Category Archives: Subway Chronicles

The craziest things happen on the train. These are all true stories of the many different events endured whilst traveling on the subway.

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 15: “Subway Shower”

October 22, 2009 – 12:11 pm

It is approximately 7:43 AM as Musin luckily finds himself a seat on a crowded F train. Not the best seat, but at least I don’t have to stand up at this ungodly hour. *phew.

So while doing a small amount of early-marnin’ people watching, I spy with my four-eyes a very fidgety blond haired dame doing the MOST at this early hour. As in, her movements were so sharp and frantic that I thought she was, well…a hungry crackhead! A hungry crackhead not hungry for food, that is. A hungry crackhead, not hungry for food but instead for crack-cocaine. Get me? Good. This is when I tuned in to the show, “Subway Shower, F train edition.”

She hurriedly forced her coat off her person, then mounted her over sized handbag [overnight bag] on her lap and it was off to the races. She was rummaging through that shit like a bum does a dumpster. You might be wondering, “why would you call it a Train Bath Musin?” Well it’s simple what happened. Here is my take: this girl slept out at (probably) some male friend’s house and was late to get to class so she just got up and ran to the train. Take this as fact for the following reasons:

1) She pulled out her bottle of lady spray and went to work! She sprayed her soul with this misty musk; her soul!

2) She took out a beat up bottle of Poland Spring and took a swig–of water. She then swished the H20 around then swallowed. Poland Spring mouth wash, yup, she did that.

3) Smart girl she is. Right after the gargle and rinse of warm tap water she IMMEDIATELY flung a stick of Winterfresh in her mouth; brilliant! Minty fresh for the day, no? NO! Fail, you nasty mofette.

4) This is when I was sold. After she did everything else this girl dug her left arm to the depths of her bag, uncapped her deodorant, raised the arms and applied–ON THE TRAIN. Now, I’ve seen girls do their make up on the train and that’s alright (I guess), but you can’t tell me that the rubbing of one’s antiperspirant onto their person is OK.

She then went on to do her homework…hm, wonder what she did last night? Freak nasty had time to hit the sheets but not the shower eh? Anti-bueno!

*drops microphone. (yes, we do love to drop the microphone–I knew you were wondering.)

*picks up the microphone; drops it again.

*does the electric slide.

Musin, out!
Long Live AH.

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 14 “Train Fails”

September 4, 2009 – 11:55 am

I know I know…the posts have somewhat decreased but fret not young world, AH is still very much alive and well. Team is doing well, work just kicks THE most arse this summer. Yarr.

So over the past few weeks I’ve seen a few chucklers on the good ole’ iron horse but I wanted to compile a list of hilarity to deliver all at once. Well, what are you waiting for, see list below:

1) The F train stops at 71st Street to do the most intense transfer [blatant hyperbole] known to man. People are flying in and out of this train trying to scramble to catch the next. So this older chubby dude was the last to attempt the switch; his face meeting only the soon closing doors. With one last burst of energy he forced one arm in and lodged his shoulder in the door. Wild already. So he then pulls some Hulk shit and rips open the door of the train. With grease stains and all Captain Rotund finally lands his first foot through the now open door. AS he THINKS to lift the other leg to make the big walk in comes the NYPD, “excuse me sir, get off the damn train and show me some ID.” Yea, fail! read more »

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The Bicycle Crook

May 21, 2009 – 11:37 am

You have to love NYC! I know people do wild shit all over the world, but I’ll bet big bucks that the majority of this wild shittery transpires in the ciudad of Nueva York. [*Turns off SAP] Oh, what kinda shite? Shite like this:

After leaving this event in the city we happened to spot this ultra shady character in a gray hoody on a bicycle emitting a very questionable vibe. No, I wasn’t even judging (not this time). So what gave him away you ask? Oh, mayyyyyybe because he was spotted jiggling LOCKS on Bowery. Mannnn, we KNOW you don’t work there! Even if you did, you didn’t JUST lock up shop, you didn’t! That coffee shop closed before sundown! Crook!

Also, ALSO! If you worked there or had any business trying to get in there @ 11:30 pm–you would most certainly own a KEY!

So my friend yells “oh shit! Who the fuck jiggles locks at 11:30?!”. At this point I’m still laughing hysterically at the whole scenario UNTIL said shady lock jiggler rolls up to us on SAID bicycle (an effing bicycle!) with a verbal contribution of, “something funny fellas?”. Uhhh sir, sir! SIR! Did you just NOT just see yourself checking locks of someone elses store on your (getaway) bicycle? Was that NOT your shadow on the floor while your person shook & turned the padlock of the store you (clearly) do NOT work at?! Do NOT piss me off Crook, don’t effin’ do it.

So with that bullshit I just start laughing even harder (I laughed PLENTY that night? Yes, yes I did). Then my friend said something along the lines of “No man we just left this event, had a couple drinks. It was a good time man you missed out.”

[* Still cracking up]

Then the crook proceeds to ask more info about the event! At that point I was just like could you please kindly keep it effin’ moving. No real “tough guy” tries to have conversations to find out about events in NYC. Lucky for him, I cut my beard a few weeks back hence me not actually saying a word this entire post. I hope he knows he spared himself from a dual-foot roundhouse kick, don’t ask. *Looks at Chuck, receives approval. Moves on…

Go fly a kite, crook.

Musin, out! Long live AH!

[Thanks to to our partner at ithinkyoureswell.com for the event info; good times Nerd.]

