Category Archives: Subway Chronicles

The craziest things happen on the train. These are all true stories of the many different events endured whilst traveling on the subway.

Random Subway Chronicles

AbsoHilare Covers Swine Flu

April 29, 2009 – 2:54 pm

So,

Unless you live under a huge pebble (*washes hands), you’ve heard about the flu de swine (*washes hands). Scary shit, I know. So scary that I even pondered sporting a MASK home (*washes hands) due to the fact that I take the Subway. But, as I thought about it further I realized that not only would being the only person on the train (*washes hands) with a MASK make me resemble that of a gargantuan douche bag (*washes hands), but people would probably also think that I was actually infected with said Oink Flu.

(*washes hands)

I’m not sure why but it’s the people with the masks that I see and worry about. Though a good idea to prepare yourself, I don’t think I will go with it just yet. Speaking of being prepared (*washes hands), I know a of a certain someone who once redefined being prepared for a certain situation. Itty, care to speak on this?

Well THAT’S not putting me on the spot or anything…  [Oh, Itty here.] I just happen to be afraid of unknown viruses and words like “pandemic.”  Is there anything so wrong with that???  Have you all not ever seen “Outbreak?!”  Dude, Patrick Dempsey does NOT fare well.  (Umm… Spoiler?)  Anyways, I always imagine that the first case of any new virus found in my small town will immediately result in the government quarantining the entire city and secretly planning to blow us all up and thus, solving the problem of the virus.  Things were no different when the Bird Flu came about in 2005.

It was all over the news and people were dropping like flies.  (Much like “The Golden Girls” these days… R.I.P. Dorothy…)  The usual scenarios start playing in my head.. Me being dragged away from my family telling them to be strong and I would be back in no time, all the while KNOWING I was about to bite it.  Stuff like this gets to me.  So, that’s when I tell my ex that we have to start a secret stash…  I don’t know what came over me in the next few days but I started stockpiling every non-perishable item I could get my hands on.  All of it…under the guest bed.  I mean, I was SERIOUS.  No bird flu was going to starve me out!  I was going to be prepared and every couple days I’d shove more bottled water or Ramen or cans of soup under the bed just waiting for the announcement to be made.  The one telling me I was on LOCKDOWN…

Well, as we all know that announcement never came.  So eventually I stopped the craziness and went about my every day life.  Until one night we had some friends over to help us move the furniture in order to get the carpets cleaned.   Things were going well until we got to the guest room.  That’s when I realized I had forgotten about my emergency rations under the bed and at this point it was entirely too late to do anything about it now.  They were in mid-move with the mattress.

There was an audible gasp when they saw it.  My secret had been exposed!

Everyone stopped and stared at me in silence.  Imagine how someone would look at you if they just found out you were addicted to something like clown po*rn.  Ok, now take that look and place it on my friends staring at me in the room.  Finally, Colleen, (Musin and I lovingly refer to her as Cleen) speakes up…

“Itty!  What is this?!”

*kicks rocks, looks down at the ground in shame, all the while my face is turning red…

“It’s… It’s my emergency food should the Bird Flu become a pandemic.  In case I had to be quarantined in my house…”

So, you know, I come prepared…  That’s the story.  Nothing more to see here… Move it right along.  And don’t forget your complimentary face masks.

[Musin here] And wash your hands (*washes hands) for it will help us all!

Tags , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (16)
Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 12: Bum Armstrong

March 11, 2009 – 2:05 pm

Aw man! The F train comes through in the clutch with yet another chunk of comedic gold!

The date, 3/10/09. The time was approximately 9:15pm and the train pulled up to the Roosevelt Island stop and on RIDES this bum directly onto the train. Now, normally people who have a bicycle get off and walk the bike onto the train, not this man! Bum Armstrong opted to pedal his way onto the train car, hilare!

[As soon as I saw that shite, I knew this could only get better]

In efforts of chaining his bike to the railing he was trying to swing this heavy bike chain around the railing but just continually kept throwing it straight ahead, not the correct around the railing motion he was looking for — wasted! After getting help throwing the blasted chain, he takes a seat and literally RIPS into this plastic container. I heard this thing open OVER my music, which was blaring (as always). I look over, I see about three chips TOPS in this carton. Pmo! All that noise for nothing.

[I then thought to self, "self, this guy is abso ridic, let's not pay him any mind." Then I heard self say, "you liar, clearly youre going to pay keen attention in order to accurately post yesterday evening's moments of hilarity on AbsoHilare.com." Damn you self, always so wise.]

