Monthly Archives: February 2009

Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Subway Chronicles Pt 11: Subway Song Gone Wrong

February 26, 2009 – 4:29 pm

Alright this didn’t happen on the train, it happened on the bus–but so what? As I thought to make a whole new Category I said to myself, “self, how often do you take the bus?” Surprisingly (lie) self said, “not often, not often at all.”  A dear friend of mine was fortunate enough to witness this comedic gem so I felt as if it was my duty to spread the hilarty. So with the wind behind me, and my fingers storming away, out came the latest Subway Chronicle! Alas!

Clearly Subway [no, not the train system] was onto something when the folks over in marketing pushed through this little 5 Dollar Foot long Jingle, but who would’ve thought this could go international?!

Here is the story as it was told to me:

So I’m on the bus and this random guy comes on singing that stupid Subway song…”Five!…Five Dollar!…Five Dollar Foot loooong”.. PMO! As he goes to take his seat he continues to sing the song the whole time. Finally he sits down behind a Spanish lady and her child then does the unthinkable. Out of nowhere comes, “Cinco!..Cinco Peso!….Cinco Peso FOOT LOOONG!.”

If I was on this bus I would’ve erupted in laughter, maybe even began the spanglish sing-along. What would possess a man to perform such a ridiculous act? Things like this make me want to take the bus more often as the Subway hasn’t been the most active as of late. Bums are quiet, people are behaving…nothing much to see these days. I bet when it gets warmer everyone will start with their shenanigans again.

Bring on the warm weathered tomfoolery!

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Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five Random

Really? You’re gonna act like this is normal?

February 23, 2009 – 9:31 am

We have a pretty high turn around in one department of my office.  (Not my department.  There’s actually people lined up wanting to work with me… In hopes they can get a glimpse of my awesome…)  (LIE.)  (Complete and total.)  It’s all women and we all know us gals can get a little catty from time to time, but it’s also because of the amount of stress that certain job entails.  (Why am I acting like I can’t tell you what these people do?  They’re doctor’s secretaries… What is wrong with me?)  (Don’t answer that.)

Anyways, around Christmas we had an unfortunate incident. (And by unfortunate I mean COMEDY GOLD.)  It was right after our staff Christmas luncheon and everyone was fairly full considering all the food we had just consumed.  So, out of nowhere a coworker scurries into the secretaries’ supervisor’s office and says, “Uh… You need to come down here.  There’s something wrong with Jane.”  And Jane is, well, you know, not exactly a spring chicken, in fact, Jane is more like a sixty-something-year-old chicken,  so she books it allllll the way down to the other end of the building…  And there she finds Jane.  Under her desk.  Curled up.  She screamed out her name, “Jane!  Jane, are you ok???”  And Jane, a little disoriented considering she was right in the middle of a NAP, says, “Oh yeah, I’m fine.  I’m just taking a nap.”

LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

Like hey, taking a nap is perfectly normal. 

Well, sure, Jane it actually is normal ON A SATURDAY WHEN YOU’RE NOT AT WORK.

She didn’t try to cover it up.  She didn’t try to deny that she was sleeping.  No use of the old “The blood center said this might happen…” trick…  No saying, “Oh I was just looking for something I dropped on the ground.”  No saying ANYTHING except, “Oh yeah, I was taking a nap.”

Do I really need to tell you she was fired on the spot?  Do I?  Because if sleeping under your desk while at work isn’t grounds for dismissal I’m going to start bringing in my sleeping bag every day for the rest of my life.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random The Haps

Suggestions for VD… If You’re a Dollar Menunaire.

February 13, 2009 – 1:39 pm

So, let’s do a little survey? (Not an actual survey… I mean, I can’t very well sit here and wait for your answers or there wouldn’t be a post, now would there?) What do you think of when I say “White Castle?”

Oh?  What’s that?

Drunken nights?

Hangover prevention food?

Me passed out in the middle of my living room with no pants on covered only by a Dance, Dance, Revolution mat, surrounded by empty White Castle boxes with little onions and pickles around my head only AFTER I’ve been outside in my front yard telling my friends that I need to go to the gas station with them regardless of the fact that I’m not currently wearing pants?  (Oh.  Wait.  Is that just me?  Ok, fine… Things escalated quickly… My boyfriend was a bartender… I… I… I don’t know what happened.  But I will say, that Dance, Dance Revolution mat made a mighty fine hobo blanket…)

Anyways, back to the point… Who here thinks of the following picture when you think of White Castle???

Hot and steamy night at the Castle?!  NEED RESERVATIONS?!  Who reserves a table at White Castle???  I don’t think I’ve ever been inside one… I mean, isn’t most of their business drive-through business???  This… This… This is an outrage!  Clearly, the Castle is giving people the wrong idea.  That idea being that WHITE CASTLE IS A SUITABLE DINING EXPERIENCE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY.

Just for anyone who might be confused and need clarification:  IT’S NOT.

Weigh in on this, Musin.

