Monthly Archives: February 2008

American Gladiators Random

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (FINALE)

February 18, 2008 – 5:30 pm

Sad to say,

The season finale was a COMPLETE disappointment. As in, I almost didn’t even post this (hence the time of its delivery). This almost did NOT happen. Somehow they managed to kidnap a measly handful of chuckles from me. (I wasn’t looking and they just took ‘em, wild?!) If you missed the last installment of this mildly clever comical corn-fest then this is ALL you need to know:

1) Apparently Hulk Hogan STILL thinks he is as cool as he used to be. (He is not.) After Monica takes a loss in the first event he felt the need to say, “Monica-Mania was NOT running wild up there”. Just because you are Hulk Hogan does NOT give you the right to add ‘Mania’ to everything and think people will let it slide.

Imagine if I tried to pull this one. “Musin-Mania is running wild on AH today.” …(ducks oncoming stones).

2) After both of the ladies scored naught in the first round commentator 1 said (doesn’t it suck that we don’t know anything about who they are?) , ” Bagels on the board for these two finalists after the first round.” IDK why, but I thought it was fair, I even used it later on that night.

3) Wolf chimed in with more questionable statements like, “You ever heard the story rock-a-bye baby on the tree top? Well I’m going to be your cradle and we’re going to fall.” Wolf needs to be shot.

4) Mayhem (Old Lesbo) finally got his/her first line…and it was terrible! After holding his own in some dumb event he said, “Now Wut! I’m King Tut!” Fu*k you Mayhem. Worst Gladiator of ALL time.

Yea…that was all i could grab. I told you I didn’t enjoy it, take the small chuckles and be grateful.

Oh yea! Congrats to Evan & Monica for taking the 100K, but who really cares?

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Just Ignant

Babies @ The Bar !!

February 15, 2008 – 11:31 am

Nope,

No typographical error there my dear friends, none what-so-ever.

So I met up with a good friend of mine to catch up after work at a fairly cool bar in the city. Nothing too crazy…not many people here when we got in but as time progressed the crowd gained plenty girth.

So after about forty-five minutes a lady takes a seat at the table next to us. Seemed fairly courteous but I could tell by her demeanor that she was a real woolgatherer. you know… a few sandwiches short of a pic-nic, yup…a wrench shy of a complete toolbox, you know… a few pages short of a complete book…you get my drift.

Anywho, so now that this lady has taken her seat, the rest of her party waddles along to join in on the festivity. NOW I don’t know who manages this establishment but upon seeing not one, not two, but THREE children (no older than the age of seven) take a seat directly next to me (at a BAR) I couldn’t help but clean my glasses. I had to. Not only were they soiled with cow tears of laughter, but i just HAD to make sure my prescription wasn’t being hindered by any unwanted matter.

So I look over again and as sure as Bill Cosby will take a loss with his Rap album there were THREE KIDS at the bar. LMAO! So I regain my composure and take another look at this LUSH downing strawberry margaritas one after the other. Apparently she had to use the pisser and fast! She jetted, and left the THREE CHILDREN unattended!

So I’m just taking my own time, hanging out, laughing, shooting the breeze as they say when my cool chillery is abruptly interrupted by a swift, sharp shriek sounding something like, “NOoOoO! Don’t drink that, it’s only for MOMMYY!”. Apparently little Billy was a bit parched and wanted to follow in mommy’s footsteps by having at the strawberry margarita. What shocked me even more was after she scolded him he was PISSED! It was like she just took his ONLY G.I. Joe from him (people still use those?).

At this point (as always) I could NO LONGER contain my laughter and thank God I chose to lean right or I would’ve been rendered helpless in a mop-like flatness flailing in laughter on the bar floor.

I could NOT believe it, is that proper parenting? To bring your kids to a bar? Drunk? I mean this lady was GLAZED folks…slurring words and all. Stewed!

P.S. I went to a seafood disco after…and pulled a mussel. :x

UPDATE: So, I must admit, i left out a SMALL tidbit about the events that transpired last night. After this bottle-sucking addict settled down her rowdy children she came over to my friend and said (and i swear on everything I love) , “Make sure you use birth control tonight, if I did I wouldna’ been in this situation right now, thats why I’m here”. (Even though it wasn’t even that kind of party; presumptuous alcoholic sponge.)THEN after saying that she went back to her table, spread her arms around the kids as if she was trying to show is the loss she took. She made a ‘look over here, this is what happens, this is what im stuck with’ face. I am still shocked? Yes, yes I am actually.

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Random

Cant Hear ?! (The Roger Clemens Story)

February 14, 2008 – 3:30 pm

So we have given you ridiculous instances in which people have used “Can’t Read”, so it’s only right for us to bring you a solid match for “Can’t Hear.”

