Category Archives: Abso Ridic

Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Subway Chronicles Pt 11: Subway Song Gone Wrong

February 26, 2009 – 4:29 pm

Alright this didn’t happen on the train, it happened on the bus–but so what? As I thought to make a whole new Category I said to myself, “self, how often do you take the bus?” Surprisingly (lie) self said, “not often, not often at all.”  A dear friend of mine was fortunate enough to witness this comedic gem so I felt as if it was my duty to spread the hilarty. So with the wind behind me, and my fingers storming away, out came the latest Subway Chronicle! Alas!

Clearly Subway [no, not the train system] was onto something when the folks over in marketing pushed through this little 5 Dollar Foot long Jingle, but who would’ve thought this could go international?!

Here is the story as it was told to me:

So I’m on the bus and this random guy comes on singing that stupid Subway song…”Five!…Five Dollar!…Five Dollar Foot loooong”.. PMO! As he goes to take his seat he continues to sing the song the whole time. Finally he sits down behind a Spanish lady and her child then does the unthinkable. Out of nowhere comes, “Cinco!..Cinco Peso!….Cinco Peso FOOT LOOONG!.”

If I was on this bus I would’ve erupted in laughter, maybe even began the spanglish sing-along. What would possess a man to perform such a ridiculous act? Things like this make me want to take the bus more often as the Subway hasn’t been the most active as of late. Bums are quiet, people are behaving…nothing much to see these days. I bet when it gets warmer everyone will start with their shenanigans again.

Bring on the warm weathered tomfoolery!

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random The Haps

Suggestions for VD… If You’re a Dollar Menunaire.

February 13, 2009 – 1:39 pm

So, let’s do a little survey? (Not an actual survey… I mean, I can’t very well sit here and wait for your answers or there wouldn’t be a post, now would there?) What do you think of when I say “White Castle?”

Oh?  What’s that?

Drunken nights?

Hangover prevention food?

Me passed out in the middle of my living room with no pants on covered only by a Dance, Dance, Revolution mat, surrounded by empty White Castle boxes with little onions and pickles around my head only AFTER I’ve been outside in my front yard telling my friends that I need to go to the gas station with them regardless of the fact that I’m not currently wearing pants?  (Oh.  Wait.  Is that just me?  Ok, fine… Things escalated quickly… My boyfriend was a bartender… I… I… I don’t know what happened.  But I will say, that Dance, Dance Revolution mat made a mighty fine hobo blanket…)

Anyways, back to the point… Who here thinks of the following picture when you think of White Castle???

Hot and steamy night at the Castle?!  NEED RESERVATIONS?!  Who reserves a table at White Castle???  I don’t think I’ve ever been inside one… I mean, isn’t most of their business drive-through business???  This… This… This is an outrage!  Clearly, the Castle is giving people the wrong idea.  That idea being that WHITE CASTLE IS A SUITABLE DINING EXPERIENCE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY.

Just for anyone who might be confused and need clarification:  IT’S NOT.

Weigh in on this, Musin.

[Musin Here]

Shit! Damn it Itty, you blew my surprise…now I will have to find another trendy ultra classy top notch late night junk-food house to use for Vday–PAH! As if! (remember that? I haven’t heard someone use that in decades) I think it is better off left alone, mayhaps.

Please, can someone find out/guess how much they had to pay those people on the flier to forever be the laughing stock of America (and AH). They are now the poster children of FAIL. As in, did they REALLY pick up the phone, dial 718-899-8404, plug in the appropriate extension,  make reservations for Valentines Day @ White Castle, invite a date, and take the date out to a stove-lit candlelit dinner for Valentines Day at White Castle? Who the font would subject them self to such fuckry? *Looks up at the pics of the people on the flier, ah welp! Tough break!

Also, In looking further into this terribly bad idea I discovered instead of this stove-lit dinner (eff it, it is what it is), you could bring home to your lovey a “Cupid Crave Kit”, HA! This featuring eight cheeseburgers, one sack of fries, two sodas, and a “keepsake item”. WOOT! A keepsake item from White Castle? What could that be, Grease?

Clev, please weigh in on this.

