Tag Archives: absohilare

Officer Failure to the Rescue

Alright, so I know it has been quite some time since I’ve updated the good ole’ AH but it has been (and still is) really hectic on this side of the fence.

This post is actually very drive-by-esque, quick & effective. No, I have not played any part in a drive-by so don’t even start looking for your gavel, “judge [insert last name here]“. Anyways, this past weekend a close collegiate colleague of mine played witness to some random hilarity and was kind enough to share with me. With that said, I decided to share with you all. After all, sharing is caring mofo.

At first, just looking at this picture I laughed. After hearing the story of the words attached to this image I was near tears. In truth, it was M. Randy who called me directly to discuss the madness. You know shit is a big deal when someone actually picks up the phone and makes a call, you just know it. After offering up a long stare at the image I couldn’t [at all] guess what this cop was saying to this incapacitated Mexican. The body language was just all too confusing. So, with that said, I went ahead and guessed a few possible options…I think these are all quite plausible:

1) “Hey bro, are you alright?”
2) “Have you ever seen Machete?”
3) “Better yet, do you own a Machete? I’m just asking.”
4) “Almost there buddy, you were 3 steps away from Corona heaven.”
5) “Marco…”
6) “What’s the big idea with the hat? Is that some cross-border trend or are you trying to block the sun? If trend, please keep it over yonder.”
7) “Ha! Guess they didn’t teach you how to say ‘Don’t tase me bro’ in your local ESL class.”

Believe it or not, all of the above guesses were incorrect. Pmo. Here’s what the fuzz actually said: “Hombre, hombre…how many cervezas?” LOL! As you could probably guess, there was no response from our hat wearing corona-seeking friend. Oh come on! Who really thought it was a coincidence that there’s a lifetime supply of Corona in the background? Not I. Nor did you. The best part is, after not getting any response from this probably unconscious man the officer went on to say what? Oh you guessed it: “Hombre, hombre….how many cervezas?” That is all he said to this man, that’s the best you could do Officer? #polociafail.

-A. Musin
Long Live AH!

If Facebook Existed Ages Ago…

[Tone: calm]

Folks, please realize that I plow through mounds of e-bullshit on a daily basis. Whether it be someone’s favorite the stupidest YouTube clip of the day, some dumb BlackBerry Messenger purple fuckry forward, or some lazy chain e-mail–it comes my way often, very much so.

Well, this time we have a winner! I wish I knew who came up with these screen-shots filled with brilliance but unfortunately I do not. If you do know who put these things together, please don’t hesitate to let us know.

Now, please see below for a slew of screen-shots that almost made me laugh my way out of a job earlier on today. Also, while you’re here, if you are a Family Guy fan do yourself the favor of clicking here: YouTube can be alright sometimes, especially when it has classic Family Guy clips. Don’t judge me.

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Oh You Fancy, Huh?

Background: It was Easter Sunday. The end.

Oh come on! Don’t be surprised, you already know you don’t need any more background information than that. The world knows that Easter Sunday is when you can expect to see the most efforts in fanciness that your mind can fathom. This happens because this is when the folks that never come to church decide to show up for the “holiday-blessings”. I’m certain you are familiar with their kind; the people that show up on Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Years if they feel like it. The New Year effort is to attempt to start of the year fresh; sin-free even. The reason these people look so foolish at the service is because of one of the two following things:

1) They do not own many suits or clothing acceptable for the house of Baby Jesus.
2) They own plenty suits, unfortunately all from their disco days. (Note: this options yields the most hilarity)

Now I can’t honestly say I have the slightest clue where this man found his inspiration to throw together this ensemble but without further adieu I present to you one of the most fancy failures in Easter Sunday History:

oh you fancy huh? tie done. tie done. everything did.

"oh you fancy huh? tie done. tie done. everything did."

THIS SHIT IS WILD! What do you think he was thinking? How does one adequately define the expression on this man’s face? The best I  could come up with is comfortably awkward.

I now leave the floor open for captions for this man’s outfit. I had a ton of them attack the forefront of my mind all at once.

“I didn’t know which one to wear so I wore both.”
“I didn’t know which one I liked more; it was a tie.”
“Close knotted race, on my chest area.”
“You like this? Knot me.”

Alright I’m going to stop here. Take it away.

p.s. A friend of mine took this pic and I seriously have no idea how it came out this clear. I would’ve been laughing so hard the image clarity would have been poor at best.

