Category Archives: American Gladiators

Abso Ridic American Gladiators Just Ignant

The Blockbuster Swindle.

July 29, 2010 – 2:55 pm

Musin and I decided that since my blog (Quipwhit) and this blog (Absohilare, for those of you who have momentarily forgotten your surroundings) don’t have the same audience we can double post this. I would have posted it over here last week but Musin had something Fancy to show you all so I wrote it on Quipwhit and we decided we would post it over here now. Which is what we’re doing. Gah, why do you all keep asking me questions?! Kidding… Read on.

I probably shouldn’t just label this move as one that’s exclusive to Blockbuster because really it’s those who make these movies that should be held accountable. However, Blockbuster and I aren’t on good terms right now. We can blame THAT on the fact that when I went to rent one (as in SINGULAR) movie last night, I had to pay off $45 worth of late fees. (Quit looking at me that way.)

I was unaware of these late fees because someone had informed me that they had paid off the fees when in reality, NO.  No, they did not. So here I am holding up the line because all I want is one simple movie and they have to list off a myriad of charges. AND OH DID HE LIST THEM. This man had no inside voice. He was shaming me into paying for all the late fees which really were NOT my fault but they hear that all the time so I just stood there and looked guilty. BUT! We’re not here to discuss my inability to return moves on time. It’s a problem. I’m aware. More importantly, my bank account is aware but anyways…

I feel like it’s my civic duty to inform you, AbsoHilare readers, of the worst of all the Blockbuster Swindles… The Fake Movie.

I really wanted there to be a collective gasp from the audience but instead I feel you all narrowing your eyes like I’m completely making this up.

Well, I’m NOT.

Every year we have those huge blockbuster movies that are all the rage. When Transformers hit the big screen in 2007, it was all anyone could talk about. Megan Fox! Shia LeBouf! Optimus Prime who’s actually being voiced by the same guy who voiced him in the 80s cartoon! (Ok, that last one may have been a bit of a stretch and only me and 3, 252 other nerds knew that fact.) Regardless, you get my point. It was a hit and people were clamoring to get it on dvd. Everyone was excited to watch the movie in the comfort of their own home, away from the confines of the uncomfortable seats, the sticky floors, the heavy breathers and the loud candy openers that are all a given when you see a movie in the theater.

This is where the swindle comes in.

Watch closely.

Blockbuster preys on the uninformed. They know that Transformers is a hit and they want their money. They want it now. There’s no waiting the three months for the movie to grace the likes of a simple dvd. What do they do? Oh it’s simple. And evil.

They sneakily place on their shelves the movie that sounds almost identical to the big blockbuster of the season. So, some unaware grandma comes by, sees Transmorphers on the shelf and thinks, “Little Johnny’s been dying to see that robot movie! And I know it started with ‘Trans-’ so this has to be it!” Grandma, completely proud of herself, is only setting herself up for shame and failure.

You can see why poor Grandma would be confused.

Transmorphers is not the movie Little Johnny was looking for. Transmorphers does not have Megan Fox and Transmorphers most certainly does not have Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots.

I never understood why I felt like I was the only one aware of this swindle. Why weren’t more people outraged? I can go through Blockbuster at any given time and find at least 5 fake movies.  Just last night I saw this gem:

Paranormal Entity does NOT equal Paranormal Activity.

Then I realized, with a great deal of shame, that I’m the only other person besides unsuspecting grandmas who has ever actually fallen for the Blockbuster Swindle. I don’t really understand what happened, how that movie ended up in my hands on that fateful day… I remember wandering into Blockbuster intent on renting some horror movie about a creepy little boy. One of those flicks where the kid is evil and everyone’s in denial and it’s all fun and games until the kid starts sacrificing neighborhood cats. I’m not sure. One of those. What I came out with was this:

El Orfanato: It’s not what you’re looking for.

How I missed the fact that the title was in another language is unclear. What I do know is that I got home and was 30 minutes into the film before I realized, “Hey, wait a second! I’ve been reading subtitles this entire time! They’re never switching to English, are they?!” I hung my head in shame and knew. I had been a victim of the Blockbuster Swindle.

