Monthly Archives: January 2008

Abso Ridic Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 6: “Wiser With Age?”

January 30, 2008 – 10:38 am

WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!

That’s what I believed to be true; until this dumb old lady erased said thought.

So I’m at Roosevelt Station (home of plenty craziness) when I stumble upon a massive LOSS. The worlds BIGGEST escalator is out of service! Yarr!

Now I’m forced to mount this motionless metallic mountain VERY early in the A.M. and i truly wasn’t up to the task. In any event, i tough it out as it was the (supposed) fastest route. I then realize that folks (myself included) are taking baby steps going up this thing while the opposite side enjoyed a brisk skip downwards.

Half-way up I come to find out there is an OLD lady, clutching purse and all, taking her sweet friggin’ snailing DOWN the UP side. You don’t go against the grain of a stalled escalator granny! PMO! Now not only am i late, i am the MOST pissed in the world. For the first time i wanted to slap an old lady. Yup, I wanted to take the glove off her hand, get a frim grasp, and then swiftly back-hand her for being a dunce. As i type this i almost regret that i didn’t.

Lesson here folks: don’t walk down the upside. Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? I didn’t think so either, until today.

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American Gladiators

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (PART 5)?

January 29, 2008 – 11:06 am

So,

I was scared watching American Gladiators this time around. Why? Why was i scared? NOT for the fact that for the FIFTH Monday in a row I’ve tuned in to watch these people make an ass of them self and listen to the commentators say better bullsh*t than the week before, BUT instead i was scared because i was actually paying attention to the competition, developing a favorite, and then…then…cheering for said favorite?

Crazy right…Ah well, sad to say if you missed this weeks episode you missed something KEY to the competitive aspect of the show but i was a bit disappointed by the work on the writers behalf. BUT no fear, they did leave us with a few classics as always and we at AH (Absohilare) never skip a beat on those. In no specific order:

1) As Tony takes a serious hit while trying to make her way through the Gauntlet the commentator spewed, ” Tony was taken to the School of Hard Knocks…and the subject was POWERBALL.” Oh Gimme a Break!

2) “Cracking the back of the chiropractor.” Could’ve done without.

3) “Sound the alarm because we’re never tiring of siren.” Never what?! Tiring? PMO!

4) I’ve just about had enough of this Wolf guy and his constant howling. He also needs to realize he is a man (NOT an actual wolf), and to hint to another man, “I missed my first meal, and i don’t miss two in a row” is not cool, at all.

5) Now truly Hellga does not scare me, at all. She looks A LOT like (Please Click) Little Debbie after consuming too much of her own product. Am I Lying?

6a) One thing that had me rolling was watching the WORST performance in the Eliminator ever. I don’t know if anyone else watching realized this but Kim took SOO LONG to make her way through the eliminator they TURNED THE TRAVELLATOR OFF!! (as in when she got to the Travellator, all she had to do was grab the rope and WALK up!

6b) So now after a less than SHAMEFUL showing she did the “Amp the crowd up” move that people/teams who did/are on the verge of doing something spectacular use. *Waves hands up and down from waist to above head* while saying, ” thanks guys! I tried!”. No FOOL! You can’t use that move with that line! You sucked!

All in all a fair episode and with Semi-Finals next week I’m looking for the writers to say some of the madness of old.

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About us Nine to Five Random

I’m A Fool?!?

January 28, 2008 – 11:46 am

No, I am not. Clearly someone was mistaking me for one.

So, I’m a photographer, right. And every now and then I have people try to TRICK me into shooting an event for them for free. I don’t like wool, so please dont try and put it over my eyes, no me gusta.

I get an email a few days ago from a theatre telling me that someone referred me to them and they would like me to shoot their gala. Yippppeeeeee, right? But wait, what do they offer me for payment…FREE tickets. I don’t think you understand. It’s free to see the shows. Get that…They offered me FREE tickets to something that is already FREE. They basically said, “Hey, chances are you’re bored and dumb so you might as well use your fancy camera over here, for free.”

Just imagine being at work and your boss asks you to work an extra 20 hours. For compensation, he offers you an extra pack of paper clips. That’s right, he’s going to give you all the paper clips (that are readily available to anyone), because there is NO WAY you could get them anywhere else; wool.

Here’s some more things that PMO about this email:

1. This lady starts the email by telling me how great the person that referred me is. (Nope, nothing about how great I am. Maybe you think she’s so great because she convinced you that I was a jackass and willing to work for these “tickets.” PMO)

2. Then she tells me they are celebrating their 30th anniversary. (So, after 30 years, you guys haven’t found a way to raise money.)

3. There will be great food and an open bar. (Oh, because I will be able to enjoy these things right? So you guys HAVE found a way to raise money, but just not to pay me because the person who referred me told you I was a jackass.)

So yeah, ma’am from the theatre, go blow dry your face.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny

“Can’t Read?” [Abso Ridic Pt.1]

January 24, 2008 – 12:08 pm

If something doesn’t seem awkward about presenting that question via this medium then you need to close this browser and set your computer on fire.

So here I am just (legally) downloading some songs a friend sent me from a popular online file hosting site. To access the file you have to put in a three letter code for security purposes. So directly below the three letter code given, they have a supposedly helpful tab that reads (I swear to God) “Cant Read?”. WHAT?! WHAT?! You have GOT to be effin kiddin’ me. Like, i just don’t get it.

Website: “Cant Read?”.

Illiterate: “Well no, no i cannot read, this must be the link for me!” Is that how it’s supposed to work?

That is pure fu*kry on so many different levels I don’t even know where to begin. (Or do i?)

1) If I could not READ, would I be able to READ that tab that READS “Cant Read?”. WOULD I?

2) If I could not READ, what in the world am I doing on the Internet? Seriously, i don’t get it.

3) See above.

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Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny

Is this really a good time to nap Bill?

January 23, 2008 – 2:12 am

Bill Clinton falls asleep during MLK ceremony? Hmmm..Is he kidding me?!?! Sleep, during a speech, that’s hot?

Oh, I don’t know…after being a public figure for a ridiculous amount of years, when do you begin to realize what cameras look like? You don’t see them? YOU don’t see them?

He better quickly find a little black baby to kiss to make up for this.

Note: We caught this earlier. But when deciding to post American Gladiators or something else, well American Gladiators is usually going to win.

Bill Clinton + Sleep During MLK Speech – No Black Baby to Kiss = LOSS

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