[Wait!  Itty here again... I just came to the realization that this is a legitimate phone number... As in one that they think people are actually going to call...  My guess?  You dial 1-800-I'm-A-Douche and you get the exact same thing... The White Castle Special V-Day Reservations Hotline...  Imagine the people working on the other end of the line... "White Castle Hotline, reservations for 2?" all the meanwhile thinking to theirself  "Life really doesn't get any lower than this and you, fair customer, really ARE a douchebag..."]

Stop hogging Itty! [Oh, Clev here]

You want to know how outrageous this is? Well, a friend of mine once went into a White Castle after a drunken night. Before entering the eatery (pah!) he noticed a bum needy-looking individual perched up by the door. Now, my friend (the thoughtful individual that he is) thoughtfully (duh) remembered this man while ordering his food, even in his drunken state.

After the cashier rings up the order, he grabs the two separate bags, heads out the door, and gleefully hands the man the bag. The man reluctantly takes the bag, peeks inside and frowns. THEN, he crumples the bag back up and hands it to my friend and replies, “no thanks.”

And THIS is the place to take a Valentine’s date? Me thinks not..

Oh and can someone please call! If someone calls, make reservations and goes, I’ll pay for it.

Shite! There is a website. Oh, they go hard (like Brooklyn). Their tagline is…”Valentine’s Day at the LOVE Castle” PAH!

Happy VD kids!  No, not that kind…Sickos.
Team AH.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Snuggie: Warm Blanket or Cultic Garb?

February 4, 2009 – 1:39 pm

So,

Somehow these blasted blankets are selling like hot cakes (hmm, how many hot cakes can one really sell though…). Anyways, this is very wild to me. After seeing this infomercial a time or few, I realized how they manage to sell so many of these. It isn’t just a warm blanket with convenient sleeves, clearly it’s the last and final adornment needed to gain membership into the obvious Snuggie CULT. Please take another look at the infomercial after reading the points below:

1) WHY does the lady rhyme in the first few lines of this thing? I bet you didn’t think of this before, but clearly she is some form of soothsayer-eqsue cult leader trying to penetrate your mind with rythmical lines. We won’t go for it Snuggie; CULT!

2) Now, the lady on the phone. Who do you think she is talking to? Ah ha! You guessed it too, clearly she is speaking with the Chief of the Snuggie Cult providing a live update on the progress of the commercial/takeover. Here is a little known fact for you all: They cut away right before she begins tapping her fingers together in a mischievous fashion while sporting an evil grin. This while the light is only on her face, the rest of the room fading into shadows (*insert evil laugh here). This is all true.

3) If this was such a nice item for caring everyday folks trying to stay warm then WHY is mom wrapped up all toasty yet infant is stuck to endure the cold. You know what kind of people administer such torture to babies? CULT!

(Also, I think she just poisoned that puppy)

4) Who would really go out as a large group to a camp fire ALL wearing burgundy colored cult robes Snuggie’s? I know who, members of a CULT. They just used those same sticks holding the marshmallows to  slay the sacrificial goat, this is fact.

5) These guys are smart little cult followers. They wore these things to a large sporting event (Okay, maybe not that large of an event but give me a break here) ? Clearly they went out in numbers to recruit for…you guessed it, the CULT!

6) The Compact press and Open book light, all a lie. That is just fancy housing for some poisonous potion placed in “cups of tea” (as shown in the commercial).

I mean, who would really own one of these? Why not just put on a Sweater? I don’t get it, i don’t. However, Rumor has it someone that happens to read this here blog is actually a PROUD member of the Snuggie cult owner if this ridiculous armed blanket. I won’t call any names though…

Even worse, they have  major competitor, the mighty  SLANKET! The Snuggie vs. Slanket rivalry is really heating up, too bad I don’t care at all. Rumor also has it that someone that reads and writes for this blog (who owns a SNUGGIE) is thoroughly interested in doing away with said Snuggie, and switching to the Slanket clan! This is only the beginning, and I’m afraid to say I have no idea of where this will end.

*prays.

Be good now.

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Abso Ridic Random

In Which I Tell You That I Apparently Look Like a Criminal.

