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Sleeping On The Job

September 23, 2009 – 2:34 pm

Please take a quick second and think as if you were a burglar. Yeah, I know it’s wild but just go for it. Trust me it will be worth it. No! Not like you’re the Ninja Bandit, he was and will always be in a class of his own. [Am I the only one that laughs every time I hear the word ninja (lol)? Can't just be moi]

Ok, so we are on the same page now. Tough guy burglar mind frame ready to go hold a newly wed couple hostage in their home. They surely have bucks that we can run with. Right? Right.

Great, let’s also not forget that we are currently wanted in connection with a homicide and burglaries in THREE states. You got that? Homicide and tri-state burglary! Now we can move forward with this plan we’ve devised for the newly weds. Boom, we’re in. [CUT! *camera pans away to off set commentary]

So listen here folks, I. have no effin’ idea what could’ve happened between here and the outcome of this [true] story. I couldn’t believe it when I read the article. This man’s failure threshold is at an all time high. It’s been reported that this burglar (with the mind frame and charges above) was befriended by the newly weds after forcing his way into the house. As in, they offered the man something to drink, some pillows and a blanket so he could lie down in their bedroom. Well, dig this, hombre FALLS ASLEEP! At that point the “hostages” walk out of the home calmly. Ricky Lauss!

“Family members said they received text messages from the couple while they were inside…”

I don’t know about you but if I’m holding somebody hostage, first rule–no cell phones! This man is an ass. So much so that I feel he deserves to be shot–oh wait, he was! Yup, officers surely left him with one in the upper left chest. His injuries weren’t considered life threatening but if I got shot in my chest because I had a cup of Swiss Miss and fell asleep I would be pissed! Ok, so I’ve fallen asleep before and missed an event, party here and there but no one has ever shot me in the chest for it. This man is a loss collector! If I’m ever winning too much and would like an express loss delivered to me right away, I’m definitely sending this guy a text. Ha!

*sends faux-gold Ricky Lauss of the month award…to his hospital.

A. Musin, out.
Long Live AH!

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 13: Train Door Fail

May 13, 2009 – 4:00 pm

Now listen, this could easily be one of those “Well I guess you had to be there…” moments but eff it, if I laughed so will you. [*puts on serious face]

This whole scenario all started with what I like to call the “Metromix” [no, not the city guide site - Solidtrip.com is better anyway]. The Metromix is when someone collects one too many metro cards over time and decides to throw them all in one place then play Go Fish when they get to the turnstile; dunces. (Anyone who takes the train often is guilty of doing the Metromix, don’t even lie!) I just save myself the hassle, get a new card!

So this lady is seriously tearing UP the Metromix dancefloor and continually getting denied. She even took a blow to the mid-section when she thought she found “the one” and thrusted forward only to catch a bar to the belly. It’s physics lady, a moving force against an immovable force will surely result in an epic fail. loss

So when my turn comes to swipe, I use my [only] metro card and go about my business (after laughing @ her? Perhaps?). So I wait a few seconds, the train door opens and I get on comfortably and take a seat. Standard there, nothing too different from the usual. I turn on the play list of choice, look up and I see this lady SPRINTING (almost gliding even) down the steps! (*Cue “We Are the Champions”)

Let’s say she was roughly about 4 rungs & 3 steps away from the door. Her face was beyond determined, it reminded me of Usain Bolt on the way to winning his first gold. But, there was no gold for this lady, only metal. The visual of two slowly closing train doors with her face behind the glass, on the wrong side = LOSS! She then went from the Usain Bolt face to the who stole my puppy face. This folks, this is what happens when you try your luck at the Metro-Roulette.

Hm, I’ll leave on that note. Good day!

Oh, Long Live AH!

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A Beard like Chuck Norris

May 7, 2009 – 9:54 am

Yup, one of the better weathered days in NYC today. The sun is now peeking out, things around the office have [somewhat] subsided, I’ve got some new good music to listen to and more importantly, I’ve still got my…Beard. Yes sir, still have the good old cheek fuzz poking out the epidermis. It’s a good day, no complaints here. I must say though, being a new (& proud) member of the Beard family…I wish someone would have told me all the great things that come with having a Beard of your own (As if you could borrow someones Beard, Musin? Foolio)

Things change when you have a Beard and guess what, being the kind Musin I am I’ve prepared my list of ten [10] things that happen once you possess fur like hair of the face.

1) No more Umbrella. Yup, it’s true. It’s been raining for the past 5 or so days here in NY and if it weren’t for the weatherman, I would’ve had no clue. Plus, you have a Beard now, you can’t just go walking around with an umbrella–pansy. Tough it out. Beard > rain.

2) Now that the Beard is in full effect, there is no need to say “you’re welcome”  anymore. It’s true, someone says thank you for a kind duty you have performed, just nod your head and keep it moving. Never let your guard down for that “you’re welcome” weakness, the Beard never lies.

3) In the same light, plenty things no longer even warrant a full verbal response. With this new Beard, comes a new grunt. [Note: I am not sure at all what exactly a grunt is/how it's done/when to do it...but I will grunt] So if you ask me something and you get a grunt with a steely eyed stare, consider it as your response and govern yourself accordingly, punk. [Yup, Beard also does give you massive amounts of tough guy appeal. Bar fight, anyone?]