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 13: Train Door Fail

May 13, 2009 – 4:00 pm

Now listen, this could easily be one of those “Well I guess you had to be there…” moments but eff it, if I laughed so will you. [*puts on serious face]

This whole scenario all started with what I like to call the “Metromix” [no, not the city guide site - Solidtrip.com is better anyway]. The Metromix is when someone collects one too many metro cards over time and decides to throw them all in one place then play Go Fish when they get to the turnstile; dunces. (Anyone who takes the train often is guilty of doing the Metromix, don’t even lie!) I just save myself the hassle, get a new card!

So this lady is seriously tearing UP the Metromix dancefloor and continually getting denied. She even took a blow to the mid-section when she thought she found “the one” and thrusted forward only to catch a bar to the belly. It’s physics lady, a moving force against an immovable force will surely result in an epic fail. loss

So when my turn comes to swipe, I use my [only] metro card and go about my business (after laughing @ her? Perhaps?). So I wait a few seconds, the train door opens and I get on comfortably and take a seat. Standard there, nothing too different from the usual. I turn on the play list of choice, look up and I see this lady SPRINTING (almost gliding even) down the steps! (*Cue “We Are the Champions”)

Let’s say she was roughly about 4 rungs & 3 steps away from the door. Her face was beyond determined, it reminded me of Usain Bolt on the way to winning his first gold. But, there was no gold for this lady, only metal. The visual of two slowly closing train doors with her face behind the glass, on the wrong side = LOSS! She then went from the Usain Bolt face to the who stole my puppy face. This folks, this is what happens when you try your luck at the Metro-Roulette.

Hm, I’ll leave on that note. Good day!

Oh, Long Live AH!

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A Beard like Chuck Norris

May 7, 2009 – 9:54 am

Yup, one of the better weathered days in NYC today. The sun is now peeking out, things around the office have [somewhat] subsided, I’ve got some new good music to listen to and more importantly, I’ve still got my…Beard. Yes sir, still have the good old cheek fuzz poking out the epidermis. It’s a good day, no complaints here. I must say though, being a new (& proud) member of the Beard family…I wish someone would have told me all the great things that come with having a Beard of your own (As if you could borrow someones Beard, Musin? Foolio)

Things change when you have a Beard and guess what, being the kind Musin I am I’ve prepared my list of ten [10] things that happen once you possess fur like hair of the face.

1) No more Umbrella. Yup, it’s true. It’s been raining for the past 5 or so days here in NY and if it weren’t for the weatherman, I would’ve had no clue. Plus, you have a Beard now, you can’t just go walking around with an umbrella–pansy. Tough it out. Beard > rain.

2) Now that the Beard is in full effect, there is no need to say “you’re welcome”  anymore. It’s true, someone says thank you for a kind duty you have performed, just nod your head and keep it moving. Never let your guard down for that “you’re welcome” weakness, the Beard never lies.

3) In the same light, plenty things no longer even warrant a full verbal response. With this new Beard, comes a new grunt. [Note: I am not sure at all what exactly a grunt is/how it's done/when to do it...but I will grunt] So if you ask me something and you get a grunt with a steely eyed stare, consider it as your response and govern yourself accordingly, punk. [Yup, Beard also does give you massive amounts of tough guy appeal. Bar fight, anyone?]

4) Now all of a sudden these vests/thin coats don’t feel so much like me. I think now that I am the owner of this new Beard I may have to invest in a denim jacket of sorts, or even some flannel print overcoat. Yup, the life of a Bearded man. Please do your best to contain the envy, bald face.

5) Meh, I’ll also be passing on the veggies/salad, maybe even rice too. A lot more hearty meals from now own; that’s what a Bearded man must consume.  Steak, whole chickens, Slabs of ribs, those are the kinda meals we look forward to at any point of the day. Yes, with Beard you can now consume said items for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Fact -  Beard never lies.

6) Clearly those meals (especially the ribs) have a tendency to get a bit messy, gravy and whatnot. Napkin? Fuck no, only the back of my hand will now be suitable to clean such mess. It’s the only way to go, you can’t be caught sporting a rich Beard and pampering your face with Kleenex Ultra Soft tissue.  Wussy.

7) I don’t feel as if I should be up to date with modern technology. I have a Beard now; no need to update Twitter, right? In fact, out with the Blackberry also. Pass me a Bic pen, some  loose leaf paper (couldn’t be caught dead with a notebook, not with Beard) and a Nextel i1000. I’d even opt for a CB radio on the side, it’s what happens man…it’s what happens. [Yes, I do realize that would mean no more updating AH, but clearly this is all fun & jokes…moving along! )

8 ) I will now need a new nickname to go by, something very Beard-esque. I was thinking Bruiser, Hank, Boss, one of those. The choice is yours people.  I’m the one with the Beard so whatever you pick, I can’t lose.

9) Out with the VW Jetta, in with the old-school pickup truck (or motorcycle). Diesel only. Oh, I could never stop in New Jersey for gas because I would definitely get into a fist fight with the punk who tries to pump my gas for me.  Rude.  I have a Beard, I pump my own gas.

10) Clearly even the most bearded of folks have a soft side, so I will be purchasing a pet. Yup, you guessed it, a grizzly bear. So what if they could maul you? Pet must be as bad as owner, grizzly = necessary.

*Bonus: By growing your Beard it automatically makes you half as bad a Chuck Norris. Can’t be equally bad, truth is…no one is as bad as Chuck Norris. He can kill two stones with one bird, you know.

chuck-is-boss

Grow your Beard, follow the above and enjoy your life.

Musin, OUT!

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