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About us Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 13: Train Door Fail

May 13, 2009 – 4:00 pm

Now listen, this could easily be one of those “Well I guess you had to be there…” moments but eff it, if I laughed so will you. [*puts on serious face]

This whole scenario all started with what I like to call the “Metromix” [no, not the city guide site - Solidtrip.com is better anyway]. The Metromix is when someone collects one too many metro cards over time and decides to throw them all in one place then play Go Fish when they get to the turnstile; dunces. (Anyone who takes the train often is guilty of doing the Metromix, don’t even lie!) I just save myself the hassle, get a new card!

So this lady is seriously tearing UP the Metromix dancefloor and continually getting denied. She even took a blow to the mid-section when she thought she found “the one” and thrusted forward only to catch a bar to the belly. It’s physics lady, a moving force against an immovable force will surely result in an epic fail. loss

So when my turn comes to swipe, I use my [only] metro card and go about my business (after laughing @ her? Perhaps?). So I wait a few seconds, the train door opens and I get on comfortably and take a seat. Standard there, nothing too different from the usual. I turn on the play list of choice, look up and I see this lady SPRINTING (almost gliding even) down the steps! (*Cue “We Are the Champions”)

Let’s say she was roughly about 4 rungs & 3 steps away from the door. Her face was beyond determined, it reminded me of Usain Bolt on the way to winning his first gold. But, there was no gold for this lady, only metal. The visual of two slowly closing train doors with her face behind the glass, on the wrong side = LOSS! She then went from the Usain Bolt face to the who stole my puppy face. This folks, this is what happens when you try your luck at the Metro-Roulette.

Hm, I’ll leave on that note. Good day!

Oh, Long Live AH!

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About us Garb Random Subway Chronicles

A Beard like Chuck Norris

May 7, 2009 – 9:54 am

Yup, one of the better weathered days in NYC today. The sun is now peeking out, things around the office have [somewhat] subsided, I’ve got some new good music to listen to and more importantly, I’ve still got my…Beard. Yes sir, still have the good old cheek fuzz poking out the epidermis. It’s a good day, no complaints here. I must say though, being a new (& proud) member of the Beard family…I wish someone would have told me all the great things that come with having a Beard of your own (As if you could borrow someones Beard, Musin? Foolio)

Things change when you have a Beard and guess what, being the kind Musin I am I’ve prepared my list of ten [10] things that happen once you possess fur like hair of the face.

1) No more Umbrella. Yup, it’s true. It’s been raining for the past 5 or so days here in NY and if it weren’t for the weatherman, I would’ve had no clue. Plus, you have a Beard now, you can’t just go walking around with an umbrella–pansy. Tough it out. Beard > rain.

2) Now that the Beard is in full effect, there is no need to say “you’re welcome”  anymore. It’s true, someone says thank you for a kind duty you have performed, just nod your head and keep it moving. Never let your guard down for that “you’re welcome” weakness, the Beard never lies.

3) In the same light, plenty things no longer even warrant a full verbal response. With this new Beard, comes a new grunt. [Note: I am not sure at all what exactly a grunt is/how it's done/when to do it...but I will grunt] So if you ask me something and you get a grunt with a steely eyed stare, consider it as your response and govern yourself accordingly, punk. [Yup, Beard also does give you massive amounts of tough guy appeal. Bar fight, anyone?]

4) Now all of a sudden these vests/thin coats don’t feel so much like me. I think now that I am the owner of this new Beard I may have to invest in a denim jacket of sorts, or even some flannel print overcoat. Yup, the life of a Bearded man. Please do your best to contain the envy, bald face.

5) Meh, I’ll also be passing on the veggies/salad, maybe even rice too. A lot more hearty meals from now own; that’s what a Bearded man must consume.  Steak, whole chickens, Slabs of ribs, those are the kinda meals we look forward to at any point of the day. Yes, with Beard you can now consume said items for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Fact -  Beard never lies.