4) Now all of a sudden these vests/thin coats don’t feel so much like me. I think now that I am the owner of this new Beard I may have to invest in a denim jacket of sorts, or even some flannel print overcoat. Yup, the life of a Bearded man. Please do your best to contain the envy, bald face.

5) Meh, I’ll also be passing on the veggies/salad, maybe even rice too. A lot more hearty meals from now own; that’s what a Bearded man must consume.  Steak, whole chickens, Slabs of ribs, those are the kinda meals we look forward to at any point of the day. Yes, with Beard you can now consume said items for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Fact -  Beard never lies.

6) Clearly those meals (especially the ribs) have a tendency to get a bit messy, gravy and whatnot. Napkin? Fuck no, only the back of my hand will now be suitable to clean such mess. It’s the only way to go, you can’t be caught sporting a rich Beard and pampering your face with Kleenex Ultra Soft tissue.  Wussy.

7) I don’t feel as if I should be up to date with modern technology. I have a Beard now; no need to update Twitter, right? In fact, out with the Blackberry also. Pass me a Bic pen, some  loose leaf paper (couldn’t be caught dead with a notebook, not with Beard) and a Nextel i1000. I’d even opt for a CB radio on the side, it’s what happens man…it’s what happens. [Yes, I do realize that would mean no more updating AH, but clearly this is all fun & jokes…moving along! )

8 ) I will now need a new nickname to go by, something very Beard-esque. I was thinking Bruiser, Hank, Boss, one of those. The choice is yours people.  I’m the one with the Beard so whatever you pick, I can’t lose.

9) Out with the VW Jetta, in with the old-school pickup truck (or motorcycle). Diesel only. Oh, I could never stop in New Jersey for gas because I would definitely get into a fist fight with the punk who tries to pump my gas for me.  Rude.  I have a Beard, I pump my own gas.

10) Clearly even the most bearded of folks have a soft side, so I will be purchasing a pet. Yup, you guessed it, a grizzly bear. So what if they could maul you? Pet must be as bad as owner, grizzly = necessary.

*Bonus: By growing your Beard it automatically makes you half as bad a Chuck Norris. Can’t be equally bad, truth is…no one is as bad as Chuck Norris. He can kill two stones with one bird, you know.

chuck-is-boss

Grow your Beard, follow the above and enjoy your life.

Musin, OUT!

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Random Subway Chronicles

AbsoHilare Covers Swine Flu

April 29, 2009 – 2:54 pm

So,

Unless you live under a huge pebble (*washes hands), you’ve heard about the flu de swine (*washes hands). Scary shit, I know. So scary that I even pondered sporting a MASK home (*washes hands) due to the fact that I take the Subway. But, as I thought about it further I realized that not only would being the only person on the train (*washes hands) with a MASK make me resemble that of a gargantuan douche bag (*washes hands), but people would probably also think that I was actually infected with said Oink Flu.

(*washes hands)

I’m not sure why but it’s the people with the masks that I see and worry about. Though a good idea to prepare yourself, I don’t think I will go with it just yet. Speaking of being prepared (*washes hands), I know a of a certain someone who once redefined being prepared for a certain situation. Itty, care to speak on this?

Well THAT’S not putting me on the spot or anything…  [Oh, Itty here.] I just happen to be afraid of unknown viruses and words like “pandemic.”  Is there anything so wrong with that???  Have you all not ever seen “Outbreak?!”  Dude, Patrick Dempsey does NOT fare well.  (Umm… Spoiler?)  Anyways, I always imagine that the first case of any new virus found in my small town will immediately result in the government quarantining the entire city and secretly planning to blow us all up and thus, solving the problem of the virus.  Things were no different when the Bird Flu came about in 2005.

It was all over the news and people were dropping like flies.  (Much like “The Golden Girls” these days… R.I.P. Dorothy…)  The usual scenarios start playing in my head.. Me being dragged away from my family telling them to be strong and I would be back in no time, all the while KNOWING I was about to bite it.  Stuff like this gets to me.  So, that’s when I tell my ex that we have to start a secret stash…  I don’t know what came over me in the next few days but I started stockpiling every non-perishable item I could get my hands on.  All of it…under the guest bed.  I mean, I was SERIOUS.  No bird flu was going to starve me out!  I was going to be prepared and every couple days I’d shove more bottled water or Ramen or cans of soup under the bed just waiting for the announcement to be made.  The one telling me I was on LOCKDOWN…

Well, as we all know that announcement never came.  So eventually I stopped the craziness and went about my every day life.  Until one night we had some friends over to help us move the furniture in order to get the carpets cleaned.   Things were going well until we got to the guest room.  That’s when I realized I had forgotten about my emergency rations under the bed and at this point it was entirely too late to do anything about it now.  They were in mid-move with the mattress.

There was an audible gasp when they saw it.  My secret had been exposed!

Everyone stopped and stared at me in silence.  Imagine how someone would look at you if they just found out you were addicted to something like clown po*rn.  Ok, now take that look and place it on my friends staring at me in the room.  Finally, Colleen, (Musin and I lovingly refer to her as Cleen) speakes up…

“Itty!  What is this?!”

*kicks rocks, looks down at the ground in shame, all the while my face is turning red…

“It’s… It’s my emergency food should the Bird Flu become a pandemic.  In case I had to be quarantined in my house…”

So, you know, I come prepared…  That’s the story.  Nothing more to see here… Move it right along.  And don’t forget your complimentary face masks.

[Musin here] And wash your hands (*washes hands) for it will help us all!

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