The craziest things happen on the train. These are all true stories of the many different events endured whilst traveling on the subway.
February 7, 2008 – 3:10 pm
Nope, not the Kanye West song, nor was it a trifling money grubbing freeloading jezebel.
Instead, ’twas a ridiculously bold man on a Queens bound F train utilizing not one, or even two, but ALL five of his (now disgusting) fingers in some super crazy Edward Scissorshand/machine like swiftness to excavate what HAD to have been 24K gold firmly lodged somewhere close to his brain-through his nose.
Thank the Lord I was sitting a fair distance from the “Abominable Nose-Man” because not only was this jackass pissing me off with his barbaric nose digging but he was also becoming a huge THREAT to the other passengers!
After disentangling his knuckle from his nose (I thought he was lucky for not having to amputate it) , he then began to make room for round two by flicking….yes…FLICKING these nose-nuggets with absolutely no regard for the other passengers aboard. I felt like i was being held hostage. It almost felt like he was a bomb, and these flicked nuggets were shrapnel.
I tried to look away but it was just too much to pass up, this man was hacking away at his nose, I’m surprised he wasn’t bleeding at the rate he was going. Plus, if I had looked away, that would’ve drastically increased my chances of getting nailed by nasal napalm; while also increasing the chances of a fight breaking out on the F train.
This man wasn’t even trying to be discreet about it, he would even angle his nose for a better shot at the gold. He was going at it for at LEAST eight minutes. Now I don’t know about you, but I have never seen (nor would like to see again) anything like that in my life.
Luckily he got off soon there after and I was left trembling in fear.
P.s. Imagine how many railings/bars/handles this man went on to fondle after invading his brain via his nose. Sick right? no more railings for me.
January 30, 2008 – 10:38 am
WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!
That’s what I believed to be true; until this dumb old lady erased said thought.
So I’m at Roosevelt Station (home of plenty craziness) when I stumble upon a massive LOSS. The worlds BIGGEST escalator is out of service! Yarr!
Now I’m forced to mount this motionless metallic mountain VERY early in the A.M. and i truly wasn’t up to the task. In any event, i tough it out as it was the (supposed) fastest route. I then realize that folks (myself included) are taking baby steps going up this thing while the opposite side enjoyed a brisk skip downwards.
Half-way up I come to find out there is an OLD lady, clutching purse and all, taking her sweet friggin’ snailing DOWN the UP side. You don’t go against the grain of a stalled escalator granny! PMO! Now not only am i late, i am the MOST pissed in the world. For the first time i wanted to slap an old lady. Yup, I wanted to take the glove off her hand, get a frim grasp, and then swiftly back-hand her for being a dunce. As i type this i almost regret that i didn’t.
Lesson here folks: don’t walk down the upside. Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? I didn’t think so either, until today.
January 18, 2008 – 10:35 am
Here i am minding my own business on a Queens bound F train when at the Parsons stop confidently enters a man of Indian descent who apparently hasn’t been shopping since circa 2002.
This psycho (he had to be insane, not asking any questions) was wearing a tan FLIGHT JACKET (couldn’t tell the last time I’ve seen one of those) , a pair of jeans that looked like one big fuck up of denim patches, and then what HAD to be some clearance Nike womens walkers.
The funny part is, that’s not even what landed this man a feature spot in the Subway Chronicle Series ! In fact, it was the dark M he was wearing above his nose. Not only did this man have ONE SOLID super-unibrow, but he took the time to shape the shit up!! The solo-brow was half way down his nose bridge and could easily have extended to his ear lobe. This was a SERIOUS bush-like patch folks. I’m positive that this woolly-brow HAD to impair his vision. Of this i am certain.
I’m going to have to start trying some paparazzi moves and sneaking pics of these people so you can go through what i have to go through. Painful sight.
Also, if you realized i tagged this post under three categories. Couldn’t Make This Up, Subway Chronicles, and especially Garb as i feel that his feathery facial feature highly qualifies as an article of clothing.
January 9, 2008 – 3:10 pm
What is the world coming to?
On this day i speak of i saw a very “needy-looking” man (not gunna go start calling the man a bum because i dont know his personal business nor was i 100 percent sure of his bum credentials so for now i will stick with “needy-looking” man to play it safe) loitering by the F train at Roosevelt Avenue.
So on this frigid day i see this man confidently walking along the platform damn near barefoot. I say that because his black/white Air Forces were a lot more Air than they were Forceful. When you wear walkers i’m not supposed to be able to see your toe(s).
So aside from his Air Airs, he was sporting a pair of sweatpants that could EASILY pass for sweat-capris. No joke. If the foot of his pants were alive they would be stretching, kicking and screaming in attempts to cover his ankles. But here’s the kicker, this man was brave enough (with all these holes and gaps in his outfit) to wear a friggin FUR coat. I laughed in his face, i could NOT help it. Where did he find that coat and more importantly WHO was he trying to fool with that damn faux-chilla coat?
Not I.
P.s. At best it could pass for a rat skin coat.
January 2, 2008 – 4:25 pm
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the holiday season is to blame for making my already gruesome commute home twice as hectic. So after an extra long day at work i barely squeeze into a tiny space on a border-crossing like PACKED Queens bound F train.
This train is HOT as hell, steaming even. People are packed neck to neck, shoulder to shoulder would be an understatement. With me barely making it on the train I’m stuck by the door next to a little older looking woman. Now, no one is speaking yet my nostrils suffered a swift attack by THE most horrid smell. I looked around to see what was dying or who brought a dead animal in their purse but my efforts were futile.
After about 45 seconds of suffering i finally figured out what was causing me this pain. The little older lady who was RIGHT beside apparently had a very long day, and was wearing it on her breath. Apparently this woman’s TART breath was being redirected from what had to be her nostrils, off the glass, into my area.
You NEVER want your breath to smell so bad your body pours it through your nostrils.
I’m happy i survived to tell the tale.