Witty banter about any kind of clothing possible–ever.
Background: It was Easter Sunday. The end.
Oh come on! Don’t be surprised, you already know you don’t need any more background information than that. The world knows that Easter Sunday is when you can expect to see the most efforts in fanciness that your mind can fathom. This happens because this is when the folks that never come to church decide to show up for the “holiday-blessings”. I’m certain you are familiar with their kind; the people that show up on Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Years if they feel like it. The New Year effort is to attempt to start of the year fresh; sin-free even. The reason these people look so foolish at the service is because of one of the two following things:
1) They do not own many suits or clothing acceptable for the house of Baby Jesus.
2) They own plenty suits, unfortunately all from their disco days. (Note: this options yields the most hilarity)
Now I can’t honestly say I have the slightest clue where this man found his inspiration to throw together this ensemble but without further adieu I present to you one of the most fancy failures in Easter Sunday History:
"oh you fancy huh? tie done. tie done. everything did."
THIS SHIT IS WILD! What do you think he was thinking? How does one adequately define the expression on this man’s face? The best I could come up with is comfortably awkward.
I now leave the floor open for captions for this man’s outfit. I had a ton of them attack the forefront of my mind all at once.
“I didn’t know which one to wear so I wore both.”
“I didn’t know which one I liked more; it was a tie.”
“Close knotted race, on my chest area.”
“You like this? Knot me.”
Alright I’m going to stop here. Take it away.
p.s. A friend of mine took this pic and I seriously have no idea how it came out this clear. I would’ve been laughing so hard the image clarity would have been poor at best.
Long Live AH!
Alright, I promised myself I wouldn’t do one of these things but a certain someone who shall remain anonymous [W. Itty!] begged and pleaded until well…I crumbled. So, without further adeu, 25 things you’d never know about A. Musin.
1) Irony: I have a blog but have a hard time volunteering information about myself. Weird? This was easily one of the most difficult posts for me to compose.
2) I didn’t learn how to use a microwave until a very late age.
3) No one wanted to help me so I tried it myself. This effort of putting a meal in for 60 seconds ended up in me pressing “60:00″, START! Microwave meal fail. Fire.
4) I don’t like video games, but I will kick your ass in Fifa 09. Just the way it is man, such is life.
5) If AbsoHilare never makes a penny, I’ll still be happy with our comedic contribution to the world. *Wipes sap off hands and keyboard.
6) Clearly I’d love to be rake in the bucks writing ish like this – duh!
7) When I was in prep. school I thought I was the best football (soccer in the states) player. Meh, now that I look back…I was alright.
8 ) I just heard someone ask another passenger on the train “is this the F train?” The other lady (with a baby in stroller) said, “I have no idea.” Uhh, I won’t even touch that one. Both bon foolios.
9) I’m surprised I made it to 9, now I actually think I may be able to get through this. *drinks confidence shake. (Yes, they do make those.)
10) Coming into this I knew deep inside I wouldn’t be able to compete with W. Itty’s 25 things, so far I think my projections were accurate. She’s just done far too much random shite. She still owns her Diary!
11) I once went to an excellent party in the city. I then went on the train and took it from the first stop to last stop and then back to the first stop. DON’T ask!
12) On the same night after the party we went to one of the weigh your plates deli’s in the city and I was starving! It wasn’t until I got to the register and saw my total of $16.80 cents did I realize how much food I hoarded.
[This is the official half way mark. *Intermission. In Jamaica, at the movies, we have an intermission at the half way mark. I kinda miss that portion of the movie going experience. This is a clearly a bonus point.]
13) I seriously had food for about 3 days from this one plate (in #12). No joke. I could NOT finish it!
14) When I got to college I made a new screen name to keep up with the times. So with that said, I got rid of trusty “GShock3000″ and brought in the flashy & uber creative “Jamaicansju”. Yea, Screen name FAIL! Try saying it out loud. It sounds like Jamaican’s Jew. That’s not who I am.
15) I’m now stuck with it just because everyone has it. Don’t judge me, or my screen name.
