Monthly Archives: January 2008

Garb Nine to Five

Sofa-King Ridiculous!

January 11, 2008 – 4:31 pm

So I’m on my break here at work in the lunch room lazing around a bit, watching some tv and enjoying the fact that the weekend is here. 1) I can relax. 2) American Gladiators is only 3 days away!

As i decide to head back upstairs and finish up what i have to do i became a witness to the MOST startling sight known to man. Now as we all know i have seen Dress Down Fridays go wrong before but this…this takes the cake.

So this man appears almost of nowhere looking like a mix between Fonzie from Happy Days and John Travolta in Grease. I lie to you NOT! This man had the heart of a lion , he had to, he was wearing a burgundy crushed velvet shirt!! I swore it was a walking SOFA!! As he came down the steps i EXPLODED in laughter, i had no choice! If i didn’t laugh, i would’ve died keeping it in. I WISH you folks could’ve seen the stunt this man tried to pull, chest hairs woofin’ and all!!

That was some wild shit.

Add 45 pounds, a burgundy crushed velvet shirt, and some chest hair and that’s your guy.

 EYyyyyyy!!!

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Couldn't Make This Up Random Seriously Funny

Cash Money and Other Life Lessons

January 11, 2008 – 4:50 am

Let’s talk about mad and stupid.

I’m mad because this little old couple (no idea why I think they were little) was so stupid. If you’ve been on this earth for 65 years, you should know a few things by now.

So, this couple moves into an apartment. Putting in boxes, clearing stuff out, inspecting this, yadda yadda yadda. Now, they head to clean the freezer and in the process, they find $12,000 stuffed in the back of it.

What do they do with the money you ask? Oh oh oh my friends, they turn it in. Yup, that’s right, they turned it in to the oc-i-fers. So now, they’re hoping they’ll get to keep the money since nobody is claiming it. OF COURSE nobody is claiming it. Do you think someone ACCIDENTALLY left $12,000 in CASH MONEY (this term has never made any sense to me. Just think about it for a second, CASH MONEY).

As it turns out, and no shock to me, the apt was raided before they moved in and the previous tenants were arrested on all types of drug charges. Now, I’m def into returning things that aren’t mine, but if you find money in a freezer after the previous tenants were arrested on drug charges, it’s safe to keep it. If you’re 65, you should know that, no? Because if you turn it in, this is what will happen: The police say the city will likely keep the money.

If you do decide to turn it in, just don’t tell me you’re hoping they’ll give it back to you. Friggin PMO (pissing me off, for those of you that have joined us late).

So, I ask you this…Have you ever wanted to ask someone that’s invaded your personal space, “You’re aware you smell horrible, right?” (Yes, I’m aware that this question has abso nothing to do with the previous story, but do I really have to ask who would keep it?)

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Couldn't Make This Up Just Ignant Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 4: “Air Force + Faux-chilla = Loss”

January 9, 2008 – 3:10 pm

What is the world coming to?

On this day i speak of i saw a very “needy-looking” man (not gunna go start calling the man a bum because i dont know his personal business nor was i 100 percent sure of his bum credentials so for now i will stick with “needy-looking” man to play it safe) loitering by the F train at Roosevelt Avenue.

So on this frigid day i see this man confidently walking along the platform damn near barefoot. I say that because his black/white Air Forces were a lot more Air than they were Forceful. When you wear walkers i’m not supposed to be able to see your toe(s).

So aside from his Air Airs, he was sporting a pair of sweatpants that could EASILY pass for sweat-capris. No joke. If the foot of his pants were alive they would be stretching, kicking and screaming in attempts to cover his ankles. But here’s the kicker, this man was brave enough (with all these holes and gaps in his outfit) to wear a friggin FUR coat. I laughed in his face, i could NOT help it. Where did he find that coat and more importantly WHO was he trying to fool with that damn faux-chilla coat?

Not I.

P.s. At best it could pass for a rat skin coat.

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American Gladiators Couldn't Make This Up Random

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (Part 2)?

January 8, 2008 – 9:25 am

After Sunday nights comedic commentative catastrophe it was only right for me to tune in to see part two of the season opening episode of American Gladiators. I tuned in with hopes that the first nights corn-fest was just a shameless ploy to get our attention and have us come back to watch (what i thought would be) a night of better written content.

Have you ever been wrong about something before? Well i have, and the previous thought ranks high on the “boy was i wrong about that” list. Don’t worry, if you missed it, here is ALL that you need to know:

  1. They put THE most country boy on this show. “I do radiation control, i get to play with nuclear waste.” [ that's hot? ]
  2. The same man also said, ” I love my wife dearly, she is all i know. Ive never even held hands with another girl in my life.” [ WHAT?! ]
  3. Commentator says, ” Toa sent Adonis on a downtown train to waterville.” [ abso ridic ]
  4. They actually used, “welcome to the gun show” to introduce a Gladiator…and they were serious.
  5. Country boy said, ” he was a little bit slippery you know, but its just like HOG WRESTLING at the fair, i took care of him.”
  6. Commentator says, ” Wolf is ready to FANG tough.” [ OHH NOOO!! ]
  7. Hulk Hogan actually said ” You had more moves up there than a bowl of jello .” [ WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THIS? ]

I mean, there was a lot more said but i just CAN’T with these people, are they serious? Are they?

P.s. Congrats to my boy Adonis on a good showing last night.

If you missed it on Sunday…Here’s giving him the business. (Thanks for the link Chris)

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American Gladiators Couldn't Make This Up Random

Who Writes for the New American Gladiators?

January 6, 2008 – 11:06 pm

I’m talking to A. Musin tonight and he reminds me that the new American Gladiators is coming on. So, I sit down like f*$k-ass yeah. Who doesn’t remember watching American Gladiators? This is going to be great, right? HELL NO! What was supposed to be a night of assault, the wall, the eliminator and some other shat, turned out to be…well, I’m not sure exactly what it was.

If you missed it, here is everything you need to know.

1. They have the worst writers ever. Who writes stuff like:

  • Chad scores his first two points and becomes the meat in a gladiator sandwich.
  • Koya the destroya
  • Are you ready to shake and bake up there?
  • The sun, the moon, the stars and venus were definitely aligned. (Venus was the competitor’s name)
  • He’s no stranger to H2O. (Humans are generally familiar, no?)
  • Cruising for a bruising.

2. Laila Ali’s voice is very harsh on the ears and it’s necessary to turn the T.V. down whenever she speaks.

3. Gladiator games need water. Seriously, every event was played over water. What the font? What exactly is wrong with the floor?

4. Wolves can be gladiators too. And howling is an appropriate way to communicate. You can also be a gladiator even if you don’t know the rules of the game.

5. It’s perfectly acceptable to name an infraction, “Giving him the business.”

So yeah, lots of foolishness (But I will tune in next week).

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