Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Of Course This is a Person.

March 10, 2010 – 11:57 am

I know, the site hasn’t been updated in a while but fret not–we are still here & still stirring up hilarity. See proof below.

Now, this has to be is certainly one of the top ten most ridiculous things I’ve ever read in my life; and I see a plenty o’ ridic shite on the reg. Hm, remember when people used to say that? “On the reg”, what ever happened to that one? Ah well, *moves on.

For the folks reading that are not familiar with the HOV lane, it’s a lane reserved for cars on busy highways carrying 2 or more persons. These vehicles are considered to be High Occupancy Vehicles (HOV). Thus, if you are the only one in your car, stay the eff out of that lane. Got it? Good. Now that you’ve digested that tidbit please see image below displaying the highest heights of fuckry:

dunce.

dunce.

Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. That actually IS a mannequin sporting a blazer, scarf and sunglasses. Very storefront display-esque, too bad it was nowhere near a storefront but actually in some scallywag’s passenger seat! This immediately lends me the opportunity to inquire, “what part of the game is this?” Are you that stupid or were you just that late? Or, are you actually a high-level functioning retard? I bet you this was something she did on the reg (I believe people should still use this) too. Silly mofette.

[For those who aren't aware, a "mofette" is the female version of a mofo. Just wanted everyone to be on the same page.]

This whole scenario has opened my mind to a slew of even more ridiculous mannequin related faux-passenger scenarios:

1) Does “it” have a name?
2) Does she change the faux-passenger’s style to be in season? Meaning, does “it” wear t-shirts in the summer? Winter jackets when it snows? Hilare, hilare.
3) What does she do with it when she gets to her destination? Imagine this car with said mannequin arriving at work; does everyone just see it and keep it moving? Hell no!
4) What happens at stop lights? Oh, loss.
5) What would happen if she got pulled over by the police–oh shit! We have that answer! I’ll take “how to get a ridiculous ticket for $2000 Alex?” *buzzer sounds* “Daily Double!”

Just in case you think there was only one idiot foolish enough to attempt this, think again: Mega-Dunce. The best part about this article is the note reading, “As for his passenger, well, he’s not talking either.” Hilare.

P.s. Happy 70th Birthday, Chuck Norris!

Good day!
-A. Musin.

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About us Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up

An AbsoHilare Christmas

January 4, 2010 – 7:27 pm

‘Twas the morning of Christmas and all was jolly in the halls of the Clarke household. Everyone had just consumed a solid breakfast and it was now time to open the gifts. I came prepared this year, top notch gifts for the family members across the board. *pats self on back.

The way it works is like this, whoever is getting the gifts gets all their gifts at once. Example, if Its “my turn”, I get all my shit from everyone then and there. Less confusion and it gets it all out the way at once. No back and forth. So after my father got all his gifts, it was my brother’s turn. Sister got him a new camera, I got him a RL shirt, and then my mom decides to pop up with her slew of gifts…

Right off the bat she steals the effin’ show. (Note: my mother is WAY out of touch with pop culture.) She excitedly hands him a small well wrapped gift as her first of 4 items. With a huge smile my brother begins violently unwrapping this gift. So I’m like, what the fuck could that be?! I wish I had never asked!

Turns out it was a t-shirt, he opened it with the front facing him. So all I saw was a black t-shirt; until he turned it around. This was the time in which I realized my 29-year old brother had just received a Twilight t-shirt with Edward Cullen’s FACE on the front. It was OVER! My sister hit the floor, dying with laughter. I couldn’t contain my chuckles either, I was belting them out.

The best was my mom’s face when her children were rolling on the floor in laughter after opening her first gift. The funny thing is she was like, “well I thought he would love it, its all the rage these days.” Yeah mom, it might be–for sappy 14-year old teenage girls! Needless to say the latter 3 gifts made up for the first, but that shit was epic.

[Some of you may have heard this before, but this part I saved ONLY for the purpose of this post.]

After my brother got his gifts, my mother got hers and then it was my turn. Brother gave me a nice sweater, sister got me a nice pair of jeans, then it was time to open mom’s gift.

I’m (clearly) already leery about her Christmas contributions but what else can I do, NOT open my mother’s Christmas gifts? As I pick up this tightly wrapped gift I hear my mother chuckle to herself in the corner. At that point I knew it, I KNEW the loss that was coming to smite me. Ripped open the gift and just as I thought–another fucking Twilight shirt. Hello Fail whale! Same shit too! At that point I really had to give her a talking to. Lucky for her she got me some other boss gifts to make up for it.

