Category Archives: About us

About us Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny The Haps

Musin makes it to Barack’s Inauguration

January 22, 2009 – 4:18 pm

HUGE day for the world! Big for America yes, but the impact this man has surely transcends globally. I am beyond excited to be able to say that “I was there” for Barack’s Big Day.

I’ll spare you all the details of the gruesome commute. Just know this; never get on a bus filled with MP3 blasting teenagers at 2am going from NY to DC on Barack Obama’s Inauguration day. Got it? Good.

(*fast forwards to the good part.)

… and I had to take a wicked leak! Too bad everywhere was closed — aside from the nearby homeless shelter. Am I homeless? No. Will I use their facilities to relieve my bladder, yes! So I wait in line while my sister waits outside for my return.

I must let you all know that with the ice cold temperatures I HAD to resort to desperate measures. By this I mean I took 4 sheets of bounty and stuffed each of my sneakers as a form of insulation. You would be surprised at how pleased I was with the results. So with my hot hands (great product) and stuffed shoes I rejoined the trek, but where was everyone else? Uhh, gone!

At this point it’s just me myself and I amidst the millions of civilians vying for prime positioning to enter the event. Phones weren’t working well and I had no ticket so at this point I was just being completely non-productive, losing. While wandering I stumbled upon a LARGE CROWD of folks in what was supposed to be a line. A line to what? Who knows, I wasn’t in a rush so eff it. I joined said line and threw on the headphones and churned out some optimism from out of nowhere. I then feel this sea of people begin to move towards what seems to be an entrance to the National Mall.

An official then took the megaphone and announced (in the most angelic voice), “Only Purple ticket holders are being admitted through this gate, ONLY PURPLE TICKET holders, you will be turned back without a purple ticket.” Shit, didn’t matter to me, I had NO ticket so I had nothing to lose anyways. I roughed it out in line while being subjected to inadvertent verbal abuse. Comments like, “We all have purple tickets, let us in! What dumb ass would stand in this long ling without a ticket?!”

:/…*Raises hand. Dumb ass present.

At this point I was WAY too close to throw in the towel. So I bundled up and tossed all my hopes in a bucket. This bucket carried me to the front of the line to meet a squadron of officers. Shit! It was at this point I ducked a little and cut to the middle of the crowd amongst the mass of people fervently waiving their purple tickets in the air to gain admission. I acted as if I was freezing and kept my hands together and stayed low only to make it though the ticket check, I was free! Everyone else in front of me jumped for joy when they gained access so eff it, I faked the funk and did the same. Hands in the air, jumping and all…this in efforts of getting away from the cops as FAST as possible. After getting inside I stumbled upon stranded purple ticket and pocketed it just in case. Talk about fake it ‘til you make it. That’s how it all happened, and the rest, was history (major pun).

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Image Courtesy of Steven Clarke

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About us Couldn't Make This Up Random

Happy Anniversary!

January 5, 2009 – 2:33 pm

…as of last December (21st to be exact). It has been an excellent run, and we will continue to push forward. I was looking back (*cue violins please Clev) at old posts from the first month (*learns Clev is an awful violinist) when we used to reel off new material DAILY (*takes tissue to wipe tear from Itty) . The first thing that came to mind was, what the HELL did we do aside from blog!? I don’t remember, but it couldn’t have been that much else. In any event, this serves as an official thank you to all the folks from the mainland to across the seas who took time to read our stuff, Cheers! Long Live AH!

In other news: It was a very rough 4th quarter, leaving me with little to no free time for the better things in life; i.e. AbsoHilare.com. Lucky for me, it seems as if things have calmed down, thus freeing up more space in my mind to think of random things hilare in nature. 

Not many chuckles over here today, very drab Monday in the office…WAIT! I take that back, I did see some some wild shit on my way in this morning, nothing big though. 

