Category Archives: Couldn’t Make This Up

About us Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny The Haps

Musin makes it to Barack’s Inauguration

January 22, 2009 – 4:18 pm

HUGE day for the world! Big for America yes, but the impact this man has surely transcends globally. I am beyond excited to be able to say that “I was there” for Barack’s Big Day.

I’ll spare you all the details of the gruesome commute. Just know this; never get on a bus filled with MP3 blasting teenagers at 2am going from NY to DC on Barack Obama’s Inauguration day. Got it? Good.

(*fast forwards to the good part.)

… and I had to take a wicked leak! Too bad everywhere was closed — aside from the nearby homeless shelter. Am I homeless? No. Will I use their facilities to relieve my bladder, yes! So I wait in line while my sister waits outside for my return.

I must let you all know that with the ice cold temperatures I HAD to resort to desperate measures. By this I mean I took 4 sheets of bounty and stuffed each of my sneakers as a form of insulation. You would be surprised at how pleased I was with the results. So with my hot hands (great product) and stuffed shoes I rejoined the trek, but where was everyone else? Uhh, gone!

At this point it’s just me myself and I amidst the millions of civilians vying for prime positioning to enter the event. Phones weren’t working well and I had no ticket so at this point I was just being completely non-productive, losing. While wandering I stumbled upon a LARGE CROWD of folks in what was supposed to be a line. A line to what? Who knows, I wasn’t in a rush so eff it. I joined said line and threw on the headphones and churned out some optimism from out of nowhere. I then feel this sea of people begin to move towards what seems to be an entrance to the National Mall.

An official then took the megaphone and announced (in the most angelic voice), “Only Purple ticket holders are being admitted through this gate, ONLY PURPLE TICKET holders, you will be turned back without a purple ticket.” Shit, didn’t matter to me, I had NO ticket so I had nothing to lose anyways. I roughed it out in line while being subjected to inadvertent verbal abuse. Comments like, “We all have purple tickets, let us in! What dumb ass would stand in this long ling without a ticket?!”

:/…*Raises hand. Dumb ass present.

At this point I was WAY too close to throw in the towel. So I bundled up and tossed all my hopes in a bucket. This bucket carried me to the front of the line to meet a squadron of officers. Shit! It was at this point I ducked a little and cut to the middle of the crowd amongst the mass of people fervently waiving their purple tickets in the air to gain admission. I acted as if I was freezing and kept my hands together and stayed low only to make it though the ticket check, I was free! Everyone else in front of me jumped for joy when they gained access so eff it, I faked the funk and did the same. Hands in the air, jumping and all…this in efforts of getting away from the cops as FAST as possible. After getting inside I stumbled upon stranded purple ticket and pocketed it just in case. Talk about fake it ‘til you make it. That’s how it all happened, and the rest, was history (major pun).

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Image Courtesy of Steven Clarke

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About us Couldn't Make This Up Random

Happy Anniversary!

January 5, 2009 – 2:33 pm

…as of last December (21st to be exact). It has been an excellent run, and we will continue to push forward. I was looking back (*cue violins please Clev) at old posts from the first month (*learns Clev is an awful violinist) when we used to reel off new material DAILY (*takes tissue to wipe tear from Itty) . The first thing that came to mind was, what the HELL did we do aside from blog!? I don’t remember, but it couldn’t have been that much else. In any event, this serves as an official thank you to all the folks from the mainland to across the seas who took time to read our stuff, Cheers! Long Live AH!

In other news: It was a very rough 4th quarter, leaving me with little to no free time for the better things in life; i.e. AbsoHilare.com. Lucky for me, it seems as if things have calmed down, thus freeing up more space in my mind to think of random things hilare in nature. 

Not many chuckles over here today, very drab Monday in the office…WAIT! I take that back, I did see some some wild shit on my way in this morning, nothing big though. 

I’m on the 7 train, and it is packed (as always) and everyone is basically throwing themself into the person infront of them to try to get to work on time. It’s always disasterous. So after the door closes I find myself entirely too close to this other person on the train, wearing the most festive hat. In wondering who designed this awful piece, i take a closer look. It is then and there i became very confused. In a dream world I would have tapped this man on his shoulder and said, “Sir, it isn’t that cold this morning, nor will it EVER be cold enough for you to leave your house, as the grown man you are, wearing a Baby Phat hat, jackass.” I just couldn’t believe it, this grown effin man wearing Baby Phat to work, it is for WOMEN! Assclown. 

