Abso Hilare

So, the folks here at AH have been a little… busy… lately.  You know, with things like work and Gmail group chat and whatnot; and today as Musin and I scrambled around to think of something hilarious to get your Wednesday afternoon going we realized the easiest and quickest thing we could come up with is to tell you 25 different things about us. 

*hears the crowd start chanting “Lame-o!  Lame-o!  Lame-o!”

*shoots dirty look, crowd quiets down…

ANYWAYS.  All four of the members (oh yes, I said FOUR.  Randy?  I’m talkin’ to you.   Oh yesss, son, I’m talkin’ to you!  Noooooo… scruuuuuubs….  Shit.  Wait.  Got off track.   *places self back on track) will be doing 25 things over the next few weeks.  So, yeah, you get to make fun of us.  Well, you all will make fun of me, I don’t know about the other three.  Soooo… let’s get this ball rolllllllling.

1) When I was 12 I saw Jurassic Park in the theater and decided that my name should have been Lex instead of W. Itty.  I signed every diary entry for an entire year with the name Lex. 

2) Apparently, this was all part of a big name-changing phase I was going through.  Two years earlier, I informed everyone in my fifth grade class that at the age of 18 I would be legally changing my name to Alexandra and I would prefer it if people just started calling me that now.

3) A few years back, my mom had baked a German Chocolate Cake with homemade icing and I discovered it in the fridge.  I figured it was for dinner but wanted to taste the icing at that very moment so I… licked it.  No idea why I didn’t just swipe it with my finger.  However, after dinner my mom brought the cake out and announced that she would be dropping the cake off at Mrs. Nicholson’s house…  It was a gift because the lady was elderly.  I had to ‘fess up.  Mother was not happy.

4) I cannot stand the taste of root beer.  AT ALL.  It tastes like peppermint and the smell of it makes me want to vomit.

5) I constantly have a running commentary in my head.  Often, I’m cracking jokes about other people…  This is not nice and I should probably work on it.

6) In the second grade I entered this school-wide art contest and won second place.  It would have been a glorious victory had I, you know, not taken one of my brother’s drawings and completely traced it and called it as my own.  Even at the young age of seven, I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt for my false win… The shame…  I never confessed.  Some kid probably didn’t get into an art school in Paris because of me…

7) When I was 8 years old, I played Mary in the church Christmas play.  I had a solo.  Let me make this clear, despite my mother’s valiant efforts to sculpt me into being a beautiful singer, I cannot sing.  Even at 8.  It wasn’t cute.  It was ear-splitting.

8 ) My freshman year in college, I had lots of classes with Tayshaun Prince.  I’m not going to lie and say that the one time me and my friend, Sarah, saw him out at a theater and he recognized and waved at us, didn’t make me feel a little bit like a celebrity.

9) He might have also said hi once when we saw him on campus.  This cannot be confirmed because my memory is hazy, but Sarah informs me that that totally makes us BFFs.

10) I once farted in front of the entire gym class in third grade while doing situps and then forced my mom to write a note saying the doctor said I was never allowed to do another situp.  Oh the embarrassment…

11) When we were 21, Emily, Sarah, and I went on a Spring Break Cruise.  After a night of drinking, Emily and I wandered onto the deck and proceeded to “pole dance” with one of the skimmers for the pool.  It did not last long as security came and took our “pole” away from us.

12) On that same Spring Break Cruise, an unfortunate looking young man informed us of a new dance called the Weeble-Wobble and how it would be “sweeping the nation” and it would be smart for us to learn it right then and there.  I have not seen that dance since then.  He was mistaken.

13) I once yelled at a waiter at a Mexican restaurant for denying my fake ID and saying it wasn’t me.  It wasn’t me but I was so adamant that it was me that he laughed and let me drink anyways.  He would save me a bracelet every week from then on out so I wouldn’t have to risk using my ID again.

14) According to my journal, when I was eleven I decided I was going to start a club called Tree City. I have no idea what it’s purpose was but I did specify that I was the only member and I “planned to keep it that way.” I said I would divulge all the details in the next entry. It was never mentioned again. I’m guessing the sole membership of only myself was its downfall.

15) Apparently, I believed that there was a chance that my journal would be considered an excellent resource if it were to ever be placed in a time capsule. In the front, I have a page dedicated to “Things of the 90s.”

16) It’s obvious I was dedicated to letting people know of the truly important things of the 90s like what boys I liked, who my best friends were (all of which were crossed out except for Emily. Way to keep it real, Em.), movies (i.e. Aladdin, Free Willy… clearly, I had eclectic taste), and songs.

17) When I was 20, I dated a guy who told me he lived with his sister. He also told me that I was NEVER to just stop by his apartment and I must always call first. He always kept his bedroom door shut and said he “had to keep his dogs in there.”

18) Dude totally wasn’t living with his sister. It was his girlfriend. Looking back, I am an idiot for not putting two and two together.

19) I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but Emily and I got kicked out our church choir for smoking pot.   

20) Oh yeah.. That’s me mentioning that now.

21) The rest of the story?  They actually let us back in the choir after our parents pointed out that it wasn’t very Christian-like of them to turn their backs on us. We got back in, went to a couple of practices, decided it was lame and then we quit. We had big plans that summer. Plans like sneaking out and drinking vodka. Obviously, these things were important and we could only do them that summer.

22) When I was little my mom let me have the honor of naming our second dog since Jason, my brother, named the first one.  I chose Snuggles.  Looking back, if I was my mom I would have vetoed that choice immediately.  That’s a terrible name for a dog.  Makes him out to be a pansy.  Which he totally could have been.  He got attacked by some wild animal and killed a few years later.  For all I know he could have been mauled by a bunny rabbit. 

23) I had a slightly stalkerish crush on Corey Haim that I completely forgot about until I just read my journal. In it I insist that life is not fair because I will never meet him and it’s OBVIOUS that I am the girl for him. (He’s really into nerds who devote their spare time to obsessing about him in their secret diaries.) I even talk about not being able to live if I don’t get to meet him. That’s right, folks, the lack of Corey Haim in my life was going to cause me to stop breathing.

24) Because I just outted myself on my love for Corey Haim I know Emily is going to mention how I wrote to his fan club but it got returned in the mail because it had been disbanded. Why had it been disbanded, you ask? Oh because LOST BOYS CAME OUT IN 1986. I was about seven years late jumping on the Corey Haim bandwagon. Seven long years after he’d hit his prime. He was already well on his way to rehab when my letter came in the mail, I’m sure.

25) I am technically the “librarian” in my department at work.  I find this odd.

Annnd, that’s that.  See?  Wasn’t that fun?  *ducks from flying object.

Ha!  You missed!  LONG LIVE AH!!!

Tags: 25 things, cake, funny, german chocolate, Jurassic Park