I’m on the 7 train, and it is packed (as always) and everyone is basically throwing themself into the person infront of them to try to get to work on time. It’s always disasterous. So after the door closes I find myself entirely too close to this other person on the train, wearing the most festive hat. In wondering who designed this awful piece, i take a closer look. It is then and there i became very confused. In a dream world I would have tapped this man on his shoulder and said, “Sir, it isn’t that cold this morning, nor will it EVER be cold enough for you to leave your house, as the grown man you are, wearing a Baby Phat hat, jackass.” I just couldn’t believe it, this grown effin man wearing Baby Phat to work, it is for WOMEN! Assclown. 

Also, (blatantly continuing my rant for no reason) it has been quite some time since I forgot my cell phone at home. Today I learned the hard way that it just is not the way to go. I mean, I am doing pretty well without it, I think. My main problem is the fact that I continually make myself look like an arse. How? Oh, easy. When you are walking around the office and you (continually) slap your hip in hopes of retrieving your phone from it’s case, only for your hand to meet with the leather of your belt time and time again. It only makes it worse. Just be good to yourself and don’t forget your phone. Thanks. 

Happy New Year? Yes!

Happy AH Day?! hmm, any takers? 

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About us Abso Ridic American Gladiators Random

Biggest Hoax Ever: Chinese Food

August 29, 2008 – 11:10 am

It’s safe to say that just about everyone reading this has had Chinese food. Whether it was PF Chang’s or your local neighborhood Kim’s Hunan Oriental Peking Great Wall Dragon Buffet Wok, you’ve had it.  Pardon the name tangent, but apparently I wasn’t the only one who realized how unoriginal these names were; this man did too. Hilare. This man devoted a website that auto generates these jaded (get this one?) Chinese Restaurant name selections. Our personal favorite was “Little Hungry Again in 15 Minutes”.

Moving along, the first time someone presented me with a Chinese food menu I was befuddled. So many options – how could they possibly have all these wonderfully seasoned affordable meal options available all the same time?

Now, I would say think outside the box next time you take a trip or place an order from your favorite Asian eatery but you don’t have to, it’s clear as day! Chinese food is a hoax, all smoke and mirrors, Wool over your eyes I say!

So here is my beef (puns perhaps): let’s say you’d like some chicken for lunch today, sounds fair? Good, chicken it is. Now, lets look into your lunch special options, wait, you may see about 6-8 “different” chicken options but in all reality its probably about 2 real choices. The rest of them are the same two just with different vegetable decorations and a sprinkle of sauce variance. Don’t believe me? Go pick up the closest menu and tell me what you see. Chicken with broccoli, chicken in garlic sauce, chicken in black bean sauce, schezuan chicken, chicken in curry sauce, chicken with eggplant and so on and so forth. The most deceiving part is the fact that they change the prices for these remixed chicken dishes; truly unfair to the consumer.

Its all the same thing! Listen, take my advice and mix it up. I caught onto this trickery by ordering what I thought to be two completely different exquisite meals yet little did I know it was just like the other one but with water chestnuts. PMO! (Pissed Me Off)

Listen here local China man, stop fooling people, this “diverse menu” trickery has to come to an end. We are onto you, everything is all the same with different veggies…the jig is up!

ENJOY the Holdiay weekend, I will be having an Usain Bolt party for sure. Oh, and before i go, effnbc!

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About us Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five Random

Some Sh*t You Just Don’t Do Pt. 2

April 3, 2008 – 9:15 am

“….As I step into the bathroom I was abruptly met by a pungent toxin-like stench. I took a look around to ensure that no one had died and then I realized someone was doing the “Shitty-Feet”. This is when there is someone taking a crap in the stall and all you see is their feet…”

Just my luck!

Once again I step to el baño (yeah…I like to mix in a little Español here and there to keep you on your toes) to relieve my bladder and surely there is someone already seated with some shit going on. (No pun intended?) Oddly, as of late it seems like every time I wander off to the the lavatory someone is there, taking a crap. No lie! It is quite disturbing folks, I’ve even tried to go to another bathroom, same deal. I know its weird but this is what happens so I figured I would share it with you.