6) Clearly those meals (especially the ribs) have a tendency to get a bit messy, gravy and whatnot. Napkin? Fuck no, only the back of my hand will now be suitable to clean such mess. It’s the only way to go, you can’t be caught sporting a rich Beard and pampering your face with Kleenex Ultra Soft tissue.  Wussy.

7) I don’t feel as if I should be up to date with modern technology. I have a Beard now; no need to update Twitter, right? In fact, out with the Blackberry also. Pass me a Bic pen, some  loose leaf paper (couldn’t be caught dead with a notebook, not with Beard) and a Nextel i1000. I’d even opt for a CB radio on the side, it’s what happens man…it’s what happens. [Yes, I do realize that would mean no more updating AH, but clearly this is all fun & jokes…moving along! )

8 ) I will now need a new nickname to go by, something very Beard-esque. I was thinking Bruiser, Hank, Boss, one of those. The choice is yours people.  I’m the one with the Beard so whatever you pick, I can’t lose.

9) Out with the VW Jetta, in with the old-school pickup truck (or motorcycle). Diesel only. Oh, I could never stop in New Jersey for gas because I would definitely get into a fist fight with the punk who tries to pump my gas for me.  Rude.  I have a Beard, I pump my own gas.

10) Clearly even the most bearded of folks have a soft side, so I will be purchasing a pet. Yup, you guessed it, a grizzly bear. So what if they could maul you? Pet must be as bad as owner, grizzly = necessary.

*Bonus: By growing your Beard it automatically makes you half as bad a Chuck Norris. Can’t be equally bad, truth is…no one is as bad as Chuck Norris. He can kill two stones with one bird, you know.

chuck-is-boss

Grow your Beard, follow the above and enjoy your life.

Musin, OUT!

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Random Subway Chronicles

AbsoHilare Covers Swine Flu

April 29, 2009 – 2:54 pm

So,

Unless you live under a huge pebble (*washes hands), you’ve heard about the flu de swine (*washes hands). Scary shit, I know. So scary that I even pondered sporting a MASK home (*washes hands) due to the fact that I take the Subway. But, as I thought about it further I realized that not only would being the only person on the train (*washes hands) with a MASK make me resemble that of a gargantuan douche bag (*washes hands), but people would probably also think that I was actually infected with said Oink Flu.

(*washes hands)

I’m not sure why but it’s the people with the masks that I see and worry about. Though a good idea to prepare yourself, I don’t think I will go with it just yet. Speaking of being prepared (*washes hands), I know a of a certain someone who once redefined being prepared for a certain situation. Itty, care to speak on this?

Well THAT’S not putting me on the spot or anything…  [Oh, Itty here.] I just happen to be afraid of unknown viruses and words like “pandemic.”  Is there anything so wrong with that???  Have you all not ever seen “Outbreak?!”  Dude, Patrick Dempsey does NOT fare well.  (Umm… Spoiler?)  Anyways, I always imagine that the first case of any new virus found in my small town will immediately result in the government quarantining the entire city and secretly planning to blow us all up and thus, solving the problem of the virus.  Things were no different when the Bird Flu came about in 2005.

It was all over the news and people were dropping like flies.  (Much like “The Golden Girls” these days… R.I.P. Dorothy…)  The usual scenarios start playing in my head.. Me being dragged away from my family telling them to be strong and I would be back in no time, all the while KNOWING I was about to bite it.  Stuff like this gets to me.  So, that’s when I tell my ex that we have to start a secret stash…  I don’t know what came over me in the next few days but I started stockpiling every non-perishable item I could get my hands on.  All of it…under the guest bed.  I mean, I was SERIOUS.  No bird flu was going to starve me out!  I was going to be prepared and every couple days I’d shove more bottled water or Ramen or cans of soup under the bed just waiting for the announcement to be made.  The one telling me I was on LOCKDOWN…

Well, as we all know that announcement never came.  So eventually I stopped the craziness and went about my every day life.  Until one night we had some friends over to help us move the furniture in order to get the carpets cleaned.   Things were going well until we got to the guest room.  That’s when I realized I had forgotten about my emergency rations under the bed and at this point it was entirely too late to do anything about it now.  They were in mid-move with the mattress.

