Abso Hilare

It’s safe to say that just about everyone reading this has had Chinese food. Whether it was PF Chang’s or your local neighborhood Kim’s Hunan Oriental Peking Great Wall Dragon Buffet Wok, you’ve had it.  Pardon the name tangent, but apparently I wasn’t the only one who realized how unoriginal these names were; this man did too. Hilare. This man devoted a website that auto generates these jaded (get this one?) Chinese Restaurant name selections. Our personal favorite was “Little Hungry Again in 15 Minutes”)

Moving along, the first time someone hit me with a Chinese menu I was befuddled. A trillion options, how could they possibly have all these things available all the time?

Now, I would say think outside the box next time you take a trip or place an order from your favorite Asian eatery but you don’t have to, it’s clear as day! Chinese food is a hoax, all smoke and mirrors, WOOL!

So here is my beef (puns welcome), let’s narrow it down and say you’d like some chicken for lunch today, sounds fair? Good, chicken it is. Now, lets look into your lunch special options, wait, you may see about 6-8 “different” chicken options but in all reality its probably about TWO real choices and the rest of them are the same two just with different vegetable decorations.  Don’t believe me? Go pick up the closest menu and tell me what you see. Chicken with broccoli, chicken in garlic sauce, chicken in black bean sauce, schezuan chicken, chicken with curry sauce, chicken with eggplant…and so on and so forth.

Its all the same shit! Listen, take my advice, mix it up. I caught onto this trickery by ordering what I thought to be two completely different exquisite meals…little did I know it was just like the other one but with water chestnuts. PMO!

Listen here local China man, stop fooling people, this “diverse menu” trickery has to come to an end. Everything is all the same with different veggies…the jig is up!

ENJOY the Holdiay weekend, I will be having an Usain Bolt party for sure. Oh, and before i go, effnbc!

The other day I skipped to my neighborhood grocer (LIE, but imagine if I really did SKIP all the way from my door, to the elevator, out the elevator to the streets ALL the way to the market, WILD.) In any event, I literally ran in for…damn…I don’t remember, eff. Anyway, it’s not possible that it was more than 5 items.

I walked around the store, picked up my shat (whatever these items were) and firmly planted myself in the express lane.

OK great, I think to myself. Only two people in front of me. I should be out of here in less than no time.

But, no no no (like Destiny’s Child? Boo? *scurries off.) Why is it that the express lines always takes the longest. I’ll tell you why, it’s because of jackasses like these:

Guy at the checkout: This guy is at the checkout with 30 bags of ice and 10 styrofoam cups. 30 BAGS OF ICE. Why would you ever need that much ice and so few cups? This actually wasn’t all his fault. This hold up was caused because the cashier, for 5 solid minutes, contemplated how she was going to ring each bag up seperately. PMO.

Guy directly in front of me: So after the ice fiasco is complete, I think once again, great. This guy in front of me only has 12 eggs, 1 dozen, 1 measly carton of eggs. This HAS to be quick.

Carton whizzes by on the conveyor belt. $2.99 flashes on the screen. Cashier asks for payment. Then this man does the UNTHINKABLE, he…he…he…whips out a checkbook. OH NO SIR. OH NO. Are you really planning on writing a check for these $2.99 eggs. PMTFO. And why…why why why, didn’t you start filling this out as we were waiting on the ice moron.

Uhmmm…I think with this post following the last…this may have to be the first ever (ever) “Old Lady Week” on earth, anywhere. I can’t say I’ve ever seen such a themed week anywhere else, so we have a FIRST! (Please don’t go off googling “old lady week”, I beg of you. Don’t steal my thunder, thanks in advance.)

This lady, right here, is simply out of control.

Ridiculous party of one…ridiculous, party of one. Your table is ready. *80 year old stripper takes seat at one person table.

If this story wasn’t from CNN, I immediately would have thought it was wool. If you chose not to read the above link please see this lil’ snippet I snagged so you could see the slackness the 80 year old stripper said:

“No, no. I’m not ready to hang up my G-string, yet. I’ve got too many fans that would be disappointed.”

*puke.

YOU ARE 80 YEARS OLD LADY! PMO! I’m surprised that g-string doesn’t draw blood betwixt those sandy pancake flat cheeks! I’m certain she’s a fibber. She has too many fans? At 80 I doubt she can even see well enough to know how many people come to the show. I’m certain her hearing is low also, I would even go as far as to say they have to play the music for her set extra loud, hehe. Not nice? Ah well. Tough break.

If I paid to get into a strip club, bought a drink, and then saw you step on stage…there’s a 90 percent chance I’d chug the drink and then take myself outta my misery with said glass. Oh, by doing that I mean throwing it directly at her, ice and all.

But think deeper, just think of little Timmy back home with his mommy. Christmas dinner comes around, the whole family is there…but Timmy wants to know where is Grandma. Timmy she is at work, NAKED! Your 80 year old grandmother who always came to see you in the morning (and only then) and pinched your little red (and now probably infected) cheeks pilfers her wrinkled skin for a living. Merry Christmas Timmy, Merry Christmas.

If old people keep on acting a fool, I will keep posting it. Move along now, nothing else to see here. Lie, plenty more to see, comment and click away.

