I live in a tiny town. Like the kind of town you see on television… Everyone knows everyone, I can more than likely get out of a ticket because I’ll know the cop, you know, Mayberry type town. Except more redneck. And most of the time I don’t actually claim to be from this town, but whatever. Bygones.
This past weekend I was headed home and cutting through the neighborhood to get to my street and my little dog, Russell was in the car with me. (Russell is a Brussels Griffon. Yes, I named him Russell the Brussel. Yes, I was more than likely dropped on my head as an infant.) Except… I can’t get to my street. The street is blocked off by about a dozen cop cars. AND there are police running up and down the street with flashlights.
I pull up to the first cop who is waving madly for me to turn around and I’m like, “Uh… dude, I live over on Allison. I need to get through.” He tells me that I’ll have to use the other entrance and then goes back to his waving. I’m not satisfied with the amount of info I received so I clear my throat and ask him if there’s anything I need to be concerned about. His answer? Not anymore.
Uh….
I’m sorry but you have members of your police force running up and down a street which just happens to be blocked off with probably more than half of my town’s police department. Oh but it’s all good? Awesome.
I head up to the other end of the entrance where I’m met by yet another cop who is, once again, waving at me to turn my car around. I go through my spiel again and I tell him that the other cop told me to come this way. He gives me the once over and says, “Well, I’m gonna have to see some ID proving that you live on Allison.”
Oh my bad. I forgot I had my trusty black and white striped burglar uniform on. Oh and my dog? The little tiny one who’s sitting in my lap? Yeah, he’s my vicious guard dog. Oh and not to mention that apparently the crime is still IN PROGRESS since you’ve got your guys scouring the street and I just pulled up. So, you know, go right ahead and interrogate me when you could be oh… I dunno… out looking for the REAL GUY. After he had given me the ok to go to my house he gave me these instructions, “Once you get to your house, go inside, lock your doors and do not come outside for any reason.”
Are these the words describing an area that is now safe for me to venture through like I was told? I do not believe so.
Once he told me that, I replied that no way was I staying in my house and that I just needed to get some stuff. He told me to come back through this entrance to MAKE SURE I GOT OUT.
Make sure I got out?! Maybe you shouldn’t give me the ok to go IN if you’re not sure I”m gonna make it OUT, Mr. Officer! Whatever. Me being the smarty that I am, went in, grabbed some things and headed back out, giving him a friendly wave as I left. Thanks, pal. Thanks for allowing me to walk into the possible line of fire.
Oh and the reason for all the chaos? There was a walk-by shooting. Yeah, you read it right. This guy didn’t drive by and shoot someone, he walked past their car and did it. Clearly a criminal mastermind!
11 Comments
Man (clearly you are not a man),
I sure am happy you made it out to tell the tale my friend. Good thing you had the pup with you, if he is anything like Franklin* (or Frankie) he will surely be able to hold up against any vicious attacker.
Key
*=Franklin is a pig that lives under Itty’s desk. From what we are told he is also a gambling, mob involved ruthless murderous pig — that also wears a leather jacket. Please confirm Itty.
Yeah, these cops were definitely not there to protect and serve. Clearly, you shouldn’t have gone in? What could you have possibly needed that badly?
Is Franklin Frankie?
Franklin is his government name. In the street he goes by “Frankie” or “F-Pig”. Right Itty?
Franklin doesn’t like to be discussed in public. I’m risking my life by even telling you this… Thank goodness he’s curled up under my desk asleep right now and doesn’t have internet access…
And I needed clothes… Because I wasn’t staying at my house. Not like I could go to work naked. Well, I could but I’m guessing I’d probably get fired.
Sounds like something that you’d hear happening in my town, good ole Whitewater, WI.
I’m not even lying when I tell you over half of the police force was there… For one guy. On foot.
LOL,
You risked your life to browse the world wide web (who still calls it that)? I’m sure there has to be a better reason to oh, put your life (and the life of the pup) on the line! Please make better decisions next time my friend, it will save us a lot of trouble.
(*I didn’t’ read the part about you needed clothes; missed it.)
P.s. Tell Frankie he owes me money! Effin pig.
A) If I made better decisions I would not have such stories to tell.
B) Nobody but you calls it the World Wide Web, proving once and for all you have a tiny alien in your head running all these gears and telling you how humans would act. He probably heard that by the water cooler years ago and thinks it’s still cool to say.
C) Why would Frank owe you money???
A) I stand corrected, please continue doing all the wrong things. Thank.
B) I was just trying it out, Yeesh. Have a good day Debbie Downer.
C) If I told you, I would have to kill you. (Always wanted to use that line, thanks for the opportunity. A lot more where this one came from)
A) I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my stupidity for allowing such awesome moments to happen. Thanks, Stoop. I’d be lost without you! *Sheds tear…
B) Wah wah wahhhhhhh.
C) What-Your little alien tell you that was a “cool” line to use?