Category Archives: Nine to Five

The absurdities that transpire throughout the course of the work day.

About us Nine to Five Random

Too early to be so effin’ chipper…

April 17, 2009 – 11:39 am

You know how at Starbucks the employees working the drive-thru are required to make small-talk with you while you wait for your drink?  Oh.  You didn’t?  Well, they are.  And it annoys me.  I’m rarely at Starbucks other than in the morning… It’s my jumpstart, my little kick to start my day.  A delicious, grande non-fat cinnamon dolce latte WITH the whip cream, thankyouverymuch.  Before I get that little jolt of energy, I”m not in the mood to talk.  Therefore, logic would bring us to determine that I am NOT in the mood to chat while I’m waiting for my drink.

Logic would be correct.

I’m not a big fan of morning people anyways.   Are you a morning person?  Sorry… It annoys me that you’re this happy to be up so early in the morning.  It annoys me that you don’t want to still be snuggled up in bed  and it REALLY annoys me that you’re so chatty where as I am still trying to wrap my brain around being up so early.  I don’t like to talk.  So, no, Mr. Starbucks, I don’t want to tell you my plans for the day!

Today, though, I had the most cheerful person on the planet.  Perhaps, he was sent from God to make me learn a lesson.  To learn a lesson on how to be nicer or, I dunno, more of a morning person.  Either way… I don’t think the lesson worked.  I pull up to the window and I had made the unfortunate mistake of ordering one of their new breakfast sandwiches so I had to wait even LONGER than normal, thus giving me more time to chat it up with the guy at the window.  I tried to phone a friend (Why, yes, I did watch “Slumdog Millionaire” last night… What of it?!) but to no avail.  I was stuck.  Stuck in the midst of awkward conversation…

Him: Headed to work?

Me: Unfortunately.

Him: Oh come on.  Work gives us a reason to get out of bed every morning!

Me: I’m pretty sure I still would have woken up even if I didn’t have to be at work…

Him: (Staring dreamily off into the distance) Yeah, I guess I”m one of the lucky ones.  One of those people who found what they love to do and are good at it so early in life…  I get to wake up every morning, come to work, make people happy and come home.

Me: BLANK STARE

I mean, REALLY???  You’re trying to tell me that being a barista (which, come ON… fancy word for coffee-maker…) is your calling in life?  You were DESTINED to work at Starbucks???  And what do you mean “make people happy?!”  You don’t save lives!  You make coffee!  You don’t provide any sort of profound wisdom that wouldn’t otherwise be bestowed upon us!  YOU MAKE COFFEE.

Imagine if he continued on about his love for brewing & pouring said coffee, then even breaking out a Starbucks Coffee Barista Certification document–preferably a certificate. Chances are I would give him a pep talk then & there that sounds a bit like this:

“You know, guy, you really do have the world at your coffee-brewing fingertips.  Just think… If you keep it up, you’re going to make it to manager and then one day, if you stick with it, maybe even a franchise owner…  And THEN if that happens you could only do one other thing that would be fitting and that would be… TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HAAA!”

[*Continues evil laugh while jumping through the window and knocking over pot after pot of what he said was his "special perfect blend". Eff your brew, get a life!]

Alas, I gave the guy my credit card for payment and peeled out of the parking lot.  I’ll take my coffe with a side of relax this morning.  ‘Preciate it.

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Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five Random

Really? You’re gonna act like this is normal?

February 23, 2009 – 9:31 am

We have a pretty high turn around in one department of my office.  (Not my department.  There’s actually people lined up wanting to work with me… In hopes they can get a glimpse of my awesome…)  (LIE.)  (Complete and total.)  It’s all women and we all know us gals can get a little catty from time to time, but it’s also because of the amount of stress that certain job entails.  (Why am I acting like I can’t tell you what these people do?  They’re doctor’s secretaries… What is wrong with me?)  (Don’t answer that.)

Anyways, around Christmas we had an unfortunate incident. (And by unfortunate I mean COMEDY GOLD.)  It was right after our staff Christmas luncheon and everyone was fairly full considering all the food we had just consumed.  So, out of nowhere a coworker scurries into the secretaries’ supervisor’s office and says, “Uh… You need to come down here.  There’s something wrong with Jane.”  And Jane is, well, you know, not exactly a spring chicken, in fact, Jane is more like a sixty-something-year-old chicken,  so she books it allllll the way down to the other end of the building…  And there she finds Jane.  Under her desk.  Curled up.  She screamed out her name, “Jane!  Jane, are you ok???”  And Jane, a little disoriented considering she was right in the middle of a NAP, says, “Oh yeah, I’m fine.  I’m just taking a nap.”

LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

Like hey, taking a nap is perfectly normal. 

Well, sure, Jane it actually is normal ON A SATURDAY WHEN YOU’RE NOT AT WORK.

She didn’t try to cover it up.  She didn’t try to deny that she was sleeping.  No use of the old “The blood center said this might happen…” trick…  No saying, “Oh I was just looking for something I dropped on the ground.”  No saying ANYTHING except, “Oh yeah, I was taking a nap.”

