This post is actually very drive-by-esque, quick & effective. No, I have not played any part in a drive-by so don’t even start looking for your gavel, “judge [insert last name here]“. Anyways, this past weekend a close collegiate colleague of mine played witness to some random hilarity and was kind enough to share with me. With that said, I decided to share with you all. After all, sharing is caring mofo.

At first, just looking at this picture I laughed. After hearing the story of the words attached to this image I was near tears. In truth, it was M. Randy who called me directly to discuss the madness. You know shit is a big deal when someone actually picks up the phone and makes a call, you just know it. After offering up a long stare at the image I couldn’t [at all] guess what this cop was saying to this incapacitated Mexican. The body language was just all too confusing. So, with that said, I went ahead and guessed a few possible options…I think these are all quite plausible:

1) “Hey bro, are you alright?”
2) “Have you ever seen Machete?”
3) “Better yet, do you own a Machete? I’m just asking.”
4) “Almost there buddy, you were 3 steps away from Corona heaven.”
5) “Marco…”
6) “What’s the big idea with the hat? Is that some cross-border trend or are you trying to block the sun? If trend, please keep it over yonder.”
7) “Ha! Guess they didn’t teach you how to say ‘Don’t tase me bro’ in your local ESL class.”

Believe it or not, all of the above guesses were incorrect. Pmo. Here’s what the fuzz actually said: “Hombre, hombre…how many cervezas?” LOL! As you could probably guess, there was no response from our hat wearing corona-seeking friend. Oh come on! Who really thought it was a coincidence that there’s a lifetime supply of Corona in the background? Not I. Nor did you. The best part is, after not getting any response from this probably unconscious man the officer went on to say what? Oh you guessed it: “Hombre, hombre….how many cervezas?” That is all he said to this man, that’s the best you could do Officer? #polociafail.

-A. Musin
Long Live AH!

Well, this time we have a winner! I wish I knew who came up with these screen-shots filled with brilliance but unfortunately I do not. If you do know who put these things together, please don’t hesitate to let us know.

Now, please see below for a slew of screen-shots that almost made me laugh my way out of a job earlier on today. Also, while you’re here, if you are a Family Guy fan do yourself the favor of clicking here: YouTube can be alright sometimes, especially when it has classic Family Guy clips. Don’t judge me.

I probably shouldn’t just label this move as one that’s exclusive to Blockbuster because really it’s those who make these movies that should be held accountable. However, Blockbuster and I aren’t on good terms right now. We can blame THAT on the fact that when I went to rent one (as in SINGULAR) movie last night, I had to pay off $45 worth of late fees. (Quit looking at me that way.)

I was unaware of these late fees because someone had informed me that they had paid off the fees when in reality, NO.  No, they did not. So here I am holding up the line because all I want is one simple movie and they have to list off a myriad of charges. AND OH DID HE LIST THEM. This man had no inside voice. He was shaming me into paying for all the late fees which really were NOT my fault but they hear that all the time so I just stood there and looked guilty. BUT! We’re not here to discuss my inability to return moves on time. It’s a problem. I’m aware. More importantly, my bank account is aware but anyways…

I feel like it’s my civic duty to inform you, AbsoHilare readers, of the worst of all the Blockbuster Swindles… The Fake Movie.

I really wanted there to be a collective gasp from the audience but instead I feel you all narrowing your eyes like I’m completely making this up.

Well, I’m NOT.

Every year we have those huge blockbuster movies that are all the rage. When Transformers hit the big screen in 2007, it was all anyone could talk about. Megan Fox! Shia LeBouf! Optimus Prime who’s actually being voiced by the same guy who voiced him in the 80s cartoon! (Ok, that last one may have been a bit of a stretch and only me and 3, 252 other nerds knew that fact.) Regardless, you get my point. It was a hit and people were clamoring to get it on dvd. Everyone was excited to watch the movie in the comfort of their own home, away from the confines of the uncomfortable seats, the sticky floors, the heavy breathers and the loud candy openers that are all a given when you see a movie in the theater.

This is where the swindle comes in.

Watch closely.

Blockbuster preys on the uninformed. They know that Transformers is a hit and they want their money. They want it now. There’s no waiting the three months for the movie to grace the likes of a simple dvd. What do they do? Oh it’s simple. And evil.