While zoning out to some tunes (Wale’s Mixtape About Nothing…still) I realize there is somewhat of a miniature subway-stampede going on. All the people from Bum Armstrong’s side of the train flee to the other side in haste as if someone released a deadly airborne virus.  So I’m like what the Weezy F is going on here…I take a look and this man is smoking a cigarette–on the train! Too bad he cursed everyone as they were running away, single-handedly redefining reckless abandon.

*dead.

(*brought back to life; boss.)

I couldn’t believe it, my friend and I blurted out in blatant laughter because it was just so wild. I’ve NEVER seen anyone pull that shit before, though I did see this one dude roll a joint (literally, a joint) on the 7 train, yeah. Luckily our stop wasn’t too far off so we endured the nicotine tainted air for a few minutes (while cracking up!) then went about our way.

AND just for the bluff callers who may say, “Oh Musin, no effin way bro!” I utilized my paparazzi abilities to snag the most solid of images. Without further adieu, Bum Armstrong.

LONG LIVE AH!

Tags , , , , | Comments (4)
Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Seriously Funny Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 10: “Get Your Ass Off the Train Old Lady!”

July 11, 2008 – 10:02 am

TEN! We are at the 10th installment of this entertaining Subway Chronicle series. This is a very proud moment for me, I would like to thank Clev, Randy –oh eff it, I will save the dramatics, just know that I’m happy to still be writing and even happier your all are still reading. Thanks to the readers from all over the world (truly) who take time to read AH, much appreciated.

Now, I know I haven’t posted one of these in a while but I didn’t want to mess a good thing up and just post for the sake of posting. So I waited, and waited, and today my eyes landed on this comedic GEM; only fitting for the 10th installment of the Subway Chronicles.

So here I am heading home with head held high after a very productive day. I’m firing away at brickbreaker trying to beat my high score (10550, ha!) while leaning against the train door (I didn’t mean to rhyme, i swear.) Very packed train, folks are filing out little by little stop by stop. Now for the folks that don’t know, 71st and Continental is a very popular stop on the F train, apparently this innocent sweet-heart of an old lady wasn’t fortunate enough to have stumbled upon this post a day earlier.

At this stop a drove of people scurry to exit the train (even forcing me to put my brickbreaker attempts on hold, pmo.) This causes some serious hustle and bustle that the old lady in the back of the line just seemed to NOT realize. “Granny Loss” (as she will be referred to) was the last one to exit the train with both hands filled with the most up to date goodies from the supermarket.

She CAREFULLY peeked out to check the gap between the train car and the platform and JUST LIKE that WHOOOSH! The doors came closing RIGHT on Granny Loss’ shoulders with her head sticking out the other side of the train! At first I could not believe, then, i just could NOT stop laughing, I could NOT contain my chuckle, I couldn’t. Bags fell to the floor and all! I wish you have my view, as I was standing by said door I could see the the part of her that was still on board, and the other half STUCK outside. She was fine though, luckily. I thought she was a goner. (jk! Maybe, perhaps…mayhaps)

When I finally took a seat, I was still laughing while doing the standard peer around the train to see who else was grinning. Bad idea, caught eyes with another female citizen and it was like Medusa with grey hair! I was petrified. RIGHT BACK to brickbreaker, never looked up again until it was my stop. *Phew.

P.S. (Random but funny) One lady comes over to another at my place of employment and says:

Lady 1: Nice wallpaper, but what’s up with the chickens?

Chicken Lady: Oh, i just like them, my family has a farm so we have a whole bunch of chickens back home.

Lady 2: Ohh, I see, I always wondered…

Chicken Lady: Yupp, why? do you think it’s weird?

Lady 1: Oh no, I’m used to that stuff, I had two cocks back home. (*walks off…)

***PAUSE***

EXCUSE ME LADY? Please, Just please clear up those statements before you issue them publicly. THANKS!

(Clev and Randy you are a good set of folks, plenty thanks. Long Live AH!)

Tags | Comments (8)
Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 9: “Crack is Wack Pt.2″

May 29, 2008 – 7:55 pm

Aw shite! I am back, and its sure feels good to be home. My sincerest of apologies as life has a weird way of throwing a curve-ball when you least expect it. Anywho, tough people outlast tough times…now, onto the hilarity.

Imagine blank dark screen with old-school newspaper spiraling from the depths of the dark screen only to land smack in the middle of your screen reading: “The 7 train strikes again!” This time with no delay, as SOON as I get on the train I peer to my right to see a whole heap of empty space. Wierd. (Usually the after work rush leaves me doing somewhat of a skateboard like balancing act in the middle of the train due to lack of seating.)

