Category Archives: Abso Ridic

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An AbsoHilare Christmas

January 4, 2010 – 7:27 pm

‘Twas the morning of Christmas and all was jolly in the halls of the Clarke household. Everyone had just consumed a solid breakfast and it was now time to open the gifts. I came prepared this year, top notch gifts for the family members across the board. *pats self on back.

The way it works is like this, whoever is getting the gifts gets all their gifts at once. Example, if Its “my turn”, I get all my shit from everyone then and there. Less confusion and it gets it all out the way at once. No back and forth. So after my father got all his gifts, it was my brother’s turn. Sister got him a new camera, I got him a RL shirt, and then my mom decides to pop up with her slew of gifts…

Right off the bat she steals the effin’ show. (Note: my mother is WAY out of touch with pop culture.) She excitedly hands him a small well wrapped gift as her first of 4 items. With a huge smile my brother begins violently unwrapping this gift. So I’m like, what the fuck could that be?! I wish I had never asked!

Turns out it was a t-shirt, he opened it with the front facing him. So all I saw was a black t-shirt; until he turned it around. This was the time in which I realized my 29-year old brother had just received a Twilight t-shirt with Edward Cullen’s FACE on the front. It was OVER! My sister hit the floor, dying with laughter. I couldn’t contain my chuckles either, I was belting them out.

The best was my mom’s face when her children were rolling on the floor in laughter after opening her first gift. The funny thing is she was like, “well I thought he would love it, its all the rage these days.” Yeah mom, it might be–for sappy 14-year old teenage girls! Needless to say the latter 3 gifts made up for the first, but that shit was epic.

[Some of you may have heard this before, but this part I saved ONLY for the purpose of this post.]

After my brother got his gifts, my mother got hers and then it was my turn. Brother gave me a nice sweater, sister got me a nice pair of jeans, then it was time to open mom’s gift.

I’m (clearly) already leery about her Christmas contributions but what else can I do, NOT open my mother’s Christmas gifts? As I pick up this tightly wrapped gift I hear my mother chuckle to herself in the corner. At that point I knew it, I KNEW the loss that was coming to smite me. Ripped open the gift and just as I thought–another fucking Twilight shirt. Hello Fail whale! Same shit too! At that point I really had to give her a talking to. Lucky for her she got me some other boss gifts to make up for it.

Christmas was hilare, clearly.

Happy New Year!
-A. Musin

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 15: “Subway Shower”

October 22, 2009 – 12:11 pm

It is approximately 7:43 AM as Musin luckily finds himself a seat on a crowded F train. Not the best seat, but at least I don’t have to stand up at this ungodly hour. *phew.

So while doing a small amount of early-marnin’ people watching, I spy with my four-eyes a very fidgety blond haired dame doing the MOST at this early hour. As in, her movements were so sharp and frantic that I thought she was, well…a hungry crackhead! A hungry crackhead not hungry for food, that is. A hungry crackhead, not hungry for food but instead for crack-cocaine. Get me? Good. This is when I tuned in to the show, “Subway Shower, F train edition.”

She hurriedly forced her coat off her person, then mounted her over sized handbag [overnight bag] on her lap and it was off to the races. She was rummaging through that shit like a bum does a dumpster. You might be wondering, “why would you call it a Train Bath Musin?” Well it’s simple what happened. Here is my take: this girl slept out at (probably) some male friend’s house and was late to get to class so she just got up and ran to the train. Take this as fact for the following reasons:

1) She pulled out her bottle of lady spray and went to work! She sprayed her soul with this misty musk; her soul!

2) She took out a beat up bottle of Poland Spring and took a swig–of water. She then swished the H20 around then swallowed. Poland Spring mouth wash, yup, she did that.

3) Smart girl she is. Right after the gargle and rinse of warm tap water she IMMEDIATELY flung a stick of Winterfresh in her mouth; brilliant! Minty fresh for the day, no? NO! Fail, you nasty mofette.

