Abso Hilare

HUGE day for the world! Big for America yes, but the impact this man has surely transcends globally. I am beyond excited to be able to say that “I was there” for Barack’s Big Day.

I’ll spare you all the details of the gruesome commute. Just know this; never get on a bus filled with MP3 blasting teenagers at 2am going from NY to DC on Barack Obama’s Inauguration day. Got it? Good.

(*fast forwards to the good part.)

… and I had to take a wicked leak! Too bad everywhere was closed — aside from the nearby homeless shelter. Am I homeless? No. Will I use their facilities to relieve my bladder, yes! So I wait in line while my sister waits outside for my return.

I must let you all know that with the ice cold temperatures I HAD to resort to desperate measures. By this I mean I took 4 sheets of bounty and stuffed each of my sneakers as a form of insulation. You would be surprised at how pleased I was with the results. So with my hot hands (great product) and stuffed shoes I rejoined the trek, but where was everyone else? Uhh, gone!

At this point it’s just me myself and I amidst the millions of civilians vying for prime positioning to enter the event. Phones weren’t working well and I had no ticket so at this point I was just being completely non-productive, losing. While wandering I stumbled upon a LARGE CROWD of folks in what was supposed to be a line. A line to what? Who knows, I wasn’t in a rush so eff it. I joined said line and threw on the headphones and churned out some optimism from out of nowhere. I then feel this sea of people begin to move towards what seems to be an entrance to the National Mall.

An official then took the megaphone and announced (in the most angelic voice), “Only Purple ticket holders are being admitted through this gate, ONLY PURPLE TICKET holders, you will be turned back without a purple ticket.” Shit, didn’t matter to me, I had NO ticket so I had nothing to lose anyways. I roughed it out in line while being subjected to inadvertent verbal abuse. Comments like, “We all have purple tickets, let us in! What dumb ass would stand in this long ling without a ticket?!”

:/…*Raises hand. Dumb ass present.

At this point I was WAY too close to throw in the towel. So I bundled up and tossed all my hopes in a bucket. This bucket carried me to the front of the line to meet a squadron of officers. Shit! It was at this point I ducked a little and cut to the middle of the crowd amongst the mass of people fervently waiving their purple tickets in the air to gain admission. I acted as if I was freezing and kept my hands together and stayed low only to make it though the ticket check, I was free! Everyone else in front of me jumped for joy when they gained access so eff it, I faked the funk and did the same. Hands in the air, jumping and all…this in efforts of getting away from the cops as FAST as possible. After getting inside I stumbled upon stranded purple ticket and pocketed it just in case. Talk about fake it ‘til you make it. That’s how it all happened, and the rest, was history (major pun).

Image Courtesy of Steven Clarke