Do I really need to tell you she was fired on the spot?  Do I?  Because if sleeping under your desk while at work isn’t grounds for dismissal I’m going to start bringing in my sleeping bag every day for the rest of my life.

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About us Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five Random

Some Sh*t You Just Don’t Do Pt. 2

April 3, 2008 – 9:15 am

“….As I step into the bathroom I was abruptly met by a pungent toxin-like stench. I took a look around to ensure that no one had died and then I realized someone was doing the “Shitty-Feet”. This is when there is someone taking a crap in the stall and all you see is their feet…”

Just my luck!

Once again I step to el baño (yeah…I like to mix in a little Español here and there to keep you on your toes) to relieve my bladder and surely there is someone already seated with some shit going on. (No pun intended?) Oddly, as of late it seems like every time I wander off to the the lavatory someone is there, taking a crap. No lie! It is quite disturbing folks, I’ve even tried to go to another bathroom, same deal. I know its weird but this is what happens so I figured I would share it with you.

So, as I enter bathroom I am immediately blind sighted by the most FOUL one-two punch of STANK in ages. ‘Twas not pleasant, at all! So the way this here bathroom is situated is as follows. You have three urinals then the stalls beside them. I chose to use the one furthest away from the stall as to attempt to dodge the stench. So I’m handling my business and while habitually observing my surroundings I stumble upon someone else doing the “Shitty Feet”. This man however, was a Shitty Feet professional.

There was NO shame in his game. Now, at my place of employment (as like many others) we have our I.D cards in order to swipe between different levels of the building. Could it just have been the shitty luck of this man to have caused his Shitty Feet to be displayed DIRECTLY beside his WORK I.D ?!? I tell you this, I was CRACKIN’ UP! I mean, he HAD to hear me laughing because he did a little foot shuffle. He was doing what I have come to call the “Identified Shitty Feet”. Name, picture and department out for all for the world to see.

I am sorry to do this BUT…Mr. Kester Julian, If you are reading this sir, please be more careful when doing the Shitty Feet. That is all.

Now, I’m off to Martial Arts class. (Pah! What a fu*kin Lie! Carry on now…Nothing else to see here)

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Nine to Five

“Some Sh*t You Just Don’t Do!”

February 4, 2008 – 12:37 pm

Safe to say that after seeing the Giants take the championship at a solid SuperBowl party I was SURE to be late to work today.

I am a man of my word. I was late.

I did my usual routine greetings and then made haste to the bathroom to take a SERIOUS leak. While on the way I get a phone call from a friend still frantic about the game informing me that they too were late and the snow was pissing them off.

As I step into the bathroom I was abruptly met by a pungent toxin-like stench. I take a look around to ensure that no one had died and then I realize someone was doing the “Shitty-Feet”. This is when there is someone taking a crap in the stall and all you see is their feet.

So I get off the phone to relieve myself and out of NOWHERE I hear a faint voice echoing from the stall saying, “Is it really snowing outside?”.

WHAT?!? Since when was it alright to speak to a stranger, while doing the Shitty-Feet? I couldn’t believe this man asked me that while sitting down on a toilet seat. He has to be insane. What was I to do?

I wanted NOTHING (at all) to do with this shitty conversation so I washed my hands fervently and moseyed on out the door slowly almost as if I didn’t hear him. Would anyone have taken part in that ridiculous conversation?

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About us Nine to Five Random

I’m A Fool?!?

January 28, 2008 – 11:46 am

No, I am not. Clearly someone was mistaking me for one.

So, I’m a photographer, right. And every now and then I have people try to TRICK me into shooting an event for them for free. I don’t like wool, so please dont try and put it over my eyes, no me gusta.

I get an email a few days ago from a theatre telling me that someone referred me to them and they would like me to shoot their gala. Yippppeeeeee, right? But wait, what do they offer me for payment…FREE tickets. I don’t think you understand. It’s free to see the shows. Get that…They offered me FREE tickets to something that is already FREE. They basically said, “Hey, chances are you’re bored and dumb so you might as well use your fancy camera over here, for free.”

Just imagine being at work and your boss asks you to work an extra 20 hours. For compensation, he offers you an extra pack of paper clips. That’s right, he’s going to give you all the paper clips (that are readily available to anyone), because there is NO WAY you could get them anywhere else; wool.

Here’s some more things that PMO about this email:

1. This lady starts the email by telling me how great the person that referred me is. (Nope, nothing about how great I am. Maybe you think she’s so great because she convinced you that I was a jackass and willing to work for these “tickets.” PMO)

2. Then she tells me they are celebrating their 30th anniversary. (So, after 30 years, you guys haven’t found a way to raise money.)

3. There will be great food and an open bar. (Oh, because I will be able to enjoy these things right? So you guys HAVE found a way to raise money, but just not to pay me because the person who referred me told you I was a jackass.)

So yeah, ma’am from the theatre, go blow dry your face.

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