4) This is when I was sold. After she did everything else this girl dug her left arm to the depths of her bag, uncapped her deodorant, raised the arms and applied–ON THE TRAIN. Now, I’ve seen girls do their make up on the train and that’s alright (I guess), but you can’t tell me that the rubbing of one’s antiperspirant onto their person is OK.

She then went on to do her homework…hm, wonder what she did last night? Freak nasty had time to hit the sheets but not the shower eh? Anti-bueno!

*drops microphone. (yes, we do love to drop the microphone–I knew you were wondering.)

*picks up the microphone; drops it again.

*does the electric slide.

Musin, out!
Long Live AH.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Balloon Boy: A Ridiculously, Undeserved Nickname

October 15, 2009 – 6:24 pm

Tell me you watched the live coverage of Balloon Boy today.  Don’t break my heart and just tell me you did.  I sat at work, hunkered down in my office, my face only dimly lit by the bluish view from my computer screen rooting on the six year old inside the homemade space craft.

*Errrrreeeeek!  *record comes to a SCREECHING halt.

Let me just bring you up to speed if you a) don’t have Twitter or b) were living under a rock.

Today the news stations were all flustered with a breaking story.  A six year old boy!  Runaway aircraft!  Wait, wait, runaway homemade aircraft that looks like a giant flying saucer! 10,000 feet above the ground!  He was losing control, cameras were following the little spaceship’s every move!  People were flipping the eff out on Twitter.  #Balloonboy became a trending topic on Twitter in like 32.4 seconds and everyone was like, “OMG!  #Balloonboy is not a laughing matter!  He could B dead!!!!”  And I sort of giggled because I was just like, “Musin… Clev… There’s a kid in a BALLOON that looks like a SPACESHIP.  Oh and it’s spiraling out of control over the Rockies.”  And then we all had a good laugh.

But then the unthinkable (and by unthinkable I mean how did we NOT see this coming???) happened and they got the balloon down and no six year old boy popped out.  None at all.  In fact, I was a little nervous when the people were hacking away at the spaceship and I was all THE BOY!  WHAT ABOUT THE BOY INSIDE?! Until I realized, oh hey, he’s not in there.  He’s probably fallen out… SADFACE.

I was really sad.  Mainly for the family because the death of a child, *shudder* is terrible but also because MAN, this story had so much potential for funny.  I laughed allt he way up until there was a lack of boy in the balloon.  In fact, I have several instances I’d like to point out.

1) Exactly what kind of family has a homemade, spare, functioning spaceship just lying around?  I mean, are they in the habit of creating such vehicles?  Is this a side hobby of the family?  Are they in the Real Live Spaceship business?  Spaceships ‘R Us: You dream it, we make it.  (No, you shut up.  If I had a spaceship making business that is totally what I would name it.)

2) How exactly did the conversation go when they realized the kid was missing?  “Oh hey, anyone seen Falco-OH MY GOSH.  He’s floating away in our homemade fully functioning astronaut farmer spacecraft!!  CALL THE GUARD!!!!”  That’s all there is to say about that.

3) The kid’s name is Falcon.  As in the bird.  That flies.  Is anyone else seeing the irony here?

4) Let’s just take a minute to grab some lines from news anchors reporting this debacle…  We all know Shep Smith has uttered my favorite line of all time.  (Wait… Did we not know this?  Short version: Guy runs up while Shep is reporting on Katrina, crazy, drunk guy running around without his shirt on, Shep says, “Sir! Sir!  What are you still doing here?!  Everyone is supposed to be out!”  Crazy, drunk guy screams something about partying with Katrina or something and Shep looks back at the camera, deadly serious and says, “THAT guy’s probably gonna die.”  The end.)  But today an anchor actually looked at the camera and said, “This isn’t the kind of thing we see very often.”

I’m sorry.

What?

VERY OFTEN?!  When have you ever seen a six year old float away in a homemade spaceship?!  That would be NEVER, my friend.  Never.  Not once.  Not last week.  Not since Area 51 was the talk of the town.  Never.