January 14, 2009 – 1:46 pm

I live in a tiny town.  Like the kind of town you see on television… Everyone knows everyone, I can more than likely get out of a ticket because I’ll know the cop, you know, Mayberry type town.  Except more redneck.  And most of the time I don’t actually claim to be from this town, but whatever.  Bygones.

This past weekend I was headed home and cutting through the neighborhood to get to my street and my little dog, Russell was in the car with me.  (Russell is a Brussels Griffon.  Yes, I named him Russell the Brussel.  Yes, I was more than likely dropped on my head as an infant.)  Except… I can’t get to my street.  The street is blocked off by about a dozen cop cars.  AND there are police running up and down the street with flashlights. 

I pull up to the first cop who is waving madly for me to turn around and I’m like, “Uh… dude, I live over on Allison.  I need to get through.”  He tells me that I’ll have to use the other entrance and then goes back to his waving.  I’m not satisfied with the amount of info I received so I clear my throat and ask him if there’s anything I need to be concerned about.  His answer?  Not anymore.

Uh….

I’m sorry but you have members of your police force running up and down a street which just happens to be blocked off with probably more than half of my town’s police department.  Oh but it’s all good?  Awesome.

I head up to the other end of the entrance where I’m met by yet another cop who is, once again, waving at me to turn my car around.  I go through my spiel again and I tell him that the other cop told me to come this way.  He gives me the once over and says, “Well, I’m gonna have to see some ID proving that you live on Allison.”

Oh my bad.  I forgot I had my trusty black and white striped burglar uniform on.  Oh and my dog?  The little tiny one who’s sitting in my lap?  Yeah, he’s my vicious guard dog.  Oh and not to mention that apparently the crime is still IN PROGRESS since you’ve got your guys scouring the street and I just pulled up.  So, you know, go right ahead and interrogate me when you could be oh… I dunno… out looking for the REAL GUY.  After he had given me the ok to go to my house he gave me these instructions, “Once you get to your house, go inside, lock your doors and do not come outside for any reason.”

Are these the words describing an area that is now safe for me to venture through like I was told?  I do not believe so.

Once he told me that, I replied that no way was I staying in my house and that I just needed to get some stuff.  He told me to come back through this entrance to MAKE SURE I GOT OUT.

Make sure I got out?!  Maybe you shouldn’t give me the ok to go IN if you’re not sure I”m gonna make it OUT, Mr. Officer!  Whatever.  Me being the smarty that I am, went in, grabbed some things and headed back out, giving him a friendly wave as I left.  Thanks, pal.  Thanks for allowing me to walk into the possible line of fire.

Oh and the reason for all the chaos?  There was a walk-by shooting.  Yeah, you read it right.  This guy didn’t drive by and shoot someone, he walked past their car and did it.  Clearly a criminal mastermind!

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up

Protected by Viper, Stand back?

November 21, 2008 – 11:09 am

Alarms, a solid way to protect your home for burglary/theft. Not at home? No problem, fire up the good old alarm, put on the code and your off to tackle the day.

Now, I’ve used an alarm or two in my day but NEVER in my life have I ever heard an alarm this fidiculous (fuckin ridiculous, use it if you want, its cool). Safe to say I get off the train at one of the safest neighborhoods in Queens, with some nice sized homes. Apparently the well-off owner of this home was a damn fool, don’t believe me? Read on.

So I see the little (useless) neighborhood patrol car (armed and ready with the latest flashlight and nextel) outside of this home  flashing his yellow lights. As I walk closer to scene of this potential break in I happen to hear the warning message some jackass programmed to go off when someone breaks into their home! The robotic voiced monotonous message went as follows:

“You have illegally entered a home protected by a security system; so…Run for it! Run for it! Run for it! It said that shit about a dozen times! The effed up part about it is if I was the thief (not that this would ever be the case, ever) I would clearly be caught red handed, on the floor even, in tears–from laughter! I could’nt escape with shit hearing an alarm system telling me to “run for it”. Home owner, you win! Happy Friday & Long live AH!

*Ultra Important Announcement: (*cue drom roll……) We have a new member of the AH team, W. Itty! She will join forces along with myself, V. Clev & M. Randy in ensuring that hilarity lives on. To W. Itty, Cheers! 

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