[Musin Here]

Shit! Damn it Itty, you blew my surprise…now I will have to find another trendy ultra classy top notch late night junk-food house to use for Vday–PAH! As if! (remember that? I haven’t heard someone use that in decades) I think it is better off left alone, mayhaps.

Please, can someone find out/guess how much they had to pay those people on the flier to forever be the laughing stock of America (and AH). They are now the poster children of FAIL. As in, did they REALLY pick up the phone, dial 718-899-8404, plug in the appropriate extension,  make reservations for Valentines Day @ White Castle, invite a date, and take the date out to a stove-lit candlelit dinner for Valentines Day at White Castle? Who the font would subject them self to such fuckry? *Looks up at the pics of the people on the flier, ah welp! Tough break!

Also, In looking further into this terribly bad idea I discovered instead of this stove-lit dinner (eff it, it is what it is), you could bring home to your lovey a “Cupid Crave Kit”, HA! This featuring eight cheeseburgers, one sack of fries, two sodas, and a “keepsake item”. WOOT! A keepsake item from White Castle? What could that be, Grease?

Clev, please weigh in on this.

[Wait!  Itty here again... I just came to the realization that this is a legitimate phone number... As in one that they think people are actually going to call...  My guess?  You dial 1-800-I'm-A-Douche and you get the exact same thing... The White Castle Special V-Day Reservations Hotline...  Imagine the people working on the other end of the line... "White Castle Hotline, reservations for 2?" all the meanwhile thinking to theirself  "Life really doesn't get any lower than this and you, fair customer, really ARE a douchebag..."]

Stop hogging Itty! [Oh, Clev here]

You want to know how outrageous this is? Well, a friend of mine once went into a White Castle after a drunken night. Before entering the eatery (pah!) he noticed a bum needy-looking individual perched up by the door. Now, my friend (the thoughtful individual that he is) thoughtfully (duh) remembered this man while ordering his food, even in his drunken state.

After the cashier rings up the order, he grabs the two separate bags, heads out the door, and gleefully hands the man the bag. The man reluctantly takes the bag, peeks inside and frowns. THEN, he crumples the bag back up and hands it to my friend and replies, “no thanks.”

And THIS is the place to take a Valentine’s date? Me thinks not..

Oh and can someone please call! If someone calls, make reservations and goes, I’ll pay for it.

Shite! There is a website. Oh, they go hard (like Brooklyn). Their tagline is…”Valentine’s Day at the LOVE Castle” PAH!

Happy VD kids!  No, not that kind…Sickos.
Team AH.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Snuggie: Warm Blanket or Cultic Garb?

February 4, 2009 – 1:39 pm

So,

Somehow these blasted blankets are selling like hot cakes (hmm, how many hot cakes can one really sell though…). Anyways, this is very wild to me. After seeing this infomercial a time or few, I realized how they manage to sell so many of these. It isn’t just a warm blanket with convenient sleeves, clearly it’s the last and final adornment needed to gain membership into the obvious Snuggie CULT. Please take another look at the infomercial after reading the points below:

1) WHY does the lady rhyme in the first few lines of this thing? I bet you didn’t think of this before, but clearly she is some form of soothsayer-eqsue cult leader trying to penetrate your mind with rythmical lines. We won’t go for it Snuggie; CULT!

2) Now, the lady on the phone. Who do you think she is talking to? Ah ha! You guessed it too, clearly she is speaking with the Chief of the Snuggie Cult providing a live update on the progress of the commercial/takeover. Here is a little known fact for you all: They cut away right before she begins tapping her fingers together in a mischievous fashion while sporting an evil grin. This while the light is only on her face, the rest of the room fading into shadows (*insert evil laugh here). This is all true.

3) If this was such a nice item for caring everyday folks trying to stay warm then WHY is mom wrapped up all toasty yet infant is stuck to endure the cold. You know what kind of people administer such torture to babies? CULT!

(Also, I think she just poisoned that puppy)

4) Who would really go out as a large group to a camp fire ALL wearing burgundy colored cult robes Snuggie’s? I know who, members of a CULT. They just used those same sticks holding the marshmallows to  slay the sacrificial goat, this is fact.

5) These guys are smart little cult followers. They wore these things to a large sporting event (Okay, maybe not that large of an event but give me a break here) ? Clearly they went out in numbers to recruit for…you guessed it, the CULT!

6) The Compact press and Open book light, all a lie. That is just fancy housing for some poisonous potion placed in “cups of tea” (as shown in the commercial).

I mean, who would really own one of these? Why not just put on a Sweater? I don’t get it, i don’t. However, Rumor has it someone that happens to read this here blog is actually a PROUD member of the Snuggie cult owner if this ridiculous armed blanket. I won’t call any names though…

Even worse, they have  major competitor, the mighty  SLANKET! The Snuggie vs. Slanket rivalry is really heating up, too bad I don’t care at all. Rumor also has it that someone that reads and writes for this blog (who owns a SNUGGIE) is thoroughly interested in doing away with said Snuggie, and switching to the Slanket clan! This is only the beginning, and I’m afraid to say I have no idea of where this will end.

*prays.

Be good now.

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