Long live AH!

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Biggest Hoax Ever: Chinese Food

August 29, 2008 – 11:10 am

It’s safe to say that just about everyone reading this has had Chinese food. Whether it was PF Chang’s or your local neighborhood Kim’s Hunan Oriental Peking Great Wall Dragon Buffet Wok, you’ve had it.  Pardon the name tangent, but apparently I wasn’t the only one who realized how unoriginal these names were; this man did too. Hilare. This man devoted a website that auto generates these jaded (get this one?) Chinese Restaurant name selections. Our personal favorite was “Little Hungry Again in 15 Minutes”.

Moving along, the first time someone presented me with a Chinese food menu I was befuddled. So many options – how could they possibly have all these wonderfully seasoned affordable meal options available all the same time?

Now, I would say think outside the box next time you take a trip or place an order from your favorite Asian eatery but you don’t have to, it’s clear as day! Chinese food is a hoax, all smoke and mirrors, Wool over your eyes I say!

So here is my beef (puns perhaps): let’s say you’d like some chicken for lunch today, sounds fair? Good, chicken it is. Now, lets look into your lunch special options, wait, you may see about 6-8 “different” chicken options but in all reality its probably about 2 real choices. The rest of them are the same two just with different vegetable decorations and a sprinkle of sauce variance. Don’t believe me? Go pick up the closest menu and tell me what you see. Chicken with broccoli, chicken in garlic sauce, chicken in black bean sauce, schezuan chicken, chicken in curry sauce, chicken with eggplant and so on and so forth. The most deceiving part is the fact that they change the prices for these remixed chicken dishes; truly unfair to the consumer.

Its all the same thing! Listen, take my advice and mix it up. I caught onto this trickery by ordering what I thought to be two completely different exquisite meals yet little did I know it was just like the other one but with water chestnuts. PMO! (Pissed Me Off)

Listen here local China man, stop fooling people, this “diverse menu” trickery has to come to an end. We are onto you, everything is all the same with different veggies…the jig is up!

ENJOY the Holdiay weekend, I will be having an Usain Bolt party for sure. Oh, and before i go, effnbc!

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American Gladiators Random

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (FINALE)

February 18, 2008 – 5:30 pm

Sad to say,

The season finale was a COMPLETE disappointment. As in, I almost didn’t even post this (hence the time of its delivery). This almost did NOT happen. Somehow they managed to kidnap a measly handful of chuckles from me. (I wasn’t looking and they just took ‘em, wild?!) If you missed the last installment of this mildly clever comical corn-fest then this is ALL you need to know:

1) Apparently Hulk Hogan STILL thinks he is as cool as he used to be. (He is not.) After Monica takes a loss in the first event he felt the need to say, “Monica-Mania was NOT running wild up there”. Just because you are Hulk Hogan does NOT give you the right to add ‘Mania’ to everything and think people will let it slide.

Imagine if I tried to pull this one. “Musin-Mania is running wild on AH today.” …(ducks oncoming stones).

2) After both of the ladies scored naught in the first round commentator 1 said (doesn’t it suck that we don’t know anything about who they are?) , ” Bagels on the board for these two finalists after the first round.” IDK why, but I thought it was fair, I even used it later on that night.

3) Wolf chimed in with more questionable statements like, “You ever heard the story rock-a-bye baby on the tree top? Well I’m going to be your cradle and we’re going to fall.” Wolf needs to be shot.

4) Mayhem (Old Lesbo) finally got his/her first line…and it was terrible! After holding his own in some dumb event he said, “Now Wut! I’m King Tut!” Fu*k you Mayhem. Worst Gladiator of ALL time.

Yea…that was all i could grab. I told you I didn’t enjoy it, take the small chuckles and be grateful.

Oh yea! Congrats to Evan & Monica for taking the 100K, but who really cares?