16) Growing up I was always the youngest one of the group. So, I’d always try to do the cool shit my older compadres (SAP) would do.
17) We all went swimming @ my neighbors house. Big pool, diving board, slip and slide, people doing flips off the roof. Competitive engine was roaring and I was NOT going to be done by these able swimmers. Oh small tid-bit, I didn’t know how to swim yet…
18) So after I saw my friend Matthew do a front flip off the roof I made an announcement that it was my turn to do my stunt dive. All eyes on Young Musin, the floor was mine (lol). I took off with a burst of speed, jumped for the skies, did a wicked 360 Indy ONLY to land my chin directly on the pool deck. (Told you the floor was mine). Yea, I didn’t know what happened until I got up to celebrate and wiped red, yellow & white liquids from my chin. Note: Do not try to do stunt dives in the shallow end.
19) I learned how to swim accidentally when I almost drowned in a Jacuzzi in Ocho Rios, JA. After that, I swam my ass of (in said jacuzzi). I was the happiest kid ever. Don’t judge!
20) On my first day of 8th grade after moving to NY from Jamaica, this fat girl in a tight RED shirt made fun of my accent in HOMEROOM. Bright and early. I then told her (in front of the class) that she looked like the wife of the Kool-Aid man. I was then deemed cool and accepted by all.
21) I’ve listened to a Dido song here and there…
22) OK I lied. I have all of Dido’s albums! I don’t know exactly why but it puts me in a good place. This all started when I used to be up all night in college pushing out papers (that may or may not have already been late).
23) I once had this bullshit 8am class called Discover New York. Dumbest class ever. Long story short I was absent 11 times for two reasons. 1) It was too early. 2) It was Discover New York. Get this, I got a B+ Teachers loved me.
24) On vacation I once partied many (long) nights in a row and ended up missing sunlight one day. Yup, fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the sun was down on the next day. Very vampire-esque – I know.
25) I enjoy telling corny yet crafty pun based jokes. Some may know this, some don’t. My affinity for said comedy is somewhat of an Unsolved Mystery, eerie theme music and all. (Yea, too bad I found that funny, wish me luck!)
There it is! Didn’t think I’d be able to do it but I pulled it off. Hallelujah!
Clev, you’re up next week! Go Team!
Long Live AH!
Yup, one of the better weathered days in NYC today. The sun is now peeking out, things around the office have [somewhat] subsided, I’ve got some new good music to listen to and more importantly, I’ve still got my…Beard. Yes sir, still have the good old cheek fuzz poking out the epidermis. It’s a good day, no complaints here. I must say though, being a new (& proud) member of the Beard family…I wish someone would have told me all the great things that come with having a Beard of your own (As if you could borrow someones Beard, Musin? Foolio)
Things change when you have a Beard and guess what, being the kind Musin I am I’ve prepared my list of ten [10] things that happen once you possess fur like hair of the face.
1) No more Umbrella. Yup, it’s true. It’s been raining for the past 5 or so days here in NY and if it weren’t for the weatherman, I would’ve had no clue. Plus, you have a Beard now, you can’t just go walking around with an umbrella–pansy. Tough it out. Beard > rain.
2) Now that the Beard is in full effect, there is no need to say “you’re welcome” anymore. It’s true, someone says thank you for a kind duty you have performed, just nod your head and keep it moving. Never let your guard down for that “you’re welcome” weakness, the Beard never lies.
3) In the same light, plenty things no longer even warrant a full verbal response. With this new Beard, comes a new grunt. [Note: I am not sure at all what exactly a grunt is/how it's done/when to do it...but I will grunt] So if you ask me something and you get a grunt with a steely eyed stare, consider it as your response and govern yourself accordingly, punk. [Yup, Beard also does give you massive amounts of tough guy appeal. Bar fight, anyone?]
4) Now all of a sudden these vests/thin coats don’t feel so much like me. I think now that I am the owner of this new Beard I may have to invest in a denim jacket of sorts, or even some flannel print overcoat. Yup, the life of a Bearded man. Please do your best to contain the envy, bald face.
