzle fit nicely into one big FAIL.

It could’ve been forgiven.  I could’ve cut her some slack.  C’mon… we’ve all been there.  Maybe not to this extent but we’ve been there… But THEN when I see her at the luncheon THREE HOURS LATER… She still has it on.  Seriously.

There is nothing to do with this situation but to chalk it up to one COLOSSAL first day at work FAIL.

Long live AH!

Good day!

Thank God for Craigslist. I received an e-mail about a recent [fidiculous] listing on CL and after pissing my pants dying of laughter and coming back as A. Musin II; I decided to post this gem:

“My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!”

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I don’t even know where to start…I don’t even know if I should start.

*Starts

This is probably the most foul act ever pondered since the beginning of time. “Here is the kicker…” Since when is your son being BLIND to be considered a “kicker?”

Examples of Kickers:
1) I’m selling my car for a low price. Here’s there kicker, it has 300K miles.
2) I’m now good friends with your mother. Here’s the kicker, I bed her AND she likes it rough.

The excerpt above–NOT a kicker, woman! I would in fact like to show you a real kicker, my size 9.5 directly to your chin. Dunce.

This is far too effed up. I realized she said this was a gala. So I’m lead to believe that this kids friends will all be in attendance, right? Right. So unless this kid ONLY hangs out with other blind kids, then don’t you think at least ONE of his [honest] friends would do a little something like this:

Honest Kid: *Pokes blind kid in the side. “Hey dude, its John.”
Blind Kid: Broseph, what’s up? Isn’t this party effin boss? My mom went all out and got Lil’ Wayne and he tore it down!
Honest Kid: Bro, I’ve got shitty news for you.
Blind Kid: Oh what could it be? Nothing could go wrong at my glorious 16th birthday gala, right?
Honest Kid: Ultra wrong. Lil Wayne is not here. He is at a Concert in [wherever]. The dude you just heard is a fat 67 year old Jewish man in a wheelchair. Sorry bro, epic fail.
Blind Kid: *faints

I mean, I’m sure that Honest Kid will be in attendance. Not only will HK be in attendance, he will most likely laugh in BK’s face… (However, BK won’t see it… He’ll only fill the faint droplets of spittle flying onto his cheeks) How does mom do damage control? Does she hide BK in a room separate from all and coax his dear pals into not spilling the beans? Does she make the Jewish Tiny Wayne wannabe perform behind a curtain?? If so, will this only provoke MORE questions and possibly MORE ridicule from HK??? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
And yes, the world is a fucked up place.

Addendum: Tiny Wayne grunts??? Is Mom somehow getting Wayne confused with 1997 Master P??? Please. Any answers would be mucho appreciated. [SAP]

*drops mic.
*does moonwalk of stage (for effect of course).

Long Live AH!

P.s. My video audition got rejected;

This week we pause to honor one of the great stars of our time.  Not often does someone come along and touch our hearts the way this guy does…  The music he creates, the finesse he possesses… It’s just amazing.  I was given the task of choosing just one clip to showcase the magnitude of talent he holds at his fingertips and trust ME, it was tough.  (Largely in part,  because he doesn’t have fingers…)  I finally narrowed it down to just one and that’s what I’m sharing with you today.  So, everyone, stop and give a great, big AH thank-you to…

Keyboard Cat.

Buddy, your charisma and talent are timeless.  Thanks for everything that you do.  Long live, AH!!!

Alright, I promised myself I wouldn’t do one of these things but a certain someone who shall remain anonymous [W. Itty!] begged and pleaded until well…I crumbled. So, without further adeu, 25 things you’d never know about A. Musin.

1) Irony: I have a blog but have a hard time volunteering information about myself. Weird? This was easily one of the most difficult posts for me to compose.

2) I didn’t learn how to use a microwave until a very late age.

3) No one wanted to help me so I tried it myself.  This effort of putting a meal in for 60 seconds ended up in me pressing “60:00″, START! Microwave meal fail. Fire.

4) I don’t like video games, but I will kick your ass in Fifa 09. Just the way it is man, such is life.

5) If AbsoHilare never makes a penny, I’ll still be happy with our comedic contribution to the world. *Wipes sap off hands and keyboard.

6) Clearly I’d love to be rake in the bucks writing ish like this - duh!

7) When I was in prep. school I thought I was the best football (soccer in the states) player. Meh, now that I look back…I was alright.

8 ) I just heard someone ask another passenger on the train “is this the F train?” The other lady (with a baby in stroller) said, “I have no idea.” Uhh, I won’t even touch that one. Both bon foolios.

9) I’m surprised I made it to 9, now I actually think I may be able to get through this. *drinks confidence shake. (Yes, they do make those.)

10) Coming into this I knew deep inside I wouldn’t be able to compete with W. Itty’s 25 things, so far I think my projections were accurate. She’s just done far too much random shite. She still owns her Diary!

11) I once went to an excellent party in the city. I then went on the train and took it from the first stop to last stop and then back to the first stop. DON’T ask!