Long Live AH!

Of Course This is a Person.

I know, the site hasn’t been updated in a while but fret not–we are still here & still stirring up hilarity. See proof below.

Now, this has to be is certainly one of the top ten most ridiculous things I’ve ever read in my life; and I see a plenty o’ ridic shite on the reg. Hm, remember when people used to say that? “On the reg”, what ever happened to that one? Ah well, *moves on.

For the folks reading that are not familiar with the HOV lane, it’s a lane reserved for cars on busy highways carrying 2 or more persons. These vehicles are considered to be High Occupancy Vehicles (HOV). Thus, if you are the only one in your car, stay the eff out of that lane. Got it? Good. Now that you’ve digested that tidbit please see image below displaying the highest heights of fuckry:

dunce.

dunce.

Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. That actually IS a mannequin sporting a blazer, scarf and sunglasses. Very storefront display-esque, too bad it was nowhere near a storefront but actually in some scallywag’s passenger seat! This immediately lends me the opportunity to inquire, “what part of the game is this?” Are you that stupid or were you just that late? Or, are you actually a high-level functioning retard? I bet you this was something she did on the reg (I believe people should still use this) too. Silly mofette.

[For those who aren't aware, a "mofette" is the female version of a mofo. Just wanted everyone to be on the same page.]

This whole scenario has opened my mind to a slew of even more ridiculous mannequin related faux-passenger scenarios:

1) Does “it” have a name?
2) Does she change the faux-passenger’s style to be in season? Meaning, does “it” wear t-shirts in the summer? Winter jackets when it snows? Hilare, hilare.
3) What does she do with it when she gets to her destination? Imagine this car with said mannequin arriving at work; does everyone just see it and keep it moving? Hell no!
4) What happens at stop lights? Oh, loss.
5) What would happen if she got pulled over by the police–oh shit! We have that answer! I’ll take “how to get a ridiculous ticket for $2000 Alex?” *buzzer sounds* “Daily Double!”

Just in case you think there was only one idiot foolish enough to attempt this, think again: Mega-Dunce. The best part about this article is the note reading, “As for his passenger, well, he’s not talking either.” Hilare.

P.s. Happy 70th Birthday, Chuck Norris!

Good day!
-A. Musin.

Subway Chronicles Pt. 15: “Subway Shower”

It is approximately 7:43 AM as Musin luckily finds himself a seat on a crowded F train. Not the best seat, but at least I don’t have to stand up at this ungodly hour. *phew.

So while doing a small amount of early-marnin’ people watching, I spy with my four-eyes a very fidgety blond haired dame doing the MOST at this early hour. As in, her movements were so sharp and frantic that I thought she was, well…a hungry crackhead! A hungry crackhead not hungry for food, that is. A hungry crackhead, not hungry for food but instead for crack-cocaine. Get me? Good. This is when I tuned in to the show, “Subway Shower, F train edition.”

She hurriedly forced her coat off her person, then mounted her over sized handbag [overnight bag] on her lap and it was off to the races. She was rummaging through that shit like a bum does a dumpster. You might be wondering, “why would you call it a Train Bath Musin?” Well it’s simple what happened. Here is my take: this girl slept out at (probably) some male friend’s house and was late to get to class so she just got up and ran to the train. Take this as fact for the following reasons:

1) She pulled out her bottle of lady spray and went to work! She sprayed her soul with this misty musk; her soul!

2) She took out a beat up bottle of Poland Spring and took a swig–of water. She then swished the H20 around then swallowed. Poland Spring mouth wash, yup, she did that.

3) Smart girl she is. Right after the gargle and rinse of warm tap water she IMMEDIATELY flung a stick of Winterfresh in her mouth; brilliant! Minty fresh for the day, no? NO! Fail, you nasty mofette.

4) This is when I was sold. After she did everything else this girl dug her left arm to the depths of her bag, uncapped her deodorant, raised the arms and applied–ON THE TRAIN. Now, I’ve seen girls do their make up on the train and that’s alright (I guess), but you can’t tell me that the rubbing of one’s antiperspirant onto their person is OK.

She then went on to do her homework…hm, wonder what she did last night? Freak nasty had time to hit the sheets but not the shower eh? Anti-bueno!

*drops microphone. (yes, we do love to drop the microphone–I knew you were wondering.)

*picks up the microphone; drops it again.

*does the electric slide.

Musin, out!
Long Live AH.