TEN! We are at the 10th installment of this entertaining Subway Chronicle series. This is a very proud moment for me, I would like to thank Clev, Randy –oh eff it, I will save the dramatics, just know that I’m happy to still be writing and even happier your all are still reading. Thanks to the readers from all over the world (truly) who take time to read AH, much appreciated.

Now, I know I haven’t posted one of these in a while but I didn’t want to mess a good thing up and just post for the sake of posting. So I waited, and waited, and today my eyes landed on this comedic GEM; only fitting for the 10th installment of the Subway Chronicles.

So here I am heading home with head held high after a very productive day. I’m firing away at brickbreaker trying to beat my high score (10550, ha!) while leaning against the train door (I didn’t mean to rhyme, i swear.) Very packed train, folks are filing out little by little stop by stop. Now for the folks that don’t know, 71st and Continental is a very popular stop on the F train, apparently this innocent sweet-heart of an old lady wasn’t fortunate enough to have stumbled upon this post a day earlier.

At this stop a drove of people scurry to exit the train (even forcing me to put my brickbreaker attempts on hold, pmo.) This causes some serious hustle and bustle that the old lady in the back of the line just seemed to NOT realize. “Granny Loss” (as she will be referred to) was the last one to exit the train with both hands filled with the most up to date goodies from the supermarket.

She CAREFULLY peeked out to check the gap between the train car and the platform and JUST LIKE that WHOOOSH! The doors came closing RIGHT on Granny Loss’ shoulders with her head sticking out the other side of the train! At first I could not believe, then, i just could NOT stop laughing, I could NOT contain my chuckle, I couldn’t. Bags fell to the floor and all! I wish you have my view, as I was standing by said door I could see the the part of her that was still on board, and the other half STUCK outside. She was fine though, luckily. I thought she was a goner. (jk! Maybe, perhaps…mayhaps)

When I finally took a seat, I was still laughing while doing the standard peer around the train to see who else was grinning. Bad idea, caught eyes with another female citizen and it was like Medusa with grey hair! I was petrified. RIGHT BACK to brickbreaker, never looked up again until it was my stop. *Phew.

P.S. (Random but funny) One lady comes over to another at my place of employment and says:

Lady 1: Nice wallpaper, but what’s up with the chickens?

Chicken Lady: Oh, i just like them, my family has a farm so we have a whole bunch of chickens back home.

Lady 2: Ohh, I see, I always wondered…

Chicken Lady: Yupp, why? do you think it’s weird?

Lady 1: Oh no, I’m used to that stuff, I had two cocks back home. (*walks off…)

***PAUSE***

EXCUSE ME LADY? Please, Just please clear up those statements before you issue them publicly. THANKS!

(Clev and Randy you are a good set of folks, plenty thanks. Long Live AH!)

Exactly! I know you’re looking at that title and wondering how Clifford made it to absohilare.com. Well, we have funny friends. We have funny friends that have funny things happen to them. We have funny friends that have funny things happen to them that they like to share. We have funny friends…Ok, I guess you get the idea. Here is the latest tale from one of said friends.

******************

The staff here is playing their annual softball game on July 25th and its all the rage. People are picking teams, there are t-shirts and even a draft! The crazies are even going to have practices.

Well, I have decided that I don’t want to play…honestly I am looking for another job and hope to not be here when July 25 rolls around. Plus, its going to be HOT!

I was walking in from lunch and this lady catches me in the hall and that convo went something like this:

Lady: Hi
Me: Hi
Lady: Are you playing in the softball game
Me: Nope
Lady: Why not?!? (looking distressed)
Me: Cause I don’t want to (straight to the point I was)
Lady: oh

After this conversation I left her in the hall and walked back to my desk. I was happy that I put my foot down and gave no excuses. To my dismay, about 35 min later Lady shows up and peeks over my cube.

Lady: Hi
Me: Hey
Lady: Well, since you’re not playing in the softball game do you want to be our mascot? (mind you she says this like she is saving me!)
Me: No
Lady: (silent, just looking at me disappointed)
Me: I’m sorry, I just don’t want to
Lady: OK
Me: I realize I’m being a little anti-social
Lady: I know, why is that?
(I shrug my shoulders to her question)
Me: What is the mascot anyways
Lady: Clifford the Big Red Dog

***PAUSE***

Let’s take a moment here to enter my head to take a look at my thoughts

WHAT? YOU DUMBASS!! WHY WOULD I WANT TO GET INTO A BIG RED DOG SUIT IN THE END OF JULY ON A BASEBALL FIELD!!?? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE??

The worst is she looked at me like 1) i didn’t know what i was missing and 2) i am just not a team player. Mind you, she asked me to be the mascot and just so happened to leave out what the mascot will be. CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG? Is this wild to only me?!

*****PLAY****

Me: WHAT? That’s crazy, do you know how hot it will be in there?
Lady: I know
Me: (Silent, looking at her like she is crazy-because she is)
Lady; Well do you know anyone else that would want to do it
Me: No, can’t say that I do.
Lady: OK well thanks anyways, Maybe I’ll pay my niece 20 bucks to do it

************

I just can’t imagine what goes through people’s heads. Just really grinds my gears, ya know?