12) On the same night after the party we went to one of the weigh your plates deli’s in the city and I was starving! It wasn’t until I got to the register and saw my total of $16.80 cents did I realize how much food I hoarded.

[This is the official half way mark. *Intermission. In Jamaica, at the movies, we have an intermission at the half way mark. I kinda miss that portion of the movie going experience. This is a clearly a bonus point.]

13) I seriously had food for about 3 days from this one plate (in #12). No joke. I could NOT  finish it!

14) When I got to college I made a new screen name to keep up with the times. So with that said, I got rid of trusty “GShock3000″ and brought in the flashy & uber creative “Jamaicansju”. Yea, Screen name FAIL! Try saying it out loud. It sounds like Jamaican’s Jew. That’s not who I am.

15) I’m now stuck with it just because everyone has it. Don’t judge me, or my screen name.

16) Growing up I was always the youngest one of the group. So, I’d always try to do the cool shit my older compadres (SAP) would do.

17) We all went swimming @ my neighbors house. Big pool, diving board, slip and slide, people doing flips off the roof. Competitive engine was roaring and I was NOT going to be done by these able swimmers. Oh small tid-bit, I didn’t know how to swim yet…

18) So after I saw my friend Matthew do a front flip off the roof I made an announcement that it was my turn to do my stunt dive. All eyes on Young Musin, the floor was mine (lol). I took off with a burst of speed, jumped for the skies, did a wicked 360 Indy ONLY to land my chin directly on the pool deck.  (Told you the floor was mine). Yea, I didn’t know what happened until I got up to celebrate and wiped red, yellow & white liquids from my chin. Note: Do not try to do stunt dives in the shallow end.

19) I learned how to swim accidentally when I almost drowned in a Jacuzzi in Ocho Rios, JA. After that, I swam my ass of (in said jacuzzi). I was the happiest kid ever. Don’t judge!

20) On my first day of 8th grade after moving to NY from Jamaica, this fat girl in a tight RED shirt made fun of my accent in HOMEROOM. Bright and early. I then told her (in front of the class) that she looked like the wife of the Kool-Aid man. I was then deemed cool and accepted by all.

21) I’ve listened to a Dido song here and there…

22) OK I lied.  I have all of Dido’s albums! I don’t know exactly why but it puts me in a good place. This all started when I used to be up all night in college pushing out papers (that may or may not have already been late).

23) I once had this bullshit 8am class called Discover New York. Dumbest class ever. Long story short I was absent 11 times for two reasons. 1) It was too early. 2) It was Discover New York. Get this, I got a B+  Teachers loved me.

24) On vacation I once partied many (long) nights in a row and ended up missing sunlight one day. Yup, fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the sun was down on the next day. Very vampire-esque - I know.

25) I enjoy telling corny yet crafty pun based jokes. Some may know this, some don’t. My affinity for said comedy is somewhat of an Unsolved Mystery,  eerie theme music and  all. (Yea, too bad I found that funny, wish me luck!)

There it is! Didn’t think I’d be able to do it but I pulled it off. Hallelujah!

Clev, you’re up next week! Go Team!

Long Live AH!

So, the folks here at AH have been a little… busy… lately.  You know, with things like work and Gmail group chat and whatnot; and today as Musin and I scrambled around to think of something hilarious to get your Wednesday afternoon going we realized the easiest and quickest thing we could come up with is to tell you 25 different things about us. 

*hears the crowd start chanting “Lame-o!  Lame-o!  Lame-o!”

*shoots dirty look, crowd quiets down…

ANYWAYS.  All four of the members (oh yes, I said FOUR.  Randy?  I’m talkin’ to you.   Oh yesss, son, I’m talkin’ to you!  Noooooo… scruuuuuubs….  Shit.  Wait.  Got off track.   *places self back on track) will be doing 25 things over the next few weeks.  So, yeah, you get to make fun of us.  Well, you all will make fun of me, I don’t know about the other three.  Soooo… let’s get this ball rolllllllling.

1) When I was 12 I saw Jurassic Park in the theater and decided that my name should have been Lex instead of W. Itty.  I signed every diary entry for an entire year with the name Lex. 

2) Apparently, this was all part of a big name-changing phase I was going through.  Two years earlier, I informed everyone in my fifth grade class that at the age of 18 I would be legally changing my name to Alexandra and I would prefer it if people just started calling me that now.

3) A few years back, my mom had baked a German Chocolate Cake with homemade icing and I discovered it in the fridge.  I figured it was for dinner but wanted to taste the icing at that very moment so I… licked it.  No idea why I didn’t just swipe it with my finger.  However, after dinner my mom brought the cake out and announced that she would be dropping the cake off at Mrs. Nicholson’s house…  It was a gift because the lady was elderly.  I had to ‘fess up.  Mother was not happy.

4) I cannot stand the taste of root beer.  AT ALL.  It tastes like peppermint and the smell of it makes me want to vomit.

