Alright, so I know it has been quite some time since I’ve updated the good ole’ AH but it has been (and still is) really hectic on this side of the fence.
This post is actually very drive-by-esque, quick & effective. No, I have not played any part in a drive-by so don’t even start looking for your gavel, “judge [insert last name here]“. Anyways, this past weekend a close collegiate colleague of mine played witness to some random hilarity and was kind enough to share with me. With that said, I decided to share with you all. After all, sharing is caring mofo.
At first, just looking at this picture I laughed. After hearing the story of the words attached to this image I was near tears. In truth, it was M. Randy who called me directly to discuss the madness. You know shit is a big deal when someone actually picks up the phone and makes a call, you just know it. After offering up a long stare at the image I couldn’t [at all] guess what this cop was saying to this incapacitated Mexican. The body language was just all too confusing. So, with that said, I went ahead and guessed a few possible options…I think these are all quite plausible:
1) “Hey bro, are you alright?”
2) “Have you ever seen Machete?”
3) “Better yet, do you own a Machete? I’m just asking.”
4) “Almost there buddy, you were 3 steps away from Corona heaven.”
5) “Marco…”
6) “What’s the big idea with the hat? Is that some cross-border trend or are you trying to block the sun? If trend, please keep it over yonder.”
7) “Ha! Guess they didn’t teach you how to say ‘Don’t tase me bro’ in your local ESL class.”
Believe it or not, all of the above guesses were incorrect. Pmo. Here’s what the fuzz actually said: “Hombre, hombre…how many cervezas?” LOL! As you could probably guess, there was no response from our hat wearing corona-seeking friend. Oh come on! Who really thought it was a coincidence that there’s a lifetime supply of Corona in the background? Not I. Nor did you. The best part is, after not getting any response from this probably unconscious man the officer went on to say what? Oh you guessed it: “Hombre, hombre….how many cervezas?” That is all he said to this man, that’s the best you could do Officer? #polociafail.
Folks, please realize that I plow through mounds of e-bullshit on a daily basis. Whether it be someone’s favorite the stupidest YouTube clip of the day, some dumb BlackBerry Messenger purple fuckry forward, or some lazy chain e-mail–it comes my way often, very much so.
Well, this time we have a winner! I wish I knew who came up with these screen-shots filled with brilliance but unfortunately I do not. If you do know who put these things together, please don’t hesitate to let us know.
Musin and I decided that since my blog (Quipwhit) and this blog (Absohilare, for those of you who have momentarily forgotten your surroundings) don’t have the same audience we can double post this. I would have posted it over here last week but Musin had something Fancy to show you all so I wrote it on Quipwhit and we decided we would post it over here now. Which is what we’re doing. Gah, why do you all keep asking me questions?! Kidding… Read on.
I probably shouldn’t just label this move as one that’s exclusive to Blockbuster because really it’s those who make these movies that should be held accountable. However, Blockbuster and I aren’t on good terms right now. We can blame THAT on the fact that when I went to rent one (as in SINGULAR) movie last night, I had to pay off $45 worth of late fees. (Quit looking at me that way.)
I was unaware of these late fees because someone had informed me that they had paid off the fees when in reality, NO. No, they did not. So here I am holding up the line because all I want is one simple movie and they have to list off a myriad of charges. AND OH DID HE LIST THEM. This man had no inside voice. He was shaming me into paying for all the late fees which really were NOT my fault but they hear that all the time so I just stood there and looked guilty. BUT! We’re not here to discuss my inability to return moves on time. It’s a problem. I’m aware. More importantly, my bank account is aware but anyways…
I feel like it’s my civic duty to inform you, AbsoHilare readers, of the worst of all the Blockbuster Swindles… The Fake Movie.
I really wanted there to be a collective gasp from the audience but instead I feel you all narrowing your eyes like I’m completely making this up.
Well, I’m NOT.
Every year we have those huge blockbuster movies that are all the rage. When Transformers hit the big screen in 2007, it was all anyone could talk about. Megan Fox! Shia LeBouf! Optimus Prime who’s actually being voiced by the same guy who voiced him in the 80s cartoon! (Ok, that last one may have been a bit of a stretch and only me and 3, 252 other nerds knew that fact.) Regardless, you get my point. It was a hit and people were clamoring to get it on dvd. Everyone was excited to watch the movie in the comfort of their own home, away from the confines of the uncomfortable seats, the sticky floors, the heavy breathers and the loud candy openers that are all a given when you see a movie in the theater.
This is where the swindle comes in.
Watch closely.
Blockbuster preys on the uninformed. They know that Transformers is a hit and they want their money. They want it now. There’s no waiting the three months for the movie to grace the likes of a simple dvd. What do they do? Oh it’s simple. And evil.
They sneakily place on their shelves the movie that sounds almost identical to the big blockbuster of the season. So, some unaware grandma comes by, sees Transmorphers on the shelf and thinks, “Little Johnny’s been dying to see that robot movie! And I know it started with ‘Trans-’ so this has to be it!” Grandma, completely proud of herself, is only setting herself up for shame and failure.