They sneakily place on their shelves the movie that sounds almost identical to the big blockbuster of the season. So, some unaware grandma comes by, sees Transmorphers on the shelf and thinks, “Little Johnny’s been dying to see that robot movie! And I know it started with ‘Trans-’ so this has to be it!” Grandma, completely proud of herself, is only setting herself up for shame and failure.

You can see why poor Grandma would be confused.

Transmorphers is not the movie Little Johnny was looking for. Transmorphers does not have Megan Fox and Transmorphers most certainly does not have Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots.

I never understood why I felt like I was the only one aware of this swindle. Why weren’t more people outraged? I can go through Blockbuster at any given time and find at least 5 fake movies.  Just last night I saw this gem:

Paranormal Entity does NOT equal Paranormal Activity.

Then I realized, with a great deal of shame, that I’m the only other person besides unsuspecting grandmas who has ever actually fallen for the Blockbuster Swindle. I don’t really understand what happened, how that movie ended up in my hands on that fateful day… I remember wandering into Blockbuster intent on renting some horror movie about a creepy little boy. One of those flicks where the kid is evil and everyone’s in denial and it’s all fun and games until the kid starts sacrificing neighborhood cats. I’m not sure. One of those. What I came out with was this:

El Orfanato: It’s not what you’re looking for.

How I missed the fact that the title was in another language is unclear. What I do know is that I got home and was 30 minutes into the film before I realized, “Hey, wait a second! I’ve been reading subtitles this entire time! They’re never switching to English, are they?!” I hung my head in shame and knew. I had been a victim of the Blockbuster Swindle.

Long live AH!

Oh come on! Don’t be surprised, you already know you don’t need any more background information than that. The world knows that Easter Sunday is when you can expect to see the most efforts in fanciness that your mind can fathom. This happens because this is when the folks that never come to church decide to show up for the “holiday-blessings”. I’m certain you are familiar with their kind; the people that show up on Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Years if they feel like it. The New Year effort is to attempt to start of the year fresh; sin-free even. The reason these people look so foolish at the service is because of one of the two following things:

1) They do not own many suits or clothing acceptable for the house of Baby Jesus.
2) They own plenty suits, unfortunately all from their disco days. (Note: this options yields the most hilarity)

Now I can’t honestly say I have the slightest clue where this man found his inspiration to throw together this ensemble but without further adieu I present to you one of the most fancy failures in Easter Sunday History:

"oh you fancy huh? tie done. tie done. everything did."

THIS SHIT IS WILD! What do you think he was thinking? How does one adequately define the expression on this man’s face? The best I  could come up with is comfortably awkward.

I now leave the floor open for captions for this man’s outfit. I had a ton of them attack the forefront of my mind all at once.

“I didn’t know which one to wear so I wore both.”
“I didn’t know which one I liked more; it was a tie.”
“Close knotted race, on my chest area.”
“You like this? Knot me.”

Alright I’m going to stop here. Take it away.

p.s. A friend of mine took this pic and I seriously have no idea how it came out this clear. I would’ve been laughing so hard the image clarity would have been poor at best.

Long Live AH!

Ok, fine.

You did none of those things. But you DID miss our hilarity. It’s ok. It’s a natural reaction. But the good news? We’re back! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Settle. We’re not promising anything regular because we do happen to have very busy lives at the moment but we’re back… for now.

Today we bring you the story of a thief, a felon, a crook. Except, he’s not your average crook. He’s an idiot. Allow us to copy and paste pieces of the article and we’ll dissect it for you.

“A man brought a hammer to a Lexington restaurant on Tuesday night. But he was no Mr. Fixit.”

I’m sorry… What? So, the Mr. Fixit line? Well that leads us to believe he was there with ill intent in mind. But come ON! A hammer? The man chose a HAMMER as his weapon of choice. Foolery. We’ll continue…

“Police say a man entered the Subway on Waller Avenue and ordered a sandwich around 7 p.m. Then he pulled out a hammer and ordered some money. The robber ran out with an undisclosed amount of cash.”

