Monthly Archives: February 2008

Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny Tunes

Bill Cosby to Embarrass Self With New Rap Album

February 11, 2008 – 4:39 pm

That was nymag.com’s headline. I mean, they gave him NO CHANCE. None. They basically said, “Bill, eff off.”

But it is true. As unfortunate and comical as it is, Bill is coming out with a rap album. Now, I understand his purpose, but when you’re Bill Cosby, what exactly do you rap about- pudding pops, Jello. I mean is that hot? I doubt it? He’s clearly not going to make it rain on anybody. Therefore, no one will listen.

It’s safe to say that MC Hammer shouldn’t be involved in anything related to technology and Bill Cosby shouldn’t be a rapper. Pretty safe to say, ’cause I’m saying it. Hmmmm, I wouldn’t encourage MC Hammer to start rapping again.

Actually, I can’t wait to hear this album. (That last statement was a complete lie.)

However, this picture is hilarious? Yes, yes it is.

31_billcosby_lgl.jpeg
Photo Illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images

After seeing these images a few (brilliant) possibilities came to mind.

1) Imagine walking into your favorite most popular night club and hearing the emcee introduce the special surprise guest artist for the night and when they hit the lights THAT (above pic) is what you see…how PISSED would you be?

2) We at Absohilare have reason to believe his album will be titled, “Start with Jello Shots and then Eat Pudding”. I would buy it. I just lied.

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Couldn't Make This Up Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 7: “Gold Digger”

February 7, 2008 – 3:10 pm

Nope, not the Kanye West song, nor was it a trifling money grubbing freeloading jezebel.

Instead, ’twas a ridiculously bold man on a Queens bound F train utilizing not one, or even two, but ALL five of his (now disgusting) fingers in some super crazy Edward Scissorshand/machine like swiftness to excavate what HAD to have been 24K gold firmly lodged somewhere close to his brain-through his nose.

Thank the Lord I was sitting a fair distance from the “Abominable Nose-Man” because not only was this jackass pissing me off with his barbaric nose digging but he was also becoming a huge THREAT to the other passengers!

After disentangling his knuckle from his nose (I thought he was lucky for not having to amputate it) , he then began to make room for round two by flicking….yes…FLICKING these nose-nuggets with absolutely no regard for the other passengers aboard. I felt like i was being held hostage. It almost felt like he was a bomb, and these flicked nuggets were shrapnel.

I tried to look away but it was just too much to pass up, this man was hacking away at his nose, I’m surprised he wasn’t bleeding at the rate he was going. Plus, if I had looked away, that would’ve drastically increased my chances of getting nailed by nasal napalm; while also increasing the chances of a fight breaking out on the F train.

This man wasn’t even trying to be discreet about it, he would even angle his nose for a better shot at the gold. He was going at it for at LEAST eight minutes. Now I don’t know about you, but I have never seen (nor would like to see again) anything like that in my life.

Luckily he got off soon there after and I was left trembling in fear.

P.s. Imagine how many railings/bars/handles this man went on to fondle after invading his brain via his nose. Sick right? no more railings for me.

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American Gladiators

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (PART 6)?

February 5, 2008 – 3:06 pm

I’m going to go ahead and directly blame the rapidly intensifying competition for the lack of funny on this weeks episode.

If you didn’t get a chance to catch it, you really didn’t miss much. I truly am not that big of a fan of who wins or loses, I just watch it for the funny, and they let me down last night, big time. However, as few as they may be, they still left us with these solid gems:

1) Commentator had to have slipped and said, ” lose your grip and take a dip”.

2) Contestant, worrisome about losing his grip (and taking a slip? :x ) and falling off the wall into water (no need for water, sponge would’ve been sufficein) foolishly utters, ” I heard Evan is like Spider Man and I just don’t wanna end up like Aqua Man…if you know what I mean.” Applesauce, pure friggin’ applesauce I say.

3) I’ve always been a bit concerned this Wolf Gladiator, the things he decides to say…very disturbing for one man to say to another. Like this, ” This time you gotta come to me and I’m gunna come through you”. That doesn’t sound a lil’ fishy to say to a man WOLF?

4) Contestant gets knocked off the Joust (into MORE water) in a record breaking 8 seconds. Hulk then says, “If you were riding a bull it would be a great ride”. Alright, sure, but was he? Was there a bull anywhere near? Was it not American Gladiators? I just couldn’t understand why Hogan felt the need to even bring that up. PMO.

Not as much hogwash as we were used to but hopefully next week they will make up for it.

I sure do miss the classic early season lines…they definitely made it super cheesy (and absohilare) in the beginning only to get us to tune in long enough to be there until the end, of this i am certain.

::::crosses fingers in hopes of better material next week::::

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five

“Some Sh*t You Just Don’t Do!”

February 4, 2008 – 12:37 pm

Safe to say that after seeing the Giants take the championship at a solid SuperBowl party I was SURE to be late to work today.

I am a man of my word. I was late.

I did my usual routine greetings and then made haste to the bathroom to take a SERIOUS leak. While on the way I get a phone call from a friend still frantic about the game informing me that they too were late and the snow was pissing them off.

As I step into the bathroom I was abruptly met by a pungent toxin-like stench. I take a look around to ensure that no one had died and then I realize someone was doing the “Shitty-Feet”. This is when there is someone taking a crap in the stall and all you see is their feet.

So I get off the phone to relieve myself and out of NOWHERE I hear a faint voice echoing from the stall saying, “Is it really snowing outside?”.

WHAT?!? Since when was it alright to speak to a stranger, while doing the Shitty-Feet? I couldn’t believe this man asked me that while sitting down on a toilet seat. He has to be insane. What was I to do?

I wanted NOTHING (at all) to do with this shitty conversation so I washed my hands fervently and moseyed on out the door slowly almost as if I didn’t hear him. Would anyone have taken part in that ridiculous conversation?

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny

Do you have the time?

February 1, 2008 – 10:51 am

That question seems normal, no? It generally is. And the answer, if you have it, would probably be quite useful to the person asking. However, HOWEVER, I’ve found an exception.

Yesterday, I’m taking my usual stroll to work at my usual time. Texting Musin, as I effortlessly ignore the people that will just as effortlessly ask me for change, to buy a paper, listen to a jingle or whatever else they’ve got.

So I’m walking and texting, walking and texting, “dut te doo, dut te doo.” Suddenly, I hear a rash voice to my right, “Miss, can you tell me the time.” As I stop my scrolling and look to my right, I see this “needy-looking” woman embracing the wall with much of her body, while still dangling a cup from her hand. Slightly confused, I tell her it’s 9:55 am (I was late).

Now I ask you, why did she need to know the time? Where was she going? I mean, I would’ve felt a little better if I saw her anticipating a move, doing a little two-step. Something. Anything. But she wasn’t. Ma’am the sun is up, people are going to work…it’s morning.

Am I wrong for assuming that she had nothing to do that was time related?

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