Monthly Archives: January 2008

American Gladiators

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (PART 4)?

January 22, 2008 – 10:07 am

As sure as the night is dark, American Gladiators is sure to provide PLENTY FUNNY!!

I guess in efforts of keeping up with these historically ridiculous trite lines they kicked it up a notch in this episode. It’s safe to say that we have stumbled upon one of the most comical series of all time. I would like to spend just ONE day with these writers to see what they are saying after they write these lines. Do they say, “this is great they will absolutely love it?” Once again folks, if you missed it, this is ALL you need to know.

1) There was an Asian contender by the name of “Son“. That provided a steady chuckle every time he was on.

2) Now while Son (tehehehe) was struggling to get through the Gauntlet the commentator felt the need to add, “Now it’s Toa the Samoan asking Son where he’s goin’!” PMO!

3) While in the same Gauntlet challenge the commentator also let loose with, “Mayhem (who we strongly believe is an Old Lesbian) is looking to throw a BLOCK party.”

4) Wolf (who usually howls) decided to say to a contestant, “I’m thirsty and your blood is going to be dripping from my fangs.” Take it easy bruiser, it’s only American Gladiators.

5) Following said event Hogan went on to say, “I guess i was a full moon and the wolf was out for blood.” Was he? Was he really Hulk?

6) There had to be a Hulk/Wolf competition going on because Wolf then went on to say, “There has been a full moon since the day i was born, every time i see red (in reference to the contenders outfit) I’m going after you like little red riding hood.” I was pissed (seriously) after i heard that sh*t.

7) Poor Venus after being eliminated said, “I tried to shake and bake but it wasn’t enough…not enough SHAKING i guess.” WHAAAAT?!?!? SO did you over-bake? Like, I can’t with this foolishness, and i won’t.

8 ) After Toni ends up in the water (because at least 85% of American Gladiator events are held over water for whatever reason) she says, “I’ve been in the water so many times I’m starting to get sick.” Hogan follows with, “You need to step up and grow some GILLS.” Hogan, she is a contender on American Gladiators…not a fish. No gills coming anytime soon.

Also I’ve come to realize i completely despise the phrase, ” Now that’s what I’m talking about” after a good showing. I just don’t get it, what exactly ARE you talking about? In fact, you didn’t do any talking at all. So you weren’t talking about anything. Liars.

Nothing better to watch on a Monday night at 8 o’clock. See you folks next week for the continuation of this comical American Gladiators series.

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Couldn't Make This Up Garb Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 5: “You’re Supposed to have TWO!”

January 18, 2008 – 10:35 am

Here i am minding my own business on a Queens bound F train when at the Parsons stop confidently enters a man of Indian descent who apparently hasn’t been shopping since circa 2002.

This psycho (he had to be insane, not asking any questions) was wearing a tan FLIGHT JACKET (couldn’t tell the last time I’ve seen one of those) , a pair of jeans that looked like one big fuck up of denim patches, and then what HAD to be some clearance Nike womens walkers.

The funny part is, that’s not even what landed this man a feature spot in the Subway Chronicle Series ! In fact, it was the dark M he was wearing above his nose. Not only did this man have ONE SOLID super-unibrow, but he took the time to shape the shit up!! The solo-brow was half way down his nose bridge and could easily have extended to his ear lobe. This was a SERIOUS bush-like patch folks. I’m positive that this woolly-brow HAD to impair his vision. Of this i am certain.

I’m going to have to start trying some paparazzi moves and sneaking pics of these people so you can go through what i have to go through. Painful sight.

Also, if you realized i tagged this post under three categories. Couldn’t Make This Up, Subway Chronicles, and especially Garb as i feel that his feathery facial feature highly qualifies as an article of clothing.

Comments (21)
Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny

NINJA BANDIT?!

January 16, 2008 – 12:26 pm

The following excerpt was taken from Newsday.com (really) :

NEW YORK – Staten Island’s costumed crook known as the Ninja Bandit has apparently struck for the 19th time.

In the latest incident, a family on Melhorn Road in the Castleton Corners neighborhood reported that the thief stole more than $100,000 worth of jewelry.

“The M.O. fits the pattern” of the 18 earlier Ninja heists [ NINJA HEISTS?!?! ] , said Officer Martin Speechley, a police spokesman.

The burglary took place between Wednesday and Friday of last week, Speechley said. (1) A sliding glass door was left open, indicating that the thief exited through it and may have entered through it, he said.

The victim, Dr. Shahabuddin Ahmad, told the Staten Island Advance that (2)the home has an alarm system but it did not go off.

(3)”I feel afraid, insecure, violated and depressed … very depressed,” Ahmad said.