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American Gladiators

Who Writes for the new American Gladiators? (Part 7)

February 13, 2008 – 2:18 pm

It’s that time again. Actually, we’re late this week, but A. Musin had to save some owls and M. Randy was fighting a grizzly bear (more on this some other time). But have no fear, if you missed American Gladiators on Monday…eh hem, Whit, Musin…here’s all you need to know.

1. I’ve noted that most of the corn comes from using the contenders (still hate this word with a passion) occupations as “witty banter.” So, I knew I was in for it when getting ready for the first event, Hit and Run, they announced it was a battle between the preacher (Andy)  vs. the teacher (Alex).  It didn’t help that Alex said, “We have the preacher over here. After this round, I might need to confess some sins because I’m going to beat him down bad.”  No need to confess your sins sir, with lines like this you are an excellent candidate for the fiery pits of hell.

 2. So now, the competition gets going, and as Andy (the preacher) gets tossed into the water (of course there’s water), the announcer says, “A different kind of baptism for this preacher man.” Ohhhhhh noooooo. I’m pretty sure they’ve used this line already. They tested it out weeks ago. Watched the footage and felt it worked. PMO

3.  (This one is for you Musin.) After Justice knocks Alex into the water (of course) in Hit and Run, he says, “HAMMER TIME.” And then does a hammer motion. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, are you kidding me?

4. During hang tough, the announcer says, “The jumbo jet of Justice is about to take off.”

5. At this point in the show, I was getting a little worried. There were a few comments, but not as many as I was used to. I started wondering if somehow the good folks at NBC got wind of AH and started working on their material. However, when the announcer said during the women’s hang tough, “Venom has Venus in her snare. The snare, the glare, Venus gets tossed out the air,” I knew I was wrong.

6.  Later, as Venus gets ready to climb the wall, Laila Ali reminds her how she was getting whooped by Monica with the whole points thing. Venus replies, ” I’m going to keep ticking. Tick tock. Bring on that rock.” YARR…Come again?

7. So, I know he was talking about the gladiator Crush, but why the announcer chose to say, “The royal crush,” as he announced her, I have no idea. What sir? Cards? Crush, flush, cards? Is that the best you can do. Is it? I would really like to know.

Congratulations to Monica for not only winning, but for also not pulling a Bill Cosby like embarrassment with the corn. Oh, yeah and to Alex also. (The competition is actually getting good?)

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American Gladiators

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (PART 6)?

February 5, 2008 – 3:06 pm

I’m going to go ahead and directly blame the rapidly intensifying competition for the lack of funny on this weeks episode.

If you didn’t get a chance to catch it, you really didn’t miss much. I truly am not that big of a fan of who wins or loses, I just watch it for the funny, and they let me down last night, big time. However, as few as they may be, they still left us with these solid gems:

1) Commentator had to have slipped and said, ” lose your grip and take a dip”.

2) Contestant, worrisome about losing his grip (and taking a slip? :x ) and falling off the wall into water (no need for water, sponge would’ve been sufficein) foolishly utters, ” I heard Evan is like Spider Man and I just don’t wanna end up like Aqua Man…if you know what I mean.” Applesauce, pure friggin’ applesauce I say.

3) I’ve always been a bit concerned this Wolf Gladiator, the things he decides to say…very disturbing for one man to say to another. Like this, ” This time you gotta come to me and I’m gunna come through you”. That doesn’t sound a lil’ fishy to say to a man WOLF?

4) Contestant gets knocked off the Joust (into MORE water) in a record breaking 8 seconds. Hulk then says, “If you were riding a bull it would be a great ride”. Alright, sure, but was he? Was there a bull anywhere near? Was it not American Gladiators? I just couldn’t understand why Hogan felt the need to even bring that up. PMO.

Not as much hogwash as we were used to but hopefully next week they will make up for it.

I sure do miss the classic early season lines…they definitely made it super cheesy (and absohilare) in the beginning only to get us to tune in long enough to be there until the end, of this i am certain.

::::crosses fingers in hopes of better material next week::::

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