Christmas was hilare, clearly.

Happy New Year!
-A. Musin

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 15: “Subway Shower”

October 22, 2009 – 12:11 pm

It is approximately 7:43 AM as Musin luckily finds himself a seat on a crowded F train. Not the best seat, but at least I don’t have to stand up at this ungodly hour. *phew.

So while doing a small amount of early-marnin’ people watching, I spy with my four-eyes a very fidgety blond haired dame doing the MOST at this early hour. As in, her movements were so sharp and frantic that I thought she was, well…a hungry crackhead! A hungry crackhead not hungry for food, that is. A hungry crackhead, not hungry for food but instead for crack-cocaine. Get me? Good. This is when I tuned in to the show, “Subway Shower, F train edition.”

She hurriedly forced her coat off her person, then mounted her over sized handbag [overnight bag] on her lap and it was off to the races. She was rummaging through that shit like a bum does a dumpster. You might be wondering, “why would you call it a Train Bath Musin?” Well it’s simple what happened. Here is my take: this girl slept out at (probably) some male friend’s house and was late to get to class so she just got up and ran to the train. Take this as fact for the following reasons:

1) She pulled out her bottle of lady spray and went to work! She sprayed her soul with this misty musk; her soul!

2) She took out a beat up bottle of Poland Spring and took a swig–of water. She then swished the H20 around then swallowed. Poland Spring mouth wash, yup, she did that.

3) Smart girl she is. Right after the gargle and rinse of warm tap water she IMMEDIATELY flung a stick of Winterfresh in her mouth; brilliant! Minty fresh for the day, no? NO! Fail, you nasty mofette.

4) This is when I was sold. After she did everything else this girl dug her left arm to the depths of her bag, uncapped her deodorant, raised the arms and applied–ON THE TRAIN. Now, I’ve seen girls do their make up on the train and that’s alright (I guess), but you can’t tell me that the rubbing of one’s antiperspirant onto their person is OK.

She then went on to do her homework…hm, wonder what she did last night? Freak nasty had time to hit the sheets but not the shower eh? Anti-bueno!

*drops microphone. (yes, we do love to drop the microphone–I knew you were wondering.)

*picks up the microphone; drops it again.

*does the electric slide.

Musin, out!
Long Live AH.

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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random

Balloon Boy: A Ridiculously, Undeserved Nickname

October 15, 2009 – 6:24 pm

Tell me you watched the live coverage of Balloon Boy today.  Don’t break my heart and just tell me you did.  I sat at work, hunkered down in my office, my face only dimly lit by the bluish view from my computer screen rooting on the six year old inside the homemade space craft.

*Errrrreeeeek!  *record comes to a SCREECHING halt.

Let me just bring you up to speed if you a) don’t have Twitter or b) were living under a rock.

Today the news stations were all flustered with a breaking story.  A six year old boy!  Runaway aircraft!  Wait, wait, runaway homemade aircraft that looks like a giant flying saucer! 10,000 feet above the ground!  He was losing control, cameras were following the little spaceship’s every move!  People were flipping the eff out on Twitter.  #Balloonboy became a trending topic on Twitter in like 32.4 seconds and everyone was like, “OMG!  #Balloonboy is not a laughing matter!  He could B dead!!!!”  And I sort of giggled because I was just like, “Musin… Clev… There’s a kid in a BALLOON that looks like a SPACESHIP.  Oh and it’s spiraling out of control over the Rockies.”  And then we all had a good laugh.

But then the unthinkable (and by unthinkable I mean how did we NOT see this coming???) happened and they got the balloon down and no six year old boy popped out.  None at all.  In fact, I was a little nervous when the people were hacking away at the spaceship and I was all THE BOY!  WHAT ABOUT THE BOY INSIDE?! Until I realized, oh hey, he’s not in there.  He’s probably fallen out… SADFACE.

I was really sad.  Mainly for the family because the death of a child, *shudder* is terrible but also because MAN, this story had so much potential for funny.  I laughed allt he way up until there was a lack of boy in the balloon.  In fact, I have several instances I’d like to point out.