You can see why poor Grandma would be confused.
Transmorphers is not the movie Little Johnny was looking for. Transmorphers does not have Megan Fox and Transmorphers most certainly does not have Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots.
I never understood why I felt like I was the only one aware of this swindle. Why weren’t more people outraged? I can go through Blockbuster at any given time and find at least 5 fake movies. Just last night I saw this gem:
Paranormal Entity does NOT equal Paranormal Activity.
Then I realized, with a great deal of shame, that I’m the only other person besides unsuspecting grandmas who has ever actually fallen for the Blockbuster Swindle. I don’t really understand what happened, how that movie ended up in my hands on that fateful day… I remember wandering into Blockbuster intent on renting some horror movie about a creepy little boy. One of those flicks where the kid is evil and everyone’s in denial and it’s all fun and games until the kid starts sacrificing neighborhood cats. I’m not sure. One of those. What I came out with was this:
El Orfanato: It’s not what you’re looking for.
How I missed the fact that the title was in another language is unclear. What I do know is that I got home and was 30 minutes into the film before I realized, “Hey, wait a second! I’ve been reading subtitles this entire time! They’re never switching to English, are they?!” I hung my head in shame and knew. I had been a victim of the Blockbuster Swindle.
Oh come on! Don’t be surprised, you already know you don’t need any more background information than that. The world knows that Easter Sunday is when you can expect to see the most efforts in fanciness that your mind can fathom. This happens because this is when the folks that never come to church decide to show up for the “holiday-blessings”. I’m certain you are familiar with their kind; the people that show up on Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Years if they feel like it. The New Year effort is to attempt to start of the year fresh; sin-free even. The reason these people look so foolish at the service is because of one of the two following things:
1) They do not own many suits or clothing acceptable for the house of Baby Jesus.
2) They own plenty suits, unfortunately all from their disco days. (Note: this options yields the most hilarity)
Now I can’t honestly say I have the slightest clue where this man found his inspiration to throw together this ensemble but without further adieu I present to you one of the most fancy failures in Easter Sunday History:
"oh you fancy huh? tie done. tie done. everything did."
THIS SHIT IS WILD! What do you think he was thinking? How does one adequately define the expression on this man’s face? The best I could come up with is comfortably awkward.
I now leave the floor open for captions for this man’s outfit. I had a ton of them attack the forefront of my mind all at once.
“I didn’t know which one to wear so I wore both.”
“I didn’t know which one I liked more; it was a tie.”
“Close knotted race, on my chest area.”
“You like this? Knot me.”
Alright I’m going to stop here. Take it away.
p.s. A friend of mine took this pic and I seriously have no idea how it came out this clear. I would’ve been laughing so hard the image clarity would have been poor at best.
I know, the site hasn’t been updated in a while but fret not–we are still here & still stirring up hilarity. See proof below.
Now, this has to be is certainly one of the top ten most ridiculous things I’ve ever read in my life; and I see a plenty o’ ridic shite on the reg. Hm, remember when people used to say that? “On the reg”, what ever happened to that one? Ah well, *moves on.
For the folks reading that are not familiar with the HOV lane, it’s a lane reserved for cars on busy highways carrying 2 or more persons. These vehicles are considered to be High Occupancy Vehicles (HOV). Thus, if you are the only one in your car, stay the eff out of that lane. Got it? Good. Now that you’ve digested that tidbit please see image below displaying the highest heights of fuckry:
dunce.
Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. That actually IS a mannequin sporting a blazer, scarf and sunglasses. Very storefront display-esque, too bad it was nowhere near a storefront but actually in some scallywag’s passenger seat! This immediately lends me the opportunity to inquire, “what part of the game is this?” Are you that stupid or were you just that late? Or, are you actually a high-level functioning retard? I bet you this was something she did on the reg (I believe people should still use this) too. Silly mofette.
[For those who aren't aware, a "mofette" is the female version of a mofo. Just wanted everyone to be on the same page.]
This whole scenario has opened my mind to a slew of even more ridiculous mannequin related faux-passenger scenarios:
1) Does “it” have a name?
2) Does she change the faux-passenger’s style to be in season? Meaning, does “it” wear t-shirts in the summer? Winter jackets when it snows? Hilare, hilare.
3) What does she do with it when she gets to her destination? Imagine this car with said mannequin arriving at work; does everyone just see it and keep it moving? Hell no!
4) What happens at stop lights? Oh, loss.
5) What would happen if she got pulled over by the police–oh shit! We have that answer! I’ll take “how to get a ridiculous ticket for $2000 Alex?” *buzzer sounds* “Daily Double!”
Just in case you think there was only one idiot foolish enough to attempt this, think again: Mega-Dunce. The best part about this article is the note reading, “As for his passenger, well, he’s not talking either.” Hilare.
