Abso Hilare

Sooo… Hi.  I’m new to the roster of the fabulous AH authors.  Annnnd, I’m not gonna lie, I feel pretty privileged to be here.   It’s not every day you get an invite like that.  You treasure those days… You remember them warmly in your heart and can only hope you’ll stumble upon another… Whoa.  WAIT.  Sorry, I don’t know what happened. 

I’m guessing you’re wondering what the title of this post could lead to.  Well, while it’s amusing to tell and see people’s reactions, it wasn’t so much what I would call “fun” when it happened.  It was a blustery fall morning (lie, I don’t know what the weather was like that day) and my friend popped up on Gmail and straight out the gate says, “Have you ever posed nude for pictures?” 

Wh-wh-whaaaaat? 

No. 

I answer with a firm, all-caps NO.  But then (THEN!) he tries to just leave it at that and change the subject.  Sorry, bud, not getting away that easy.  I inquire as to why he would ask such a question and he proceeds to tell me that him and some buddies were perusing some p0rn sites that weekend and had stumbled across a picture of me.

OK.  WAIT.

Excuse me?  I do not pose in such ways, my friend.  You MUST be mistaken.  Finally, he’s like, “Alright, but it looks JUST like you.”  (A. Who does that?  Ha!  Got a funny joke!  Found naked pictures of you online!! SIKE!!!!  B.  Not cool, man.  NOT.  COOL.)  And you know when people say that you’re like, “Sure, sure… whatev.”  I mean, I was once told that I looked JUST like Jennifer Aniston (and I didn’t have a stitch of makeup on and I had just come from a sauna so I was all greasy.)  In no way, shape, or form do I resemble Miss Aniston.  I mean, really.  Not at all.

I immediately call up my friend, who’s husband was with the guy who saw the picture (who ate the cat, that ate the rat, that ate the fly… You guys remember that book?  No?  Nothing?  Okaaaay… NEVERMIND.)  I blurt out this current development on my one-way (yet unknown) track to a life of p0rn which would eventually lead to a life of me being addicted to coke before I moved onto other drugs and then eventually I would be all Courtney Love in “The People VS. Larry Flint” and NO!  I WILL NOT GO OUT THIS WAY!!!  I’m practically holding back tears.  Her response?  To start laughing.  Hard.  I do not think this is funny.  After she calms herself down she sends me the picture and says, “Now, before you open it, I’m not going to lie.  I REALLY had to look at it to make sure it wasn’t you.  But then I saw the date when the picture was taken and you would have JUST had your daughter and well, you know.”  (Translation:  Weeks after giving birth you still looked a bit of a fat ass and well, in no way could qualify for p0rn.)

I open the email.

OH. MY. HEAVENS.

It’s me.

In my head, I’m frantically trying to remember if on one of my more of my poor unfortunate nights I had gotten drunk and made a (TERRIBLY!)  (HORRIBLY!) bad decision as I’m sometimes wont to do under the influence of alcohol.  I even consider the possibility that I had been roofied and had somehow been convinced that this would be a good idea.  No way.  I may have a stiff drink every now and then but never am I THAT out of control… Or AM I?

I study the picture.  I zoom in and out… I consider photoshop… I consider everything.  And then I see she has a small bump on her nose and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief.  It’s not me.  BUT HOLY SHIT.  It is my twin.  It is my effing evil identical twin who has chosen a life of p0rn.  Way to keep up the family name, sis. 

There is no other explanation.  Well, we could always go with the sci-fi cloning route but that would take me days to come up with legitimate reasons as to why that was the answer so we’re going with evil twin.  Of the naked variety.