Category Archives: Abso Ridic

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High Hopes

November 14, 2008 – 4:48 pm

The economy is bad. Fact. But is it really this bad?

I’m on my way home from work. Where’s work? It’s downtown DC next to a bunch of international organizations and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, I’m on my way home from work (I’ve never said this before, lie? ). I just happen to pass this man that’s begging, normal occurrence in DC. But, this wasn’t your ordinary bum beggar, no no no. Forget the usual, “anybody have any change.” You weren’t going to get, “Can you help me get something to eat,” from this guy. Not even an, “I need a bed.” (I’ve been asked for a bed before, they have really high hopes)

This clever man’s schtick was, “Anybody got a euro, I just need one euro, any spare euro.”

Sir, are you really begging for foreign currency? Even so, if you got the “one euro” you really needed so bad, what next? At some point I think it would behoov my bummy bretheren to beg for some US bucks, perhaps?

Give us your take. Until next time, take care.

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Biggest Hoax Ever: Chinese Food

August 29, 2008 – 11:10 am

It’s safe to say that just about everyone reading this has had Chinese food. Whether it was PF Chang’s or your local neighborhood Kim’s Hunan Oriental Peking Great Wall Dragon Buffet Wok, you’ve had it.  Pardon the name tangent, but apparently I wasn’t the only one who realized how unoriginal these names were; this man did too. Hilare. This man devoted a website that auto generates these jaded (get this one?) Chinese Restaurant name selections. Our personal favorite was “Little Hungry Again in 15 Minutes”.

Moving along, the first time someone presented me with a Chinese food menu I was befuddled. So many options – how could they possibly have all these wonderfully seasoned affordable meal options available all the same time?

Now, I would say think outside the box next time you take a trip or place an order from your favorite Asian eatery but you don’t have to, it’s clear as day! Chinese food is a hoax, all smoke and mirrors, Wool over your eyes I say!

So here is my beef (puns perhaps): let’s say you’d like some chicken for lunch today, sounds fair? Good, chicken it is. Now, lets look into your lunch special options, wait, you may see about 6-8 “different” chicken options but in all reality its probably about 2 real choices. The rest of them are the same two just with different vegetable decorations and a sprinkle of sauce variance. Don’t believe me? Go pick up the closest menu and tell me what you see. Chicken with broccoli, chicken in garlic sauce, chicken in black bean sauce, schezuan chicken, chicken in curry sauce, chicken with eggplant and so on and so forth. The most deceiving part is the fact that they change the prices for these remixed chicken dishes; truly unfair to the consumer.

Its all the same thing! Listen, take my advice and mix it up. I caught onto this trickery by ordering what I thought to be two completely different exquisite meals yet little did I know it was just like the other one but with water chestnuts. PMO! (Pissed Me Off)

Listen here local China man, stop fooling people, this “diverse menu” trickery has to come to an end. We are onto you, everything is all the same with different veggies…the jig is up!

ENJOY the Holdiay weekend, I will be having an Usain Bolt party for sure. Oh, and before i go, effnbc!

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 10: “Get Your Ass Off the Train Old Lady!”

July 11, 2008 – 10:02 am

TEN! We are at the 10th installment of this entertaining Subway Chronicle series. This is a very proud moment for me, I would like to thank Clev, Randy –oh eff it, I will save the dramatics, just know that I’m happy to still be writing and even happier your all are still reading. Thanks to the readers from all over the world (truly) who take time to read AH, much appreciated.

Now, I know I haven’t posted one of these in a while but I didn’t want to mess a good thing up and just post for the sake of posting. So I waited, and waited, and today my eyes landed on this comedic GEM; only fitting for the 10th installment of the Subway Chronicles.

So here I am heading home with head held high after a very productive day. I’m firing away at brickbreaker trying to beat my high score (10550, ha!) while leaning against the train door (I didn’t mean to rhyme, i swear.) Very packed train, folks are filing out little by little stop by stop. Now for the folks that don’t know, 71st and Continental is a very popular stop on the F train, apparently this innocent sweet-heart of an old lady wasn’t fortunate enough to have stumbled upon this post a day earlier.

At this stop a drove of people scurry to exit the train (even forcing me to put my brickbreaker attempts on hold, pmo.) This causes some serious hustle and bustle that the old lady in the back of the line just seemed to NOT realize. “Granny Loss” (as she will be referred to) was the last one to exit the train with both hands filled with the most up to date goodies from the supermarket.

She CAREFULLY peeked out to check the gap between the train car and the platform and JUST LIKE that WHOOOSH! The doors came closing RIGHT on Granny Loss’ shoulders with her head sticking out the other side of the train! At first I could not believe, then, i just could NOT stop laughing, I could NOT contain my chuckle, I couldn’t. Bags fell to the floor and all! I wish you have my view, as I was standing by said door I could see the the part of her that was still on board, and the other half STUCK outside. She was fine though, luckily. I thought she was a goner. (jk! Maybe, perhaps…mayhaps)

When I finally took a seat, I was still laughing while doing the standard peer around the train to see who else was grinning. Bad idea, caught eyes with another female citizen and it was like Medusa with grey hair! I was petrified. RIGHT BACK to brickbreaker, never looked up again until it was my stop. *Phew.