Empty seat? No takers? Sure i’m in! I go to towards the seat and see yet ANOTHER cracky on the 7 train. This one was a lone ranger though. So I take a closer look and to my surprise I see cracky READING a newspaper. I was highly impressed; for about a total of 9.1 seconds. That sentiment quickly evaporated as soon as he hurriedly put his newspaper away and randomly came out came a Pint of ICE! ICE!!

Folks, where the fu*k do you randomly get ice from when you are homeless? I think it’s safe to say it would be very difficult to pull that off. So to make this even more HILARIOUS , as he is ravenously consuming these huge chunks of ice (as if it was the most delicious sorbet) he decides to scream, “A muthafucka needs to bring me some gat damn waaater”. WHAT Cracky McGee!? YOU ARE EATING ICE, and you want water?! I swear to you I had to hide my laugh by masking my face with my sleeve (as to preserve my LIFE). How are you thirsty when you are eating water? Even worse, just wait damnit! You have water, stop begging (I can tell a bum to not beg? really Musin?) people for stupid shit. Use your begs wisely.

Cracky Mac then went on to (before the conductor) announce every upcoming stop like he was opening a baseball game. So as I get off (lmao) I was about to turn back on my headphones to continue my commute but I KNEW he had one more in him. So said, so done…”74th Street and GAT DAMN Broadway Bitches..and God Bless America”… I almost LOST IT. I’m still laughing as I re-type these events. And I KNOW some one will have doubts but this is pure fact. As a matter of fact, I have PICTURES to prove it this time!! IM BACK!! (Hit the links for a better look)

“a muhhfucka needs to gimme some waaaater”

may-as-well-learn-something-new.JPG

itchy-mcgee.JPG

I got nothin.

Comments (9)
Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 8: ” What If…”

February 29, 2008 – 4:51 pm

After a long day of work I am literally dragging to get to the train. I find myself at the infamous Roosevelt Avenue stop (Home of “Air Force + Faux-Chilla = Loss” & “Wiser with Age”) wondering why the hell the magnitude of the everyday commuter population has grown so rapidly.

So as I traverse down the platform towards my usual waiting spot I realize an unusually large gathering forming in a circular fashion around what used to be my waiting place. So I’m now forced to move over a little bit but I just HAD to find out what the situation was. (NO! I’m not nosey…but you would’ve looked too.) So I glance over and immediately spot a mullet sporting, poorly clothed, inebriated bum. NO QUESTIONS this time however about this man’s bum-ness. His bum credentials were concrete with bum certificate (brown paper bag) on hand. (Summa BUM Laude! :x . Oh No!!!)

Now infront of Jimbo (just a name we will use to identify the overly qualified bum) hovered this police man who did not look like he was there to help. So while (not being nosey) paying attention to the developing situation down the line comes my train. As the train approaches I see the police take out his radio but with all the hullabaloo from the train I couldn’t make out his request.

Dilemma: Do I stay to view the turnout (be nosey) OR do I get on the train and continue in my homeward bound journey? Eff it, I was tired, home it was.

Then this crazy thing housed above my eyes by the name of the “brain” starts to conceptualize possible events that could have transpired post my departure. Sadly, the best scenario I could come up with was that the police officer took out his batton, hit Jimbo in the head to wake him up, then gave him two tickets. One for public indecency and the other for loitering. Yea, sucks right? BUT then I thought…If this police office was BOLD (dumb) enough to write Jimbo a ticket, who the fu*k would pay it? LOL.

YO! I laughed out loud on the train while trying to figure out who would pay Jimbo’s ticket. Would Jimbo go to court? Would Jimbo be able to find his way to court? Would they send notices to his home? Does Jimbo even have a home? Would they just paste a multitude of tickets on random corners/park benches? Jimbo is a homeless person, would he have money to pay for two tickets? Does Jimbo have any money at all?

Somebody help me. Please.d

That is all.

Ok I lied.

So while I was in DC (which shall be referred to as the Home of the Homeless) this past weekend I got hit with a quick surprise. So on our way from having one good time to another we were (again) asked the time by who…YOU got it! Another BUM! These DC Jimbo’s must be some busy little critters. This was even more weird than before because, 1) he was knelt down on the corner and 2) he was polite.

“Excuse me sir, do you have the time?”I replied quickly ” Its 9:50 man, where do you need to be?” I didn’t wait for the response as I was too busy going from one good time to another. ( I never said this before. That was a Lie. You follow? I do.)

That is all. (Seriously)

Comments (5)

« Previous Page — Next Page »

« Previous Page — Next Page »