Whoever that cashier was? FIRED. Who’s intimidated by an effing hammer?! What’s he going to do with it? His range with his arm surely can’t be that long. I mean, it’s not like Tiny Head Howard walked into the joint with his Go-go Gadget Arms and demanded money. We’re going to assume this thief was of average size. So, Mr. Cashier, we ask you this: Have you ever heard of the concept of ducking? Yeah. Clearly not.

Notice the time of the robbery. 7pm. That happens to be right around prime dinner-time rush. What were the other patrons doing? Our guess? Laughing. Laughing so hard that they could neither stop the crook or help the cashier. Why? Because they just saw someone get owned… with a hammer.

Then again, this article could be leaving out some important info. What exactly was the robber planning on doing with the hammer? I mean, are we talking skull smashing? That’s the most likely bet but what if he just wanted to smash some veggie cases? Wreck the oven for the bread? These are all possible scenarios and without all the details we can’t judge…too much.

Regardless, the final verdict of this story: There are entirely too many MC Hammer jokes to be made. Oh, and that crook? 100% fool. Ranks right up there with the sleepy thief…

Long live AH!

Now, this has to be is certainly one of the top ten most ridiculous things I’ve ever read in my life; and I see a plenty o’ ridic shite on the reg. Hm, remember when people used to say that? “On the reg”, what ever happened to that one? Ah well, *moves on.

For the folks reading that are not familiar with the HOV lane, it’s a lane reserved for cars on busy highways carrying 2 or more persons. These vehicles are considered to be High Occupancy Vehicles (HOV). Thus, if you are the only one in your car, stay the eff out of that lane. Got it? Good. Now that you’ve digested that tidbit please see image below displaying the highest heights of fuckry:

dunce.

Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. That actually IS a mannequin sporting a blazer, scarf and sunglasses. Very storefront display-esque, too bad it was nowhere near a storefront but actually in some scallywag’s passenger seat! This immediately lends me the opportunity to inquire, “what part of the game is this?” Are you that stupid or were you just that late? Or, are you actually a high-level functioning retard? I bet you this was something she did on the reg (I believe people should still use this) too. Silly mofette.

[For those who aren't aware, a "mofette" is the female version of a mofo. Just wanted everyone to be on the same page.]

This whole scenario has opened my mind to a slew of even more ridiculous mannequin related faux-passenger scenarios:

1) Does “it” have a name?
2) Does she change the faux-passenger’s style to be in season? Meaning, does “it” wear t-shirts in the summer? Winter jackets when it snows? Hilare, hilare.
3) What does she do with it when she gets to her destination? Imagine this car with said mannequin arriving at work; does everyone just see it and keep it moving? Hell no!
4) What happens at stop lights? Oh, loss.
5) What would happen if she got pulled over by the police–oh shit! We have that answer! I’ll take “how to get a ridiculous ticket for $2000 Alex?” *buzzer sounds* “Daily Double!”

Just in case you think there was only one idiot foolish enough to attempt this, think again: Mega-Dunce. The best part about this article is the note reading, “As for his passenger, well, he’s not talking either.” Hilare.

P.s. Happy 70th Birthday, Chuck Norris!

Good day!
-A. Musin.

The way it works is like this, whoever is getting the gifts gets all their gifts at once. Example, if Its “my turn”, I get all my shit from everyone then and there. Less confusion and it gets it all out the way at once. No back and forth. So after my father got all his gifts, it was my brother’s turn. Sister got him a new camera, I got him a RL shirt, and then my mom decides to pop up with her slew of gifts…

Right off the bat she steals the effin’ show. (Note: my mother is WAY out of touch with pop culture.) She excitedly hands him a small well wrapped gift as her first of 4 items. With a huge smile my brother begins violently unwrapping this gift. So I’m like, what the fuck could that be?! I wish I had never asked!

Turns out it was a t-shirt, he opened it with the front facing him. So all I saw was a black t-shirt; until he turned it around. This was the time in which I realized my 29-year old brother had just received a Twilight t-shirt with Edward Cullen’s FACE on the front. It was OVER! My sister hit the floor, dying with laughter. I couldn’t contain my chuckles either, I was belting them out.