5) And finally, let’s just address the little fact of where Balloon Boy actually was…  After his parents have called out the National Guard or whatever military service they were using.  After CNN has had this kid as their breaking news headline for the majority of the day.  After I have spent the last two hours of my workday glued to my computer screen do we find out… Little Falcon?  He was IN THE ATTIC.

Yeah.

ATTIC.

Probably just hanging out.  Playing army or pretending to be Anne Frank.  I’m not real sure what six year old boys do when their in the attic alone while the rest of the nation worries that they might not be alive any longer.  Wanna know why I’m not so sure?  Because the rest of the entire nation and I were too busy watching the spiraling Jiffy Pop container over the Rockies!  Wondering if the child has already plummeted to his death!  Yeah, that’s what I was doing.  What about you?

Long live AH!  Deuces!

*drops mic….

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About us Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 14 “Train Fails”

September 4, 2009 – 11:55 am

I know I know…the posts have somewhat decreased but fret not young world, AH is still very much alive and well. Team is doing well, work just kicks THE most arse this summer. Yarr.

So over the past few weeks I’ve seen a few chucklers on the good ole’ iron horse but I wanted to compile a list of hilarity to deliver all at once. Well, what are you waiting for, see list below:

1) The F train stops at 71st Street to do the most intense transfer [blatant hyperbole] known to man. People are flying in and out of this train trying to scramble to catch the next. So this older chubby dude was the last to attempt the switch; his face meeting only the soon closing doors. With one last burst of energy he forced one arm in and lodged his shoulder in the door. Wild already. So he then pulls some Hulk shit and rips open the door of the train. With grease stains and all Captain Rotund finally lands his first foot through the now open door. AS he THINKS to lift the other leg to make the big walk in comes the NYPD, “excuse me sir, get off the damn train and show me some ID.” Yea, fail! read more »

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About us Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random Subway Chronicles

The Bicycle Crook

May 21, 2009 – 11:37 am

You have to love NYC! I know people do wild shit all over the world, but I’ll bet big bucks that the majority of this wild shittery transpires in the ciudad of Nueva York. [*Turns off SAP] Oh, what kinda shite? Shite like this:

After leaving this event in the city we happened to spot this ultra shady character in a gray hoody on a bicycle emitting a very questionable vibe. No, I wasn’t even judging (not this time). So what gave him away you ask? Oh, mayyyyyybe because he was spotted jiggling LOCKS on Bowery. Mannnn, we KNOW you don’t work there! Even if you did, you didn’t JUST lock up shop, you didn’t! That coffee shop closed before sundown! Crook!

Also, ALSO! If you worked there or had any business trying to get in there @ 11:30 pm–you would most certainly own a KEY!

So my friend yells “oh shit! Who the fuck jiggles locks at 11:30?!”. At this point I’m still laughing hysterically at the whole scenario UNTIL said shady lock jiggler rolls up to us on SAID bicycle (an effing bicycle!) with a verbal contribution of, “something funny fellas?”. Uhhh sir, sir! SIR! Did you just NOT just see yourself checking locks of someone elses store on your (getaway) bicycle? Was that NOT your shadow on the floor while your person shook & turned the padlock of the store you (clearly) do NOT work at?! Do NOT piss me off Crook, don’t effin’ do it.

So with that bullshit I just start laughing even harder (I laughed PLENTY that night? Yes, yes I did). Then my friend said something along the lines of “No man we just left this event, had a couple drinks. It was a good time man you missed out.”

[* Still cracking up]

Then the crook proceeds to ask more info about the event! At that point I was just like could you please kindly keep it effin’ moving. No real “tough guy” tries to have conversations to find out about events in NYC. Lucky for him, I cut my beard a few weeks back hence me not actually saying a word this entire post. I hope he knows he spared himself from a dual-foot roundhouse kick, don’t ask. *Looks at Chuck, receives approval. Moves on…

Go fly a kite, crook.

Musin, out! Long live AH!

[Thanks to to our partner at ithinkyoureswell.com for the event info; good times Nerd.]

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