1) Exactly what kind of family has a homemade, spare, functioning spaceship just lying around?  I mean, are they in the habit of creating such vehicles?  Is this a side hobby of the family?  Are they in the Real Live Spaceship business?  Spaceships ‘R Us: You dream it, we make it.  (No, you shut up.  If I had a spaceship making business that is totally what I would name it.)

2) How exactly did the conversation go when they realized the kid was missing?  “Oh hey, anyone seen Falco-OH MY GOSH.  He’s floating away in our homemade fully functioning astronaut farmer spacecraft!!  CALL THE GUARD!!!!”  That’s all there is to say about that.

3) The kid’s name is Falcon.  As in the bird.  That flies.  Is anyone else seeing the irony here?

4) Let’s just take a minute to grab some lines from news anchors reporting this debacle…  We all know Shep Smith has uttered my favorite line of all time.  (Wait… Did we not know this?  Short version: Guy runs up while Shep is reporting on Katrina, crazy, drunk guy running around without his shirt on, Shep says, “Sir! Sir!  What are you still doing here?!  Everyone is supposed to be out!”  Crazy, drunk guy screams something about partying with Katrina or something and Shep looks back at the camera, deadly serious and says, “THAT guy’s probably gonna die.”  The end.)  But today an anchor actually looked at the camera and said, “This isn’t the kind of thing we see very often.”

I’m sorry.

What?

VERY OFTEN?!  When have you ever seen a six year old float away in a homemade spaceship?!  That would be NEVER, my friend.  Never.  Not once.  Not last week.  Not since Area 51 was the talk of the town.  Never.

5) And finally, let’s just address the little fact of where Balloon Boy actually was…  After his parents have called out the National Guard or whatever military service they were using.  After CNN has had this kid as their breaking news headline for the majority of the day.  After I have spent the last two hours of my workday glued to my computer screen do we find out… Little Falcon?  He was IN THE ATTIC.

Yeah.

ATTIC.

Probably just hanging out.  Playing army or pretending to be Anne Frank.  I’m not real sure what six year old boys do when their in the attic alone while the rest of the nation worries that they might not be alive any longer.  Wanna know why I’m not so sure?  Because the rest of the entire nation and I were too busy watching the spiraling Jiffy Pop container over the Rockies!  Wondering if the child has already plummeted to his death!  Yeah, that’s what I was doing.  What about you?

Long live AH!  Deuces!

*drops mic….

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Random

Sleeping On The Job

September 23, 2009 – 2:34 pm

Please take a quick second and think as if you were a burglar. Yeah, I know it’s wild but just go for it. Trust me it will be worth it. No! Not like you’re the Ninja Bandit, he was and will always be in a class of his own. [Am I the only one that laughs every time I hear the word ninja (lol)? Can't just be moi]

Ok, so we are on the same page now. Tough guy burglar mind frame ready to go hold a newly wed couple hostage in their home. They surely have bucks that we can run with. Right? Right.

Great, let’s also not forget that we are currently wanted in connection with a homicide and burglaries in THREE states. You got that? Homicide and tri-state burglary! Now we can move forward with this plan we’ve devised for the newly weds. Boom, we’re in. [CUT! *camera pans away to off set commentary]

So listen here folks, I. have no effin’ idea what could’ve happened between here and the outcome of this [true] story. I couldn’t believe it when I read the article. This man’s failure threshold is at an all time high. It’s been reported that this burglar (with the mind frame and charges above) was befriended by the newly weds after forcing his way into the house. As in, they offered the man something to drink, some pillows and a blanket so he could lie down in their bedroom. Well, dig this, hombre FALLS ASLEEP! At that point the “hostages” walk out of the home calmly. Ricky Lauss!

“Family members said they received text messages from the couple while they were inside…”

I don’t know about you but if I’m holding somebody hostage, first rule–no cell phones! This man is an ass. So much so that I feel he deserves to be shot–oh wait, he was! Yup, officers surely left him with one in the upper left chest. His injuries weren’t considered life threatening but if I got shot in my chest because I had a cup of Swiss Miss and fell asleep I would be pissed! Ok, so I’ve fallen asleep before and missed an event, party here and there but no one has ever shot me in the chest for it. This man is a loss collector! If I’m ever winning too much and would like an express loss delivered to me right away, I’m definitely sending this guy a text. Ha!

*sends faux-gold Ricky Lauss of the month award…to his hospital.

A. Musin, out.
Long Live AH!

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