Monthly Archives: February 2008

Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 8: ” What If…”

February 29, 2008 – 4:51 pm

After a long day of work I am literally dragging to get to the train. I find myself at the infamous Roosevelt Avenue stop (Home of “Air Force + Faux-Chilla = Loss” & “Wiser with Age”) wondering why the hell the magnitude of the everyday commuter population has grown so rapidly.

So as I traverse down the platform towards my usual waiting spot I realize an unusually large gathering forming in a circular fashion around what used to be my waiting place. So I’m now forced to move over a little bit but I just HAD to find out what the situation was. (NO! I’m not nosey…but you would’ve looked too.) So I glance over and immediately spot a mullet sporting, poorly clothed, inebriated bum. NO QUESTIONS this time however about this man’s bum-ness. His bum credentials were concrete with bum certificate (brown paper bag) on hand. (Summa BUM Laude! :x . Oh No!!!)

Now infront of Jimbo (just a name we will use to identify the overly qualified bum) hovered this police man who did not look like he was there to help. So while (not being nosey) paying attention to the developing situation down the line comes my train. As the train approaches I see the police take out his radio but with all the hullabaloo from the train I couldn’t make out his request.

Dilemma: Do I stay to view the turnout (be nosey) OR do I get on the train and continue in my homeward bound journey? Eff it, I was tired, home it was.

Then this crazy thing housed above my eyes by the name of the “brain” starts to conceptualize possible events that could have transpired post my departure. Sadly, the best scenario I could come up with was that the police officer took out his batton, hit Jimbo in the head to wake him up, then gave him two tickets. One for public indecency and the other for loitering. Yea, sucks right? BUT then I thought…If this police office was BOLD (dumb) enough to write Jimbo a ticket, who the fu*k would pay it? LOL.

YO! I laughed out loud on the train while trying to figure out who would pay Jimbo’s ticket. Would Jimbo go to court? Would Jimbo be able to find his way to court? Would they send notices to his home? Does Jimbo even have a home? Would they just paste a multitude of tickets on random corners/park benches? Jimbo is a homeless person, would he have money to pay for two tickets? Does Jimbo have any money at all?

Somebody help me. Please.d

That is all.

Ok I lied.

So while I was in DC (which shall be referred to as the Home of the Homeless) this past weekend I got hit with a quick surprise. So on our way from having one good time to another we were (again) asked the time by who…YOU got it! Another BUM! These DC Jimbo’s must be some busy little critters. This was even more weird than before because, 1) he was knelt down on the corner and 2) he was polite.

“Excuse me sir, do you have the time?”I replied quickly ” Its 9:50 man, where do you need to be?” I didn’t wait for the response as I was too busy going from one good time to another. ( I never said this before. That was a Lie. You follow? I do.)

That is all. (Seriously)

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About us Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Things of that Nature…PMO!

February 27, 2008 – 10:03 am

(Picks up microphone at podium)

Firstly,

I can’t STAND office meetings. I don’t know what it is but as soon as I even peer into the conference room it’s almost as if I become locked in a choke hold of sleep! I can hang for about a good 15-20 minutes without dozing but after that all bets are OFF!

This time however I got caught off guard with a serious double whammy. Not only was I trying to loosen the grip of the sandman but I was also being subjected (repeatedly) to the most annoying, overused, thoughtless phrase known to man. I wanted to rip my ears off, then, paste them over my eyes as to not hear or see anything else related this corpulent pile of bore.

Blah blah blah blah blah and “Things of that nature.”

BOO! I mean, once here and there i can’t get mad at that. (Even though I will because I hate it.) But this man was blatantly abusing this cop out phrase. It’s clearly a phrase for people who lacking in vocabulary stature or are simply fluffing the majority of their sentence. Evil people they are, evil. This man wasn’t even using it as a life boat, he just LOVED using it. Imagine every other sentence ending in things of that nature.

Imagine if I was to tell you about boring things you would be uninterested, disappointed, pissed and things of that nature. When you read AbsoHilare you enjoy yourself, laugh, tell your friends and things of that nature. PYO (Pissin’ You Off) yet? It’s definitely PMO! If it isn’t lets continue…So during the week most adults go to work, go to after work events, watch TV/Movies and things of that nature. On the weekends these folks usually use the extra time to hang out late, shop plenty, hang out late and things of that nature. PMO!

