Monthly Archives: December 2007

Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five Random

SECRET SANTA…GONE BAD!

December 27, 2007 – 2:55 pm

It’s CHRISTMAS time again!

With this being my first year with the company I figured it would be a good look for me to sign up for this “Secret Santa” shindig they were organizing. They set a $30 maximum so I figured why the hell not.

I just happened to luck out and pick my bosses name out the hat! No sweat- I know what she likes and what she listens to so I got her a huge black & white poster of the NYC skyline to match her other posters & the new Lupe Fiasco CD as she loves his music.

So it’s safe to say I put thought into my extremely HOT gift for my boss. No? I think so. The person who picked my name out the hat obviously didnt get the “Hot Gift ONLY” memo.

So my secret santa drops off this lil’ shiny bag and says “HERE YOU GO! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” So the set-up was great. I (excitedly) sift through the excessive gift stuffing paper to run into a tie. Now don’t get me wrong folks, I am a very appreciative person and the tie was decent BUT when I went I stumbled upon the rest of the contents in this very gift bag I was at a loss for words. (Sidebar- I am never at a loss for words)

So in addition to the tie she gave me a bar of chocolate and (get this)…a 24 box of  fuckin’ CRAYOLA crayons accompanied by one of those faux old-school 100 dollar bill wrapped pencils. YO I WAS SOOOOO PISSED!! I wanted un-plug my keyboard, walk it over to her desk, and backhand her with it. Then throw (one by one) each and every crayon in that box at her.

Secret Santa: Good for some but for me, not so much.

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Couldn't Make This Up Random Subway Chronicles

SUBWAY CHRONICLES PT. 1: “WET PAINT”

December 26, 2007 – 9:35 am

So its about 8 a.m. and im awaiting the 7 train to get to work. Now i go to rest against the nearest pillar and luckily i catch a glimpse of the ”Wet Paint” sign just in the nick of time and decided to rest elsewhere. Now as i sat on the bench i witnessed about over a dozen people (idiots) go to the SAME pillar and touch it as they walked by. FOR WHAT?! The paint is wet! Do you not believe them?

Even if it wasnt wet, im not touching it. Its like going into a house with a Beware of Dog sign on the gate. Just Stupid.

wetp.gif

 I’m not touchin’ it. Nope. Not me.

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Just Ignant

Gun + Airport = Arrested

December 24, 2007 – 12:39 pm

I try to stay away from the nonsense in the media, especially the stuff sparked by rappers. However, this is just stupid. I just caught a headline that says “Young Joc Arrested With Gun in Airport.”

Ummmm, yeah. Gun + Airport= Arrested. It’s really simple stuff. What the hell was Young Joc thinking? Like, do you really think that a gun is going to go over well at the security checkpoint. Really? REALLY?

-V. Clev

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Couldn't Make This Up The Haps

I Like the Bartender…But He Punked Out

December 24, 2007 – 12:13 pm

I’m home for the holidays, so I head out to a local Mexican restaurant with my brother. Typical night at the bar – loud, plenty o’ drinks, the game is on. This lady comes to the bar, takes a seat, makes a take out order and also gets a drink. So, she’s sipping on her drink. After about 20 minutes she gets a very random ‘tude. The guy to the right of her notices said ‘tude and asks the bartender to get her another drink. The bartender gives her the drink at the same time he’s giving her the order.

This is where the problem begins. Upon giving her the food, ‘tude lady starts yapping about how she was ignored for 20 minutes. That she’s a paying customer and yadda yadda yadda. The bartender looks at her and says with a straight face, “Ma’am it’s Christmas.” Eh hem…needless to say, this didn’t go over well.

So now she’s pissed. Her fresh margarita is sitting on the counter. She takes her hand and SHOVES the drink onto the bartender. He’s now soaked with margarita, broken glass everywhere. AND HE DOES NOTHING nothing. Wouldnta been me. That is all.

-V. Clev

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Garb Random

CORRECT NAMES FOR VERY IMPORTANT ARTICLES OF CLOTHING!

December 21, 2007 – 1:19 pm

So i was having a convo with Clev a few weeks back and we realized that the folks who named MAJOR articles of clothing were crazed–abso ridic!

With that said i give to you the proper title for these ill-named articles. They are heavily used here at AbsoHilare so i advise you read this closely, unless you want to be confused of course. You never know, some people get a kick outta that stuff. No? no.

Now that winter is here yagatta wear the appropriate attire to stay WARM. What does one buy to stay WARM these days? a SWEAT-er? No no no my brotha–a WARMER. I dont know about the rest of you folks but upon my purchase of said item my goal is NOT to be SWEATING ALL THE DAMN TIME, i just want to be warm, so thats why it should’ve been and will be called from here on out– a “warmer”. (Couldnt understand for the life of me  HOW THE HELL they made this blunder but I’m happy its solved, whew!). Ex. “I am going to wear black V-neck Warmer to work tomorrow because its dress-down friday”. (and not a damn HOODY!)

Next up we have the infamous clothing item widely referred to as “Pants”. Now, just so you know im not crazed, and for information purposes ONLY, this is what i found when i looked up pant in the dictionary:

1. to breathe hard and quickly, as after exertion.

2. to gasp, as for air.

3. to long with breathless or intense eagerness; yearn: to pant for revenge. and so on and so forth.

NONE OF THOSE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE GARMENT THAT COVERS ME FROM WAIST TO ANKLE, i know for damn sure my “pants” cant pull off any of those–so where they hell are these people getting there info?? Withthat said, since they are mainly to cover ur legs, they will be referred to as “Leggers” from here on out.Ex. “Im wearing grey dress leggers in the office today.” ( i dont even know how i feel about “trousers” being applicable, just looks wierd) 

Now, lastly, and probably the MOST ABSO. RIDIC. would be one of my favorite items. The “SNEAKer”. (PMO!=Pissing/Pissed Me Off)

Now when i hit up my local “SNEAKer” spot i dont go in there with the intention to purchase the best fit to go snooping around the streets of NY in stealth mode. I buy them to walk/run comfortably in. So with that said, from here on out they shall be referred to as “walkers/runners” accordingly.Ex “If you pick up a nice pair of Stan Smith walkers congrats/ if you purchase a nifty(one my fav words BTW) pair of Air Max Runners then good work”

This report is being submitted for informational purposes only, govern your future clothing verbiage accordingly. I hope you all agree, if not–toughbreak foo’.

P.s : You MUST admit that these things are ABSO RIDIC!! How did they not see this ? Fools.

-A. Musin

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