P.S. (Random but funny) One lady comes over to another at my place of employment and says:

Lady 1: Nice wallpaper, but what’s up with the chickens?

Chicken Lady: Oh, i just like them, my family has a farm so we have a whole bunch of chickens back home.

Lady 2: Ohh, I see, I always wondered…

Chicken Lady: Yupp, why? do you think it’s weird?

Lady 1: Oh no, I’m used to that stuff, I had two cocks back home. (*walks off…)

***PAUSE***

EXCUSE ME LADY? Please, Just please clear up those statements before you issue them publicly. THANKS!

(Clev and Randy you are a good set of folks, plenty thanks. Long Live AH!)

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Abso Ridic Pt. 3: “At the Car Wash?”

June 19, 2008 – 9:49 pm

Chello folks, Musin here. Just poking around the good ole’ AbsoHilare and — what? Me? Oh yes, I’ve been fine, no complaints here. Hmph, anyways, I just wanted to say that I went to the — huh? hm? I should cut to the hilarity and do away with the mildly entertaining tangent? Uhm…sure I guess I could do that…so much for building a relationship with the readers; greedy.

Yeesh that was random, nothing too crazy though…right? I mean, you never know what to expect at AH. On any given day you could find a post about anything from babies that need to be pushed (in cradle and all) to AA meetings, to an encounter with NYC’s finest–the homeless. So I figured a little Musin talking to himself wouldn’t be too far out, right (just go along with this one, come on) ? Good, glad we’re on the same page. What? Cut this tangent too? Alright alright i’m done…for now.

So the summer is finally here! It was a splendid day out so I washed the car and then moseyed on down to my nearby petroleum distributor with only the intentions to utter”Fill ‘er up” to the underpaid Indian at the pump. This gas station is ALWAYS busy so I had to wait in line at the pump. Initially I was pissed the eff off because it was hot as hades, but when I stumbled on this gem I immediately turned on my AC (with gas tank on Empty) and started cracking up!

I spot (at pump 7) this short Asian dude almost boastfully stepping out of his champagne 1999 Toyota Sienna. Sounds good already right? Well it was. So this man steps out, walks directly passed his gas tank and straight to the bucket with the windshield wiper sponge. So I’m thinking, “Oh, this man is going to clean his windshield…smart idea.”

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I was two fill ups behind this man’s turn at the pump. He spent at least 12 minutes washing his minivan–WITH THE WINDSHIELD WIPER SPONGE!! I could NOT believe it! I didn’t even care, I was looking directly at him and laughing my ass off! Who wouldn’t ?

Imagine a man at a gas station…walking directly by his gas tank every time (at a GAS STATION) only to re-lather his windshield wiper sponge in efforts of washing his MINIVAN! He washed the ENTIRE VEHICLE with a windshield wiper sponge. This is/was too wild to me. I can’t go any further. Thanks for reading and please do enjoy life.

- A. Musin.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 9: “Crack is Wack Pt.2″

May 29, 2008 – 7:55 pm

Aw shite! I am back, and its sure feels good to be home. My sincerest of apologies as life has a weird way of throwing a curve-ball when you least expect it. Anywho, tough people outlast tough times…now, onto the hilarity.

Imagine blank dark screen with old-school newspaper spiraling from the depths of the dark screen only to land smack in the middle of your screen reading: “The 7 train strikes again!” This time with no delay, as SOON as I get on the train I peer to my right to see a whole heap of empty space. Wierd. (Usually the after work rush leaves me doing somewhat of a skateboard like balancing act in the middle of the train due to lack of seating.)

Empty seat? No takers? Sure i’m in! I go to towards the seat and see yet ANOTHER cracky on the 7 train. This one was a lone ranger though. So I take a closer look and to my surprise I see cracky READING a newspaper. I was highly impressed; for about a total of 9.1 seconds. That sentiment quickly evaporated as soon as he hurriedly put his newspaper away and randomly came out came a Pint of ICE! ICE!!

Folks, where the fu*k do you randomly get ice from when you are homeless? I think it’s safe to say it would be very difficult to pull that off. So to make this even more HILARIOUS , as he is ravenously consuming these huge chunks of ice (as if it was the most delicious sorbet) he decides to scream, “A muthafucka needs to bring me some gat damn waaater”. WHAT Cracky McGee!? YOU ARE EATING ICE, and you want water?! I swear to you I had to hide my laugh by masking my face with my sleeve (as to preserve my LIFE). How are you thirsty when you are eating water? Even worse, just wait damnit! You have water, stop begging (I can tell a bum to not beg? really Musin?) people for stupid shit. Use your begs wisely.

Cracky Mac then went on to (before the conductor) announce every upcoming stop like he was opening a baseball game. So as I get off (lmao) I was about to turn back on my headphones to continue my commute but I KNEW he had one more in him. So said, so done…”74th Street and GAT DAMN Broadway Bitches..and God Bless America”… I almost LOST IT. I’m still laughing as I re-type these events. And I KNOW some one will have doubts but this is pure fact. As a matter of fact, I have PICTURES to prove it this time!! IM BACK!! (Hit the links for a better look)

“a muhhfucka needs to gimme some waaaater”

may-as-well-learn-something-new.JPG

itchy-mcgee.JPG

I got nothin.

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