5) Meh, I’ll also be passing on the veggies/salad, maybe even rice too. A lot more hearty meals from now own; that’s what a Bearded man must consume. Steak, whole chickens, Slabs of ribs, those are the kinda meals we look forward to at any point of the day. Yes, with Beard you can now consume said items for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Fact - Beard never lies.
6) Clearly those meals (especially the ribs) have a tendency to get a bit messy, gravy and whatnot. Napkin? Fuck no, only the back of my hand will now be suitable to clean such mess. It’s the only way to go, you can’t be caught sporting a rich Beard and pampering your face with Kleenex Ultra Soft tissue. Wussy.
7) I don’t feel as if I should be up to date with modern technology. I have a Beard now; no need to update Twitter, right? In fact, out with the Blackberry also. Pass me a Bic pen, some loose leaf paper (couldn’t be caught dead with a notebook, not with Beard) and a Nextel i1000. I’d even opt for a CB radio on the side, it’s what happens man…it’s what happens. [Yes, I do realize that would mean no more updating AH, but clearly this is all fun & jokes…moving along! )
8 ) I will now need a new nickname to go by, something very Beard-esque. I was thinking Bruiser, Hank, Boss, one of those. The choice is yours people. I’m the one with the Beard so whatever you pick, I can’t lose.
9) Out with the VW Jetta, in with the old-school pickup truck (or motorcycle). Diesel only. Oh, I could never stop in New Jersey for gas because I would definitely get into a fist fight with the punk who tries to pump my gas for me. Rude. I have a Beard, I pump my own gas.
10) Clearly even the most bearded of folks have a soft side, so I will be purchasing a pet. Yup, you guessed it, a grizzly bear. So what if they could maul you? Pet must be as bad as owner, grizzly = necessary.
*Bonus: By growing your Beard it automatically makes you half as bad a Chuck Norris. Can’t be equally bad, truth is…no one is as bad as Chuck Norris. He can kill two stones with one bird, you know.
Grow your Beard, follow the above and enjoy your life.
Musin, OUT!
Here i am minding my own business on a Queens bound F train when at the Parsons stop confidently enters a man of Indian descent who apparently hasn’t been shopping since circa 2002.
This psycho (he had to be insane, not asking any questions) was wearing a tan FLIGHT JACKET (couldn’t tell the last time I’ve seen one of those) , a pair of jeans that looked like one big fuck up of denim patches, and then what HAD to be some clearance Nike womens walkers.
The funny part is, that’s not even what landed this man a feature spot in the Subway Chronicle Series ! In fact, it was the dark M he was wearing above his nose. Not only did this man have ONE SOLID super-unibrow, but he took the time to shape the shit up!! The solo-brow was half way down his nose bridge and could easily have extended to his ear lobe. This was a SERIOUS bush-like patch folks. I’m positive that this woolly-brow HAD to impair his vision. Of this i am certain.
I’m going to have to start trying some paparazzi moves and sneaking pics of these people so you can go through what i have to go through. Painful sight.
Also, if you realized i tagged this post under three categories. Couldn’t Make This Up, Subway Chronicles, and especially Garb as i feel that his feathery facial feature highly qualifies as an article of clothing.
So I’m on my break here at work in the lunch room lazing around a bit, watching some tv and enjoying the fact that the weekend is here. 1) I can relax. 2) American Gladiators is only 3 days away!
As i decide to head back upstairs and finish up what i have to do i became a witness to the MOST startling sight known to man. Now as we all know i have seen Dress Down Fridays go wrong before but this…this takes the cake.
So this man appears almost of nowhere looking like a mix between Fonzie from Happy Days and John Travolta in Grease. I lie to you NOT! This man had the heart of a lion , he had to, he was wearing a burgundy crushed velvet shirt!! I swore it was a walking SOFA!! As he came down the steps i EXPLODED in laughter, i had no choice! If i didn’t laugh, i would’ve died keeping it in. I WISH you folks could’ve seen the stunt this man tried to pull, chest hairs woofin’ and all!!
That was some wild shit.
Add 45 pounds, a burgundy crushed velvet shirt, and some chest hair and that’s your guy.