Also, (blatantly continuing my rant for no reason) it has been quite some time since I forgot my cell phone at home. Today I learned the hard way that it just is not the way to go. I mean, I am doing pretty well without it, I think. My main problem is the fact that I continually make myself look like an arse. How? Oh, easy. When you are walking around the office and you (continually) slap your hip in hopes of retrieving your phone from it’s case, only for your hand to meet with the leather of your belt time and time again. It only makes it worse. Just be good to yourself and don’t forget your phone. Thanks. 

Happy New Year? Yes!

Happy AH Day?! hmm, any takers? 

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Couldn't Make This Up

Identical Twins of the Evil (and Naked) Variety

November 26, 2008 – 1:13 pm

Sooo… Hi.  I’m new to the roster of the fabulous AH authors.  Annnnd, I’m not gonna lie, I feel pretty privileged to be here.   It’s not every day you get an invite like that.  You treasure those days… You remember them warmly in your heart and can only hope you’ll stumble upon another… Whoa.  WAIT.  Sorry, I don’t know what happened. 

I’m guessing you’re wondering what the title of this post could lead to.  Well, while it’s amusing to tell and see people’s reactions, it wasn’t so much what I would call “fun” when it happened.  It was a blustery fall morning (lie, I don’t know what the weather was like that day) and my friend popped up on Gmail and straight out the gate says, “Have you ever posed nude for pictures?” 

Wh-wh-whaaaaat? 

No. 

I answer with a firm, all-caps NO.  But then (THEN!) he tries to just leave it at that and change the subject.  Sorry, bud, not getting away that easy.  I inquire as to why he would ask such a question and he proceeds to tell me that him and some buddies were perusing some p0rn sites that weekend and had stumbled across a picture of me.

OK.  WAIT.

Excuse me?  I do not pose in such ways, my friend.  You MUST be mistaken.  Finally, he’s like, “Alright, but it looks JUST like you.”  (A. Who does that?  Ha!  Got a funny joke!  Found naked pictures of you online!! SIKE!!!!  B.  Not cool, man.  NOT.  COOL.)  And you know when people say that you’re like, “Sure, sure… whatev.”  I mean, I was once told that I looked JUST like Jennifer Aniston (and I didn’t have a stitch of makeup on and I had just come from a sauna so I was all greasy.)  In no way, shape, or form do I resemble Miss Aniston.  I mean, really.  Not at all.

I immediately call up my friend, who’s husband was with the guy who saw the picture (who ate the cat, that ate the rat, that ate the fly… You guys remember that book?  No?  Nothing?  Okaaaay… NEVERMIND.)  I blurt out this current development on my one-way (yet unknown) track to a life of p0rn which would eventually lead to a life of me being addicted to coke before I moved onto other drugs and then eventually I would be all Courtney Love in “The People VS. Larry Flint” and NO!  I WILL NOT GO OUT THIS WAY!!!  I’m practically holding back tears.  Her response?  To start laughing.  Hard.  I do not think this is funny.  After she calms herself down she sends me the picture and says, “Now, before you open it, I’m not going to lie.  I REALLY had to look at it to make sure it wasn’t you.  But then I saw the date when the picture was taken and you would have JUST had your daughter and well, you know.”  (Translation:  Weeks after giving birth you still looked a bit of a fat ass and well, in no way could qualify for p0rn.)

I open the email.

OH. MY. HEAVENS.

It’s me.

In my head, I’m frantically trying to remember if on one of my more of my poor unfortunate nights I had gotten drunk and made a (TERRIBLY!)  (HORRIBLY!) bad decision as I’m sometimes wont to do under the influence of alcohol.  I even consider the possibility that I had been roofied and had somehow been convinced that this would be a good idea.  No way.  I may have a stiff drink every now and then but never am I THAT out of control… Or AM I?

I study the picture.  I zoom in and out… I consider photoshop… I consider everything.  And then I see she has a small bump on her nose and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief.  It’s not me.  BUT HOLY SHIT.  It is my twin.  It is my effing evil identical twin who has chosen a life of p0rn.  Way to keep up the family name, sis. 

There is no other explanation.  Well, we could always go with the sci-fi cloning route but that would take me days to come up with legitimate reasons as to why that was the answer so we’re going with evil twin.  Of the naked variety.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up

Protected by Viper, Stand back?