There was an audible gasp when they saw it.  My secret had been exposed!

Everyone stopped and stared at me in silence.  Imagine how someone would look at you if they just found out you were addicted to something like clown po*rn.  Ok, now take that look and place it on my friends staring at me in the room.  Finally, Colleen, (Musin and I lovingly refer to her as Cleen) speakes up…

“Itty!  What is this?!”

*kicks rocks, looks down at the ground in shame, all the while my face is turning red…

“It’s… It’s my emergency food should the Bird Flu become a pandemic.  In case I had to be quarantined in my house…”

So, you know, I come prepared…  That’s the story.  Nothing more to see here… Move it right along.  And don’t forget your complimentary face masks.

[Musin here] And wash your hands (*washes hands) for it will help us all!

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About us Nine to Five Random

Too early to be so effin’ chipper…

April 17, 2009 – 11:39 am

You know how at Starbucks the employees working the drive-thru are required to make small-talk with you while you wait for your drink?  Oh.  You didn’t?  Well, they are.  And it annoys me.  I’m rarely at Starbucks other than in the morning… It’s my jumpstart, my little kick to start my day.  A delicious, grande non-fat cinnamon dolce latte WITH the whip cream, thankyouverymuch.  Before I get that little jolt of energy, I”m not in the mood to talk.  Therefore, logic would bring us to determine that I am NOT in the mood to chat while I’m waiting for my drink.

Logic would be correct.

I’m not a big fan of morning people anyways.   Are you a morning person?  Sorry… It annoys me that you’re this happy to be up so early in the morning.  It annoys me that you don’t want to still be snuggled up in bed  and it REALLY annoys me that you’re so chatty where as I am still trying to wrap my brain around being up so early.  I don’t like to talk.  So, no, Mr. Starbucks, I don’t want to tell you my plans for the day!

Today, though, I had the most cheerful person on the planet.  Perhaps, he was sent from God to make me learn a lesson.  To learn a lesson on how to be nicer or, I dunno, more of a morning person.  Either way… I don’t think the lesson worked.  I pull up to the window and I had made the unfortunate mistake of ordering one of their new breakfast sandwiches so I had to wait even LONGER than normal, thus giving me more time to chat it up with the guy at the window.  I tried to phone a friend (Why, yes, I did watch “Slumdog Millionaire” last night… What of it?!) but to no avail.  I was stuck.  Stuck in the midst of awkward conversation…

Him: Headed to work?

Me: Unfortunately.

Him: Oh come on.  Work gives us a reason to get out of bed every morning!

Me: I’m pretty sure I still would have woken up even if I didn’t have to be at work…

Him: (Staring dreamily off into the distance) Yeah, I guess I”m one of the lucky ones.  One of those people who found what they love to do and are good at it so early in life…  I get to wake up every morning, come to work, make people happy and come home.

Me: BLANK STARE

I mean, REALLY???  You’re trying to tell me that being a barista (which, come ON… fancy word for coffee-maker…) is your calling in life?  You were DESTINED to work at Starbucks???  And what do you mean “make people happy?!”  You don’t save lives!  You make coffee!  You don’t provide any sort of profound wisdom that wouldn’t otherwise be bestowed upon us!  YOU MAKE COFFEE.

Imagine if he continued on about his love for brewing & pouring said coffee, then even breaking out a Starbucks Coffee Barista Certification document–preferably a certificate. Chances are I would give him a pep talk then & there that sounds a bit like this:

“You know, guy, you really do have the world at your coffee-brewing fingertips.  Just think… If you keep it up, you’re going to make it to manager and then one day, if you stick with it, maybe even a franchise owner…  And THEN if that happens you could only do one other thing that would be fitting and that would be… TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HAAA!”

[*Continues evil laugh while jumping through the window and knocking over pot after pot of what he said was his "special perfect blend". Eff your brew, get a life!]

Alas, I gave the guy my credit card for payment and peeled out of the parking lot.  I’ll take my coffe with a side of relax this morning.  ‘Preciate it.

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