5) I constantly have a running commentary in my head.  Often, I’m cracking jokes about other people…  This is not nice and I should probably work on it.

6) In the second grade I entered this school-wide art contest and won second place.  It would have been a glorious victory had I, you know, not taken one of my brother’s drawings and completely traced it and called it as my own.  Even at the young age of seven, I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt for my false win… The shame…  I never confessed.  Some kid probably didn’t get into an art school in Paris because of me…

7) When I was 8 years old, I played Mary in the church Christmas play.  I had a solo.  Let me make this clear, despite my mother’s valiant efforts to sculpt me into being a beautiful singer, I cannot sing.  Even at 8.  It wasn’t cute.  It was ear-splitting.

8 ) My freshman year in college, I had lots of classes with Tayshaun Prince.  I’m not going to lie and say that the one time me and my friend, Sarah, saw him out at a theater and he recognized and waved at us, didn’t make me feel a little bit like a celebrity.

9) He might have also said hi once when we saw him on campus.  This cannot be confirmed because my memory is hazy, but Sarah informs me that that totally makes us BFFs.

10) I once farted in front of the entire gym class in third grade while doing situps and then forced my mom to write a note saying the doctor said I was never allowed to do another situp.  Oh the embarrassment…

11) When we were 21, Emily, Sarah, and I went on a Spring Break Cruise.  After a night of drinking, Emily and I wandered onto the deck and proceeded to “pole dance” with one of the skimmers for the pool.  It did not last long as security came and took our “pole” away from us.

12) On that same Spring Break Cruise, an unfortunate looking young man informed us of a new dance called the Weeble-Wobble and how it would be “sweeping the nation” and it would be smart for us to learn it right then and there.  I have not seen that dance since then.  He was mistaken.

13) I once yelled at a waiter at a Mexican restaurant for denying my fake ID and saying it wasn’t me.  It wasn’t me but I was so adamant that it was me that he laughed and let me drink anyways.  He would save me a bracelet every week from then on out so I wouldn’t have to risk using my ID again.

14) According to my journal, when I was eleven I decided I was going to start a club called Tree City. I have no idea what it’s purpose was but I did specify that I was the only member and I “planned to keep it that way.” I said I would divulge all the details in the next entry. It was never mentioned again. I’m guessing the sole membership of only myself was its downfall.

15) Apparently, I believed that there was a chance that my journal would be considered an excellent resource if it were to ever be placed in a time capsule. In the front, I have a page dedicated to “Things of the 90s.”

16) It’s obvious I was dedicated to letting people know of the truly important things of the 90s like what boys I liked, who my best friends were (all of which were crossed out except for Emily. Way to keep it real, Em.), movies (i.e. Aladdin, Free Willy… clearly, I had eclectic taste), and songs.

17) When I was 20, I dated a guy who told me he lived with his sister. He also told me that I was NEVER to just stop by his apartment and I must always call first. He always kept his bedroom door shut and said he “had to keep his dogs in there.”

18) Dude totally wasn’t living with his sister. It was his girlfriend. Looking back, I am an idiot for not putting two and two together.

19) I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but Emily and I got kicked out our church choir for smoking pot.   

20) Oh yeah.. That’s me mentioning that now.

21) The rest of the story?  They actually let us back in the choir after our parents pointed out that it wasn’t very Christian-like of them to turn their backs on us. We got back in, went to a couple of practices, decided it was lame and then we quit. We had big plans that summer. Plans like sneaking out and drinking vodka. Obviously, these things were important and we could only do them that summer.

22) When I was little my mom let me have the honor of naming our second dog since Jason, my brother, named the first one.  I chose Snuggles.  Looking back, if I was my mom I would have vetoed that choice immediately.  That’s a terrible name for a dog.  Makes him out to be a pansy.  Which he totally could have been.  He got attacked by some wild animal and killed a few years later.  For all I know he could have been mauled by a bunny rabbit. 

23) I had a slightly stalkerish crush on Corey Haim that I completely forgot about until I just read my journal. In it I insist that life is not fair because I will never meet him and it’s OBVIOUS that I am the girl for him. (He’s really into nerds who devote their spare time to obsessing about him in their secret diaries.) I even talk about not being able to live if I don’t get to meet him. That’s right, folks, the lack of Corey Haim in my life was going to cause me to stop breathing.

24) Because I just outted myself on my love for Corey Haim I know Emily is going to mention how I wrote to his fan club but it got returned in the mail because it had been disbanded. Why had it been disbanded, you ask? Oh because LOST BOYS CAME OUT IN 1986. I was about seven years late jumping on the Corey Haim bandwagon. Seven long years after he’d hit his prime. He was already well on his way to rehab when my letter came in the mail, I’m sure.

25) I am technically the “librarian” in my department at work.  I find this odd.

Annnd, that’s that.  See?  Wasn’t that fun?  *ducks from flying object.

Ha!  You missed!  LONG LIVE AH!!!