So, as I enter bathroom I am immediately blind sighted by the most FOUL one-two punch of STANK in ages. ‘Twas not pleasant, at all! So the way this here bathroom is situated is as follows. You have three urinals then the stalls beside them. I chose to use the one furthest away from the stall as to attempt to dodge the stench. So I’m handling my business and while habitually observing my surroundings I stumble upon someone else doing the “Shitty Feet”. This man however, was a Shitty Feet professional.

There was NO shame in his game. Now, at my place of employment (as like many others) we have our I.D cards in order to swipe between different levels of the building. Could it just have been the shitty luck of this man to have caused his Shitty Feet to be displayed DIRECTLY beside his WORK I.D ?!? I tell you this, I was CRACKIN’ UP! I mean, he HAD to hear me laughing because he did a little foot shuffle. He was doing what I have come to call the “Identified Shitty Feet”. Name, picture and department out for all for the world to see.

I am sorry to do this BUT…Mr. Kester Julian, If you are reading this sir, please be more careful when doing the Shitty Feet. That is all.

Now, I’m off to Martial Arts class. (Pah! What a fu*kin Lie! Carry on now…Nothing else to see here)

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About us Couldn't Make This Up Random RBT

Ruined By Typo [RBT] : The Intro

March 27, 2008 – 10:13 am

One day Musin draws my attention to how easy it is for a simple typo to completely ruin an entire conversation. Boy I tell you, SINCE THAT DAY, I have seen PLENTY people get RBT, myself included.

It’s a pretty simple concept. With millions of people using gchat, text message, aim, email, etc. a conversation can go from good to bad with one unintended stroke of an incorrect key. Sometimes it is so small you wont even know until the person replies, notifying you of your immediate downfall due to being RBT.

Don’t believe me?

1. Imagine sending an email that has been RBT to your boss. Something like the e-mail Musin sent his boss. Oh, what e-mail? This one…(Don’t kill me for this Musin but I could NOT let this one get swept under the rug.)

Hey (Insert name of Musin’s boss),

I just received an e-mail from a client who would like to change their program from standard to custom. Where do I go to ass the new changes?

RBT! Writing ASS to your boss instead of ADD can and WILL ruin you!

2. My ruining moment:

Clev: oh Musin, what a mess
so I tried to get into the club, but Rebecca wasn’t there
But dan was there, the dancer

Musin: Dan the dancer?
Wtf
Lol

Clev: I mean, the bouncer
lmao, ruined by typo

Musin: Clearrrrrrrly
Story done

3. Here’s one that happened an HOUR ago:

Girl: This man doesnt give up.
He should be looking for Obama
I mean Osama
lol

Clev:: OH NO

Girl: rbt!

Clev: RBT

(She just effed up Obama’s entire campaign with one typo. SMH.)

4. Let me introduce you to another recent victim and one of the WORST ones I’ve seen.

So, there’s this guy that I’m certain is gay (not that I believe there is anything wrong with this). But according to him, he’s straight, loves women, thinks they are hot, wants to do them, blah, blah, blah, you follow? Good.

He (we’ll call him John) has the following conversation via gchat:

Innocent Bystander: Stop being jaded by her (his ex-girlfriend) ..You’re tainted and you’re going to give the next girl a really hard time.

John: Not tainted…You are right I just need to focus on myself…I still want a wife and kids…I just need to focus on men

John: oops, *me

##########

Ohhhhhhh noooooooo. Too late buddy. TOO LATE. TOO LATE. YOU ARE RUINED. Ummm are you really trying to hit me with a [ *me ]. TOO LATE. TOO LATE. TOO LATE. You’re fuckin’ done son!

(It doesn’t help that a few days later a gay man tried to hit on him in the club. Hmmmmmm. That is all.)

So please be careful out there folks. A typo will ruin you.

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