Rogers Clemens,

7 time Cy Young Award Winner, 2 World Series Championships, a member of the Major League Baseball All-Century Team, well over 300 wins & 4ooo strike-outs throughout his illustrious career.

However, December 13th 2007 came with an accusation that could sweep all of the above mentioned accolades into a dark closet of speculation and uncertainty. On this day Clemens’ name was listed in the Mitchell Report, which alleged that he had used steroids and HGH during the 1998-2001 seasons. (He won his first World Series in 1999, ouch!)

A long time friend and past teammate by the name of Andy Petitie testified against Clemens saying that they both used the illegal steroid. In the video below Clemens firmly denies any usage of the drug:

WHAT?!

“Andy Pettitte is my friend. He was my friend before this. He will be my friend after this and again. I think Andy has misheard,” Clemens said. “I think he misremembers of our conversation.”

So you’re telling me that this man, paid uber-bucks for his defense team, then sat down with his lawyer(s), went over the case, devised a plan and THIS WAS THE BEST THE COULD COME UP WITH??

Imagine if one of us even thought of trying to say something so preposterous to a judge…hmn.

Judge: Musin, we have every reason even in the world to believe you took steroids. Your best friend said you did it. Your trainer has the needle used.

Musin: Listen man, he misheard, I’m telling you he wasn’t listening when I was telling him the story about someone ELSE using the roids, not me though, never. That is all your honor, that is all.

Judge: Musin, for some reason im beginning to feel very warm up here, sweating even…

Musin: Sorry your honor? Whatever could you mean sir?

Judge: Well, this thick amount of WOOL your trying to pull over my eyes is causing an extreme amount of warmth. Off you go…to the Slammer! (Always wanted to use slammer, nice!)

I couldn’t believe it, if that’s what high profile lawyers get paid to come up with then fu*k it, I’m going to law TONIGHT!! A man who can’t read OR hear for that matter could’ve read a better statement. (That makes sense? Really Musin? You get my point though…)

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American Gladiators

Who Writes for the new American Gladiators? (Part 7)

February 13, 2008 – 2:18 pm

It’s that time again. Actually, we’re late this week, but A. Musin had to save some owls and M. Randy was fighting a grizzly bear (more on this some other time). But have no fear, if you missed American Gladiators on Monday…eh hem, Whit, Musin…here’s all you need to know.

1. I’ve noted that most of the corn comes from using the contenders (still hate this word with a passion) occupations as “witty banter.” So, I knew I was in for it when getting ready for the first event, Hit and Run, they announced it was a battle between the preacher (Andy)  vs. the teacher (Alex).  It didn’t help that Alex said, “We have the preacher over here. After this round, I might need to confess some sins because I’m going to beat him down bad.”  No need to confess your sins sir, with lines like this you are an excellent candidate for the fiery pits of hell.

 2. So now, the competition gets going, and as Andy (the preacher) gets tossed into the water (of course there’s water), the announcer says, “A different kind of baptism for this preacher man.” Ohhhhhh noooooo. I’m pretty sure they’ve used this line already. They tested it out weeks ago. Watched the footage and felt it worked. PMO

3.  (This one is for you Musin.) After Justice knocks Alex into the water (of course) in Hit and Run, he says, “HAMMER TIME.” And then does a hammer motion. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, are you kidding me?

4. During hang tough, the announcer says, “The jumbo jet of Justice is about to take off.”

5. At this point in the show, I was getting a little worried. There were a few comments, but not as many as I was used to. I started wondering if somehow the good folks at NBC got wind of AH and started working on their material. However, when the announcer said during the women’s hang tough, “Venom has Venus in her snare. The snare, the glare, Venus gets tossed out the air,” I knew I was wrong.

6.  Later, as Venus gets ready to climb the wall, Laila Ali reminds her how she was getting whooped by Monica with the whole points thing. Venus replies, ” I’m going to keep ticking. Tick tock. Bring on that rock.” YARR…Come again?

7. So, I know he was talking about the gladiator Crush, but why the announcer chose to say, “The royal crush,” as he announced her, I have no idea. What sir? Cards? Crush, flush, cards? Is that the best you can do. Is it? I would really like to know.

Congratulations to Monica for not only winning, but for also not pulling a Bill Cosby like embarrassment with the corn. Oh, yeah and to Alex also. (The competition is actually getting good?)

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Harlem Shake 2008?! [Abso Ridic Pt. 2]

February 12, 2008 – 11:28 am

The other day I went to a bar and saw a man do the harlem shake for three hours with no break. It was upsetting to know that he was so intent on replicating the early millenium shimmy dance.

However, I was assured to know whenever I looked to that side of the bar, this young man would be doing this pseudo crack shimmy as if his mother would be raped by a gaggle of silver back apes if he thought about stopping.

He was lonely like Farrakhan at a white-woman-pork-convention and he sweated like a hooker in church.

Has anyone else seen someone dance with such reckless abandon?

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