I can’t even put myself through the pain of typing this anymore. It’s either you learn some more damn words or wrap the sh*t up. You can use a period you know. What usually pisses me off is when it is used the sentence was already over! 99.9% of the time its used for no reason, only to piss me off apparently. Either learn some more synonymous terminologies or end the friggin sentence.

(Puts down the microphone and walks off stage with both hands in the air. No reason for hands in the air to be honest just for show, adds effect. Respect my hands in the air.)

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Just Ignant Random

Diddy: His Face Ran Into My Hand

February 20, 2008 – 2:07 pm

I know we tend to make statements and then let you in on the fact that they are fibs, but this…this time, this all true. (That was a lie. Just Kidding! Imagine though!! You wouldn’t trust a word said here….wait, do you? Do I? I Digress?)

If the content in the title looks and sounds stupid, it’s not. It’s beyond stupid, dumb would be an understatement. There actually isn’t a word to properly identify the level of retardation needed to not only come up with, but also to use that statement under oath, in front of a JUDGE!

It seems that breaking the law is only a reason to come up with a stupid legal defense.

We told you about Roger Clemons last week and his whole “he misheard” defense. (PAH!)

Now this week, Diddy has bought a first class ticket on the stupid train (that was wack? Blame American Gladiators).

Not sure if you’ve heard about Diddy’s assault case. However, Diddy’s defense is…this is abso ridic…the man’s face ran into his HAND. What?!?!? Is that the best you can do? Who’s buying that?

Seriously Diddy, you’re going to go into a court of LAW and say judge, “I didn’t hit that man (even though 4 people said they saw me do it). What ACTUALLY happened is that I lifted my hands up and his face ran into them.” Yeah, ok.

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Random

Tell me NOW!

February 19, 2008 – 6:45 pm

The other day I was watching Dr. Phil.  On a commercial break, a brief “news update” came on.  The anchor asked “what is in your fridge?” She continued “…and why you could die from eating a certain food…tune in at 9.”  I dropped the fork. 

I wonder why a news provider would make such a horrific statement with no supporting details explaining or qualifying her statement.  I imagine this problem will only get worse and the following quotes will be in a “news brief” in the near future.

“Why you might have brain cancer…tune it at 8.”

“Why the person next to you is a murderer…see you in 30 minutes.”

“Why you might die if you leave the house…see you in six hours?”

I believe the media’s intention is to leave its viewers in a perpetual state of fear. 

Thoughts?

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About us Random Seriously Funny

A. Musin Goes Ice Skating…

February 19, 2008 – 3:06 pm

Yes folks,

For the FIRST time in my life I threw on a pair of the good ole’ ice skates. Now, I have NO form of skating experience, none! Not even roller-skates, roller-blades, nothing! Haven’t even had a dream about skating. So this is literally my first attempt at this gliding craft, ever!

So as I sheepishly mosey over to the edge I decide to take some time before making the big step that could change my life forever. I then said a small prayer, asked random folks for a couple pointers, looked to my counter-parts (who ALL said they had ZERO skating experience) and made my first attempt at this ice-skating jazz.

To my Surprise, the pointers worked! I wasn’t necessarily skating just yet but I was making my way around the rink by doing what I like to call ‘ice-walking’. Wasn’t so much skating yet but I was taking baby steps around this frozen circle. I was and still am proud of myself.

So a friend of mine who LIED and said he had no experience was doing VERY well. Come to find out he used to Rollerblade. WOOL! This whole time he sent us out to DIE. It’s clearly a very easy transition to apply one concept to the other. I was pissed. So he is here flying, doing well, having the time of his life while I’m still doing my slow and steady wins the race move.

At this point I was content with pulling off the skates and chalking it up as a good experience. (I should listen to myself more often.) So i decide to take one more lap and try to kick it up a notch. At this point in time the Jamaican version of Brian Boitano decides to give Musin a (non-requested) push to boost my speed…OHHHH NOOOO!!!

It was BAD! I mean, arms flailing to keep balance, I also pulled the ‘going down in ball of flames circular downward spiral move’ (bad idea because now everyone is looking at me)…all of this of course done before my legs went from beneath me and then I saw the tip of my skates running parallel with the piping in the ceiling then KABOOM!

Ouch!

Honestly, I was PISSED! I didn’t fall ONCE! Didn’t help that I had been laughing at the rest of them all day for flapping on ice all day like a fish outta’ water. But as fate would have it I too suffered a cold fumble and it wasn’t pleasant, ruined my clean sheet and my elbow might still be hurting. I should have never flailed, would have saved me the widened embarrassment and the elbow landing.

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