Category Archives: American Gladiators

American Gladiators

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (PART 5)?

January 29, 2008 – 11:06 am

So,

I was scared watching American Gladiators this time around. Why? Why was i scared? NOT for the fact that for the FIFTH Monday in a row I’ve tuned in to watch these people make an ass of them self and listen to the commentators say better bullsh*t than the week before, BUT instead i was scared because i was actually paying attention to the competition, developing a favorite, and then…then…cheering for said favorite?

Crazy right…Ah well, sad to say if you missed this weeks episode you missed something KEY to the competitive aspect of the show but i was a bit disappointed by the work on the writers behalf. BUT no fear, they did leave us with a few classics as always and we at AH (Absohilare) never skip a beat on those. In no specific order:

1) As Tony takes a serious hit while trying to make her way through the Gauntlet the commentator spewed, ” Tony was taken to the School of Hard Knocks…and the subject was POWERBALL.” Oh Gimme a Break!

2) “Cracking the back of the chiropractor.” Could’ve done without.

3) “Sound the alarm because we’re never tiring of siren.” Never what?! Tiring? PMO!

4) I’ve just about had enough of this Wolf guy and his constant howling. He also needs to realize he is a man (NOT an actual wolf), and to hint to another man, “I missed my first meal, and i don’t miss two in a row” is not cool, at all.

5) Now truly Hellga does not scare me, at all. She looks A LOT like (Please Click) Little Debbie after consuming too much of her own product. Am I Lying?

6a) One thing that had me rolling was watching the WORST performance in the Eliminator ever. I don’t know if anyone else watching realized this but Kim took SOO LONG to make her way through the eliminator they TURNED THE TRAVELLATOR OFF!! (as in when she got to the Travellator, all she had to do was grab the rope and WALK up!

6b) So now after a less than SHAMEFUL showing she did the “Amp the crowd up” move that people/teams who did/are on the verge of doing something spectacular use. *Waves hands up and down from waist to above head* while saying, ” thanks guys! I tried!”. No FOOL! You can’t use that move with that line! You sucked!

All in all a fair episode and with Semi-Finals next week I’m looking for the writers to say some of the madness of old.

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American Gladiators

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (PART 4)?

January 22, 2008 – 10:07 am

As sure as the night is dark, American Gladiators is sure to provide PLENTY FUNNY!!

I guess in efforts of keeping up with these historically ridiculous trite lines they kicked it up a notch in this episode. It’s safe to say that we have stumbled upon one of the most comical series of all time. I would like to spend just ONE day with these writers to see what they are saying after they write these lines. Do they say, “this is great they will absolutely love it?” Once again folks, if you missed it, this is ALL you need to know.

1) There was an Asian contender by the name of “Son“. That provided a steady chuckle every time he was on.

2) Now while Son (tehehehe) was struggling to get through the Gauntlet the commentator felt the need to add, “Now it’s Toa the Samoan asking Son where he’s goin’!” PMO!

3) While in the same Gauntlet challenge the commentator also let loose with, “Mayhem (who we strongly believe is an Old Lesbian) is looking to throw a BLOCK party.”

4) Wolf (who usually howls) decided to say to a contestant, “I’m thirsty and your blood is going to be dripping from my fangs.” Take it easy bruiser, it’s only American Gladiators.

5) Following said event Hogan went on to say, “I guess i was a full moon and the wolf was out for blood.” Was he? Was he really Hulk?

6) There had to be a Hulk/Wolf competition going on because Wolf then went on to say, “There has been a full moon since the day i was born, every time i see red (in reference to the contenders outfit) I’m going after you like little red riding hood.” I was pissed (seriously) after i heard that sh*t.

7) Poor Venus after being eliminated said, “I tried to shake and bake but it wasn’t enough…not enough SHAKING i guess.” WHAAAAT?!?!? SO did you over-bake? Like, I can’t with this foolishness, and i won’t.

8 ) After Toni ends up in the water (because at least 85% of American Gladiator events are held over water for whatever reason) she says, “I’ve been in the water so many times I’m starting to get sick.” Hogan follows with, “You need to step up and grow some GILLS.” Hogan, she is a contender on American Gladiators…not a fish. No gills coming anytime soon.

Also I’ve come to realize i completely despise the phrase, ” Now that’s what I’m talking about” after a good showing. I just don’t get it, what exactly ARE you talking about? In fact, you didn’t do any talking at all. So you weren’t talking about anything. Liars.

Nothing better to watch on a Monday night at 8 o’clock. See you folks next week for the continuation of this comical American Gladiators series.

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American Gladiators

Who Writes for the New American Gladiators (Part 3)?

