So,
Unless you live under a huge pebble (*washes hands), you’ve heard about the flu de swine (*washes hands). Scary shit, I know. So scary that I even pondered sporting a MASK home (*washes hands) due to the fact that I take the Subway. But, as I thought about it further I realized that not only would being the only person on the train (*washes hands) with a MASK make me resemble that of a gargantuan douche bag (*washes hands), but people would probably also think that I was actually infected with said Oink Flu.
(*washes hands)
I’m not sure why but it’s the people with the masks that I see and worry about. Though a good idea to prepare yourself, I don’t think I will go with it just yet. Speaking of being prepared (*washes hands), I know a of a certain someone who once redefined being prepared for a certain situation. Itty, care to speak on this?
Well THAT’S not putting me on the spot or anything… [Oh, Itty here.] I just happen to be afraid of unknown viruses and words like “pandemic.” Is there anything so wrong with that??? Have you all not ever seen “Outbreak?!” Dude, Patrick Dempsey does NOT fare well. (Umm… Spoiler?) Anyways, I always imagine that the first case of any new virus found in my small town will immediately result in the government quarantining the entire city and secretly planning to blow us all up and thus, solving the problem of the virus. Things were no different when the Bird Flu came about in 2005.
It was all over the news and people were dropping like flies. (Much like “The Golden Girls” these days… R.I.P. Dorothy…) The usual scenarios start playing in my head.. Me being dragged away from my family telling them to be strong and I would be back in no time, all the while KNOWING I was about to bite it. Stuff like this gets to me. So, that’s when I tell my ex that we have to start a secret stash… I don’t know what came over me in the next few days but I started stockpiling every non-perishable item I could get my hands on. All of it…under the guest bed. I mean, I was SERIOUS. No bird flu was going to starve me out! I was going to be prepared and every couple days I’d shove more bottled water or Ramen or cans of soup under the bed just waiting for the announcement to be made. The one telling me I was on LOCKDOWN…
Well, as we all know that announcement never came. So eventually I stopped the craziness and went about my every day life. Until one night we had some friends over to help us move the furniture in order to get the carpets cleaned. Things were going well until we got to the guest room. That’s when I realized I had forgotten about my emergency rations under the bed and at this point it was entirely too late to do anything about it now. They were in mid-move with the mattress.
There was an audible gasp when they saw it. My secret had been exposed!
Everyone stopped and stared at me in silence. Imagine how someone would look at you if they just found out you were addicted to something like clown po*rn. Ok, now take that look and place it on my friends staring at me in the room. Finally, Colleen, (Musin and I lovingly refer to her as Cleen) speakes up…
“Itty! What is this?!”
*kicks rocks, looks down at the ground in shame, all the while my face is turning red…
“It’s… It’s my emergency food should the Bird Flu become a pandemic. In case I had to be quarantined in my house…”
So, you know, I come prepared… That’s the story. Nothing more to see here… Move it right along. And don’t forget your complimentary face masks.
[Musin here] And wash your hands (*washes hands) for it will help us all!
16 Comments
I read! I laughed! I cried! I washed my hands! Again!
*Scrubs hands and face with bleach
I aint shakin no damn hands! I dont care who you think you are, you not gettin a grip on my paws. My contract from employment specifically requires me to shake hands as needed…but I aint shakin no GAT DAMN hands of anybody anywhere anytime soon.
*Jumps back for history lesson
I work in Texas.
*History lesson complete
My no hand shakin policy aint catchin on? Don’t they watch the news? Influenza de Pork is just a fancy name for PORKAIDS and its spreading fast…its in the air!
*Overturns desk to look for W.itty’s pet pig just to make sure he aint nibblin at my heels.
THESE MOFOS STILL WANNA SHAKE HANDS! HELL NAW, I aint shakin no hands. Disinfectant spray on desk and ready for action. I will spray this shit in your face if you look porkfluish…I don’t care.
Watch your pigs people…the swine flu pandemic is sweeping the country and no one is safe…HAVEN’T YOU SEEN CNN? A FUCKING PIG ATE A BABY FROM MEXICO AND HIJACKED THE PLANE THAT FLEW OVER NYC!
Go wash yourself…NOW.
Randy, you leave Frankie out of this! He is not infected with dirty, dirty Pork Aids.
But also, good job on the not shaking hands thing. Fail on working in Texas at a time like this… =/
*FIRED!*
I laughed so hard just now I kicked myself, no fake. People, do you have ANY effing idea how hard it is to laugh until you kick one self? Go ahead, try it, I’ll wait. (< lie. Moves along…)
*blowtorches hands, face, and feet–why not? Nobody is safe!
This is the funniest shit ever (*washes hands), Randy. Hats off to thee. I will be doing no hand shakery myself, and people can’t even TRY and act like they are upset about it.
Not shake a hand and live, or shake a hand and die. I think I’ve made my choice.
Itty,
I blame you and that damn pig for this shite! He was always a murder; that vicious piece of infested bacon!
haha. oh man. the washing of hands has never been more comical. haha.
Thanks for the tasty compliment sandwich. No, you can not congratulate me with a handshake.
Someone just came in my office and tried to shake my hand this morning… I sprayed their hand with Lysol first. Not sure that went over so well…
Haaaaaaaa
Pah!
TOO BAD that happened at my office too! This girl (about a solid 4 rows down) let out a small “Ha-chu!”
My friend LEAPED out of her chair, bulldozed through belongings, picked up the Lysol and ran up & down the aisle yelling “There is swine flu, you know!”
I just kinda felt a little bad for the innocent lady who sneezed, she had to feel some kinda way…*shakes head slowly and walks away (into the sunset?)
I would have looked at her and given her the universal sign for “too bad…”
(Refer to the previous post if anyone is unaware of what that is.)
Oh, you mean THIS universal sign for TOO BAD?
Is there any other?
Oh, and so people don’t think we are all fun & jokes here…we do take this stuff seriously (*seriously washes hands) so please see the link below for updates on the Mexican Oink flu:
http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/
Wash hands now, thank me later.
Did AH really just do its first PSA??? Are we doing that now? Is this how things are going down? Can we start doing the anti-drug ones next?
“I learned it from YOU, dad! I learned it from watching YOU!!!”
(Please tell me someone remembers this PSA…)
Aren’t we getting tired of all these code names and numbers and colors???
Terror alert is at orange.
It’s defcon 5!
WHO declares the swine flu is at phase 5!!!
You guys, when the avian flu was a huge scare at its “peak” of media attention, one pharmaceutical firm was selling the vaccine… Sanofi- Aventis.
Now, with the swine flu, our government is even showing us photos, telling us BUY TAMIFLU! Gimme a break, I’m tired of being told to be scared by the government. I’m getting married soon and I’m gonna have a huge wedding with hundreds of guests. Does this mean I should send em bottles of Tamiflu before they all congregate together?
Maybe before we serve the cake we can all walk up to the fountain and wash our hands together. (*washes hands)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My roommates are now even MORE concerned about my mental health after hearing me burst out laughing alone in this corner… Wiping away my tears…And going to wash my hands.