The best was my mom’s face when her children were rolling on the floor in laughter after opening her first gift. The funny thing is she was like, “well I thought he would love it, its all the rage these days.” Yeah mom, it might be–for sappy 14-year old teenage girls! Needless to say the latter 3 gifts made up for the first, but that shit was epic.

[Some of you may have heard this before, but this part I saved ONLY for the purpose of this post.]

After my brother got his gifts, my mother got hers and then it was my turn. Brother gave me a nice sweater, sister got me a nice pair of jeans, then it was time to open mom’s gift.

I’m (clearly) already leery about her Christmas contributions but what else can I do, NOT open my mother’s Christmas gifts? As I pick up this tightly wrapped gift I hear my mother chuckle to herself in the corner. At that point I knew it, I KNEW the loss that was coming to smite me. Ripped open the gift and just as I thought–another fucking Twilight shirt. Hello Fail whale! Same shit too! At that point I really had to give her a talking to. Lucky for her she got me some other boss gifts to make up for it.

Christmas was hilare, clearly.

Happy New Year!
-A. Musin

So while doing a small amount of early-marnin’ people watching, I spy with my four-eyes a very fidgety blond haired dame doing the MOST at this early hour. As in, her movements were so sharp and frantic that I thought she was, well…a hungry crackhead! A hungry crackhead not hungry for food, that is. A hungry crackhead, not hungry for food but instead for crack-cocaine. Get me? Good. This is when I tuned in to the show, “Subway Shower, F train edition.”

She hurriedly forced her coat off her person, then mounted her over sized handbag [overnight bag] on her lap and it was off to the races. She was rummaging through that shit like a bum does a dumpster. You might be wondering, “why would you call it a Train Bath Musin?” Well it’s simple what happened. Here is my take: this girl slept out at (probably) some male friend’s house and was late to get to class so she just got up and ran to the train. Take this as fact for the following reasons:

1) She pulled out her bottle of lady spray and went to work! She sprayed her soul with this misty musk; her soul!

2) She took out a beat up bottle of Poland Spring and took a swig–of water. She then swished the H20 around then swallowed. Poland Spring mouth wash, yup, she did that.

3) Smart girl she is. Right after the gargle and rinse of warm tap water she IMMEDIATELY flung a stick of Winterfresh in her mouth; brilliant! Minty fresh for the day, no? NO! Fail, you nasty mofette.

4) This is when I was sold. After she did everything else this girl dug her left arm to the depths of her bag, uncapped her deodorant, raised the arms and applied–ON THE TRAIN. Now, I’ve seen girls do their make up on the train and that’s alright (I guess), but you can’t tell me that the rubbing of one’s antiperspirant onto their person is OK.

She then went on to do her homework…hm, wonder what she did last night? Freak nasty had time to hit the sheets but not the shower eh? Anti-bueno!

*drops microphone. (yes, we do love to drop the microphone–I knew you were wondering.)

*picks up the microphone; drops it again.

*does the electric slide.

Musin, out!
Long Live AH.

*Errrrreeeeek!  *record comes to a SCREECHING halt.

Let me just bring you up to speed if you a) don’t have Twitter or b) were living under a rock.

Today the news stations were all flustered with a breaking story.  A six year old boy!  Runaway aircraft!  Wait, wait, runaway homemade aircraft that looks like a giant flying saucer! 10,000 feet above the ground!  He was losing control, cameras were following the little spaceship’s every move!  People were flipping the eff out on Twitter.  #Balloonboy became a trending topic on Twitter in like 32.4 seconds and everyone was like, “OMG!  #Balloonboy is not a laughing matter!  He could B dead!!!!”  And I sort of giggled because I was just like, “Musin… Clev… There’s a kid in a BALLOON that looks like a SPACESHIP.  Oh and it’s spiraling out of control over the Rockies.”  And then we all had a good laugh.

But then the unthinkable (and by unthinkable I mean how did we NOT see this coming???) happened and they got the balloon down and no six year old boy popped out.  None at all.  In fact, I was a little nervous when the people were hacking away at the spaceship and I was all THE BOY!  WHAT ABOUT THE BOY INSIDE?! Until I realized, oh hey, he’s not in there.  He’s probably fallen out… SADFACE.

