Abso Hilare

Just admit it. You’ve missed us. You’ve been worried sick, haven’t you? You’ve even considered contacting the authorities. We knew it!

Ok, fine.

You did none of those things. But you DID miss our hilarity. It’s ok. It’s a natural reaction. But the good news? We’re back! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Settle. We’re not promising anything regular because we do happen to have very busy lives at the moment but we’re back… for now.

Today we bring you the story of a thief, a felon, a crook. Except, he’s not your average crook. He’s an idiot. Allow us to copy and paste pieces of the article and we’ll dissect it for you.

“A man brought a hammer to a Lexington restaurant on Tuesday night. But he was no Mr. Fixit.”

I’m sorry… What? So, the Mr. Fixit line? Well that leads us to believe he was there with ill intent in mind. But come ON! A hammer? The man chose a HAMMER as his weapon of choice. Foolery. We’ll continue…

“Police say a man entered the Subway on Waller Avenue and ordered a sandwich around 7 p.m. Then he pulled out a hammer and ordered some money. The robber ran out with an undisclosed amount of cash.”

Whoever that cashier was? FIRED. Who’s intimidated by an effing hammer?! What’s he going to do with it? His range with his arm surely can’t be that long. I mean, it’s not like Tiny Head Howard walked into the joint with his Go-go Gadget Arms and demanded money. We’re going to assume this thief was of average size. So, Mr. Cashier, we ask you this: Have you ever heard of the concept of ducking? Yeah. Clearly not.

Notice the time of the robbery. 7pm. That happens to be right around prime dinner-time rush. What were the other patrons doing? Our guess? Laughing. Laughing so hard that they could neither stop the crook or help the cashier. Why? Because they just saw someone get owned… with a hammer.

Then again, this article could be leaving out some important info. What exactly was the robber planning on doing with the hammer? I mean, are we talking skull smashing? That’s the most likely bet but what if he just wanted to smash some veggie cases? Wreck the oven for the bread? These are all possible scenarios and without all the details we can’t judge…too much.

Regardless, the final verdict of this story: There are entirely too many MC Hammer jokes to be made. Oh, and that crook? 100% fool. Ranks right up there with the sleepy thief…

Long live AH!