The Ninja Bandit got his nickname after an earlier victim said (4)the intruder wielded a set of nun-chucks when they scuffled in the home owner’s kitchen in September. Other residents have also said they encountered the burglar, but the suspect has managed to escape each time.

The Ninja’s burglary spree has prompted Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly to (5) urge Staten Islanders to lock their doors and windows and to activate their alarm systems.

- Alright now first of all this man is brilliant. WHO…WHO sits home and thinks, “Hmm, i wonder what costume I want to sport while robbing these rich fools? Ah HA! I’m going to be a NINJA!” A NINJA?!?

Now onto my numbered points.

(1) A sliding glass door was left open = PLEASE ROB MY HOME whenever you get a chance.

(2)the home has an alarm system but it did not go off. So what your saying is you actually DON’T have this alarm system you speak of. An “alarm” system is supposed to “alarm” you of intruders no? Well if it doesnt friggin alarm smarty pants, YOU DON’T own one!

(3)”I feel afraid, insecure, violated and depressed … very depressed.” This man is a melting pot of emotion! He is feeling ALL TYPA WAYS about this incident!

(4)the intruder wielded a set of nunchucks when they scuffled in the homeowner’s kitchen. Honestly, if a man popped up in a black ninja suit swinging friggin nun-chucks in my kitchen i’d probably hit the floor in tears–OF LAUGHTER! I would laugh so hard i would probably piss myself and then say GET the hell outta my house with those damn nun-chucks Ninja Gaiden. :>X

(5) urge Staten Islanders to lock their doors and windows and to activate their alarm systems. If it takes your local Police Commissioner to urge you to lock your doors and turn on your alarm then I will personally drive to Staten Island and rob your house myself. That makes NO sense to me that grown ass people need to be reminded to lock the doors of their homes! Also, is the the BEST your towns Police Commissioner can come up with to solve the NINJA PROBLEM this town is facing?

What a crazy world we live in.

Update: This is the Ninja villain our dear friend Whitney would be if she had a choice. I bring to you, The NinjaBread Man.

Comments (14)
American Gladiators

Who Writes for the New American Gladiators (Part 3)?

January 15, 2008 – 2:39 am

I was a tad disappointed with this episode of American Gladiators. It just didn’t have enough “fang tough” or “welcome to the gun show.” However, without fail, they still provided enough lines to make me scream WTF?@%#^ at least 3 times. And here they are if you missed it:

Let’s meet our first contender (I don’t like this word): Minister Andy. After the original contender (Nope, still doesn’t work for me) was injured by Mayhem in the first game, Minister Andy replaced him. (Ok, so this is the second injured contestant in 4 episodes. Maybe they’re a little rough, no? I mean, if you break someone’s ankle in 10 seconds, maybe you should avoid humans. Also, does anyone else realize that Mayhem looks like an old lesbian. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) No, no? Was I the only one that noticed that. Alright, alright, I’m heading back to the topic…now.)

In his interview tape, Minister Andy- who is pretty built (was that wack?)- informs us that his friends make fun of his work out habits and calls him the following names:

  • The preacher of pain
  • The reverend of rip

Ohhhhh noooo! Keeping that to himself would’ve been ok. I didn’t need to know. Did you? I have no idea how this next line came about, but Andy adds, “I’m all about the Hebrew Hammer.” The contender (Suggestions for another word please) he replaces is seen later wearing a Hebrew Hammer shirt. (Is he the Hebrew Hammer? Who is the Hebrew Hammer?)

(UPDATE: It’s just come to my attention – I googled it – that the Hebrew Hammer is a movie about a Jewish superhero. Hmmmm)

Hogan, who REFUSES to by outdone, says to Minister Andy before the Joust:

  • “Looking to baptize you is the awesome Titan.” Hmm..REALLY?

Then Hogan rambles off this little number after Sharaud defeats Titan:

  • “You are the man of the hour. You are the man with the power. YOU’RE THE MAN TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR.”

And that folks is where I go to sleep.

Whitney, did you catch anything? I have a couple more, but I have to sleep that one off.

Mayhem, old lesbian?

mayhem_0211.jpg

Comments (6)
Seriously Funny

That’s My Quarterback

January 14, 2008 – 1:44 pm

So, not only did the Dallas Cowboys suffer a major loss to the Giants yesterday, but Terrell Owens, for some reason, felt it necessary to CRY as he defended Tony Romo.  This is another simple equation folks:
Terrell Owens + Crying = Embarrassing Loss for T.O.

UPDATE: Musin and I are having a little disagreement over here. I can’t figure out why, but he doesn’t find this video funny. However there is this video of a dumb DOG crying that he thinks is funny. We need your help. Watch the two videos below and tell us what’s funnier…T.O. crying or the dog crying

Comments (13)

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