I was really sad.  Mainly for the family because the death of a child, *shudder* is terrible but also because MAN, this story had so much potential for funny.  I laughed allt he way up until there was a lack of boy in the balloon.  In fact, I have several instances I’d like to point out.

1) Exactly what kind of family has a homemade, spare, functioning spaceship just lying around?  I mean, are they in the habit of creating such vehicles?  Is this a side hobby of the family?  Are they in the Real Live Spaceship business?  Spaceships ‘R Us: You dream it, we make it.  (No, you shut up.  If I had a spaceship making business that is totally what I would name it.)

2) How exactly did the conversation go when they realized the kid was missing?  “Oh hey, anyone seen Falco-OH MY GOSH.  He’s floating away in our homemade fully functioning astronaut farmer spacecraft!!  CALL THE GUARD!!!!”  That’s all there is to say about that.

3) The kid’s name is Falcon.  As in the bird.  That flies.  Is anyone else seeing the irony here?

4) Let’s just take a minute to grab some lines from news anchors reporting this debacle…  We all know Shep Smith has uttered my favorite line of all time.  (Wait… Did we not know this?  Short version: Guy runs up while Shep is reporting on Katrina, crazy, drunk guy running around without his shirt on, Shep says, “Sir! Sir!  What are you still doing here?!  Everyone is supposed to be out!”  Crazy, drunk guy screams something about partying with Katrina or something and Shep looks back at the camera, deadly serious and says, “THAT guy’s probably gonna die.”  The end.)  But today an anchor actually looked at the camera and said, “This isn’t the kind of thing we see very often.”

I’m sorry.

What?

VERY OFTEN?!  When have you ever seen a six year old float away in a homemade spaceship?!  That would be NEVER, my friend.  Never.  Not once.  Not last week.  Not since Area 51 was the talk of the town.  Never.

5) And finally, let’s just address the little fact of where Balloon Boy actually was…  After his parents have called out the National Guard or whatever military service they were using.  After CNN has had this kid as their breaking news headline for the majority of the day.  After I have spent the last two hours of my workday glued to my computer screen do we find out… Little Falcon?  He was IN THE ATTIC.

Yeah.

ATTIC.

Probably just hanging out.  Playing army or pretending to be Anne Frank.  I’m not real sure what six year old boys do when their in the attic alone while the rest of the nation worries that they might not be alive any longer.  Wanna know why I’m not so sure?  Because the rest of the entire nation and I were too busy watching the spiraling Jiffy Pop container over the Rockies!  Wondering if the child has already plummeted to his death!  Yeah, that’s what I was doing.  What about you?

Long live AH!  Deuces!

*drops mic….

Ok, so we are on the same page now. Tough guy burglar mind frame ready to go hold a newly wed couple hostage in their home. They surely have bucks that we can run with. Right? Right.

Great, let’s also not forget that we are currently wanted in connection with a homicide and burglaries in THREE states. You got that? Homicide and tri-state burglary! Now we can move forward with this plan we’ve devised for the newly weds. Boom, we’re in. [CUT! *camera pans away to off set commentary]

So listen here folks, I. have no effin’ idea what could’ve happened between here and the outcome of this [true] story. I couldn’t believe it when I read the article. This man’s failure threshold is at an all time high. It’s been reported that this burglar (with the mind frame and charges above) was befriended by the newly weds after forcing his way into the house. As in, they offered the man something to drink, some pillows and a blanket so he could lie down in their bedroom. Well, dig this, hombre FALLS ASLEEP! At that point the “hostages” walk out of the home calmly. Ricky Lauss!

“Family members said they received text messages from the couple while they were inside…”

I don’t know about you but if I’m holding somebody hostage, first rule–no cell phones! This man is an ass. So much so that I feel he deserves to be shot–oh wait, he was! Yup, officers surely left him with one in the upper left chest. His injuries weren’t considered life threatening but if I got shot in my chest because I had a cup of Swiss Miss and fell asleep I would be pissed! Ok, so I’ve fallen asleep before and missed an event, party here and there but no one has ever shot me in the chest for it. This man is a loss collector! If I’m ever winning too much and would like an express loss delivered to me right away, I’m definitely sending this guy a text. Ha!

*sends faux-gold Ricky Lauss of the month award…to his hospital.

A. Musin, out.
Long Live AH!