November 21, 2008 – 11:09 am

Alarms, a solid way to protect your home for burglary/theft. Not at home? No problem, fire up the good old alarm, put on the code and your off to tackle the day.

Now, I’ve used an alarm or two in my day but NEVER in my life have I ever heard an alarm this fidiculous (fuckin ridiculous, use it if you want, its cool). Safe to say I get off the train at one of the safest neighborhoods in Queens, with some nice sized homes. Apparently the well-off owner of this home was a damn fool, don’t believe me? Read on.

So I see the little (useless) neighborhood patrol car (armed and ready with the latest flashlight and nextel) outside of this home  flashing his yellow lights. As I walk closer to scene of this potential break in I happen to hear the warning message some jackass programmed to go off when someone breaks into their home! The robotic voiced monotonous message went as follows:

“You have illegally entered a home protected by a security system; so…Run for it! Run for it! Run for it! It said that shit about a dozen times! The effed up part about it is if I was the thief (not that this would ever be the case, ever) I would clearly be caught red handed, on the floor even, in tears–from laughter! I could’nt escape with shit hearing an alarm system telling me to “run for it”. Home owner, you win! Happy Friday & Long live AH!

*Ultra Important Announcement: (*cue drom roll……) We have a new member of the AH team, W. Itty! She will join forces along with myself, V. Clev & M. Randy in ensuring that hilarity lives on. To W. Itty, Cheers! 

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 10: “Get Your Ass Off the Train Old Lady!”

July 11, 2008 – 10:02 am

TEN! We are at the 10th installment of this entertaining Subway Chronicle series. This is a very proud moment for me, I would like to thank Clev, Randy –oh eff it, I will save the dramatics, just know that I’m happy to still be writing and even happier your all are still reading. Thanks to the readers from all over the world (truly) who take time to read AH, much appreciated.

Now, I know I haven’t posted one of these in a while but I didn’t want to mess a good thing up and just post for the sake of posting. So I waited, and waited, and today my eyes landed on this comedic GEM; only fitting for the 10th installment of the Subway Chronicles.

So here I am heading home with head held high after a very productive day. I’m firing away at brickbreaker trying to beat my high score (10550, ha!) while leaning against the train door (I didn’t mean to rhyme, i swear.) Very packed train, folks are filing out little by little stop by stop. Now for the folks that don’t know, 71st and Continental is a very popular stop on the F train, apparently this innocent sweet-heart of an old lady wasn’t fortunate enough to have stumbled upon this post a day earlier.

At this stop a drove of people scurry to exit the train (even forcing me to put my brickbreaker attempts on hold, pmo.) This causes some serious hustle and bustle that the old lady in the back of the line just seemed to NOT realize. “Granny Loss” (as she will be referred to) was the last one to exit the train with both hands filled with the most up to date goodies from the supermarket.

She CAREFULLY peeked out to check the gap between the train car and the platform and JUST LIKE that WHOOOSH! The doors came closing RIGHT on Granny Loss’ shoulders with her head sticking out the other side of the train! At first I could not believe, then, i just could NOT stop laughing, I could NOT contain my chuckle, I couldn’t. Bags fell to the floor and all! I wish you have my view, as I was standing by said door I could see the the part of her that was still on board, and the other half STUCK outside. She was fine though, luckily. I thought she was a goner. (jk! Maybe, perhaps…mayhaps)

When I finally took a seat, I was still laughing while doing the standard peer around the train to see who else was grinning. Bad idea, caught eyes with another female citizen and it was like Medusa with grey hair! I was petrified. RIGHT BACK to brickbreaker, never looked up again until it was my stop. *Phew.

P.S. (Random but funny) One lady comes over to another at my place of employment and says:

Lady 1: Nice wallpaper, but what’s up with the chickens?

Chicken Lady: Oh, i just like them, my family has a farm so we have a whole bunch of chickens back home.

Lady 2: Ohh, I see, I always wondered…

Chicken Lady: Yupp, why? do you think it’s weird?

Lady 1: Oh no, I’m used to that stuff, I had two cocks back home. (*walks off…)

***PAUSE***

EXCUSE ME LADY? Please, Just please clear up those statements before you issue them publicly. THANKS!

(Clev and Randy you are a good set of folks, plenty thanks. Long Live AH!)

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