January 15, 2008 – 2:39 am

I was a tad disappointed with this episode of American Gladiators. It just didn’t have enough “fang tough” or “welcome to the gun show.” However, without fail, they still provided enough lines to make me scream WTF?@%#^ at least 3 times. And here they are if you missed it:

Let’s meet our first contender (I don’t like this word): Minister Andy. After the original contender (Nope, still doesn’t work for me) was injured by Mayhem in the first game, Minister Andy replaced him. (Ok, so this is the second injured contestant in 4 episodes. Maybe they’re a little rough, no? I mean, if you break someone’s ankle in 10 seconds, maybe you should avoid humans. Also, does anyone else realize that Mayhem looks like an old lesbian. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) No, no? Was I the only one that noticed that. Alright, alright, I’m heading back to the topic…now.)

In his interview tape, Minister Andy- who is pretty built (was that wack?)- informs us that his friends make fun of his work out habits and calls him the following names:

  • The preacher of pain
  • The reverend of rip

Ohhhhh noooo! Keeping that to himself would’ve been ok. I didn’t need to know. Did you? I have no idea how this next line came about, but Andy adds, “I’m all about the Hebrew Hammer.” The contender (Suggestions for another word please) he replaces is seen later wearing a Hebrew Hammer shirt. (Is he the Hebrew Hammer? Who is the Hebrew Hammer?)

(UPDATE: It’s just come to my attention – I googled it – that the Hebrew Hammer is a movie about a Jewish superhero. Hmmmm)

Hogan, who REFUSES to by outdone, says to Minister Andy before the Joust:

  • “Looking to baptize you is the awesome Titan.” Hmm..REALLY?

Then Hogan rambles off this little number after Sharaud defeats Titan:

  • “You are the man of the hour. You are the man with the power. YOU’RE THE MAN TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR.”

And that folks is where I go to sleep.

Whitney, did you catch anything? I have a couple more, but I have to sleep that one off.

Mayhem, old lesbian?

mayhem_0211.jpg

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American Gladiators Couldn't Make This Up Random

WHO WRITES FOR THE NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS (Part 2)?

January 8, 2008 – 9:25 am

After Sunday nights comedic commentative catastrophe it was only right for me to tune in to see part two of the season opening episode of American Gladiators. I tuned in with hopes that the first nights corn-fest was just a shameless ploy to get our attention and have us come back to watch (what i thought would be) a night of better written content.

Have you ever been wrong about something before? Well i have, and the previous thought ranks high on the “boy was i wrong about that” list. Don’t worry, if you missed it, here is ALL that you need to know:

  1. They put THE most country boy on this show. “I do radiation control, i get to play with nuclear waste.” [ that's hot? ]
  2. The same man also said, ” I love my wife dearly, she is all i know. Ive never even held hands with another girl in my life.” [ WHAT?! ]
  3. Commentator says, ” Toa sent Adonis on a downtown train to waterville.” [ abso ridic ]
  4. They actually used, “welcome to the gun show” to introduce a Gladiator…and they were serious.
  5. Country boy said, ” he was a little bit slippery you know, but its just like HOG WRESTLING at the fair, i took care of him.”
  6. Commentator says, ” Wolf is ready to FANG tough.” [ OHH NOOO!! ]
  7. Hulk Hogan actually said ” You had more moves up there than a bowl of jello .” [ WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THIS? ]

I mean, there was a lot more said but i just CAN’T with these people, are they serious? Are they?

P.s. Congrats to my boy Adonis on a good showing last night.

If you missed it on Sunday…Here’s giving him the business. (Thanks for the link Chris)

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American Gladiators Couldn't Make This Up Random

Who Writes for the New American Gladiators?

January 6, 2008 – 11:06 pm

I’m talking to A. Musin tonight and he reminds me that the new American Gladiators is coming on. So, I sit down like f*$k-ass yeah. Who doesn’t remember watching American Gladiators? This is going to be great, right? HELL NO! What was supposed to be a night of assault, the wall, the eliminator and some other shat, turned out to be…well, I’m not sure exactly what it was.

If you missed it, here is everything you need to know.

1. They have the worst writers ever. Who writes stuff like:

  • Chad scores his first two points and becomes the meat in a gladiator sandwich.
  • Koya the destroya
  • Are you ready to shake and bake up there?
  • The sun, the moon, the stars and venus were definitely aligned. (Venus was the competitor’s name)
  • He’s no stranger to H2O. (Humans are generally familiar, no?)
  • Cruising for a bruising.

2. Laila Ali’s voice is very harsh on the ears and it’s necessary to turn the T.V. down whenever she speaks.

3. Gladiator games need water. Seriously, every event was played over water. What the font? What exactly is wrong with the floor?

4. Wolves can be gladiators too. And howling is an appropriate way to communicate. You can also be a gladiator even if you don’t know the rules of the game.

5. It’s perfectly acceptable to name an infraction, “Giving him the business.”

So yeah, lots of foolishness (But I will tune in next week).

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