Tag Archives: fail

Officer Failure to the Rescue

Alright, so I know it has been quite some time since I’ve updated the good ole’ AH but it has been (and still is) really hectic on this side of the fence.

This post is actually very drive-by-esque, quick & effective. No, I have not played any part in a drive-by so don’t even start looking for your gavel, “judge [insert last name here]“. Anyways, this past weekend a close collegiate colleague of mine played witness to some random hilarity and was kind enough to share with me. With that said, I decided to share with you all. After all, sharing is caring mofo.

At first, just looking at this picture I laughed. After hearing the story of the words attached to this image I was near tears. In truth, it was M. Randy who called me directly to discuss the madness. You know shit is a big deal when someone actually picks up the phone and makes a call, you just know it. After offering up a long stare at the image I couldn’t [at all] guess what this cop was saying to this incapacitated Mexican. The body language was just all too confusing. So, with that said, I went ahead and guessed a few possible options…I think these are all quite plausible:

1) “Hey bro, are you alright?”
2) “Have you ever seen Machete?”
3) “Better yet, do you own a Machete? I’m just asking.”
4) “Almost there buddy, you were 3 steps away from Corona heaven.”
5) “Marco…”
6) “What’s the big idea with the hat? Is that some cross-border trend or are you trying to block the sun? If trend, please keep it over yonder.”
7) “Ha! Guess they didn’t teach you how to say ‘Don’t tase me bro’ in your local ESL class.”

Believe it or not, all of the above guesses were incorrect. Pmo. Here’s what the fuzz actually said: “Hombre, hombre…how many cervezas?” LOL! As you could probably guess, there was no response from our hat wearing corona-seeking friend. Oh come on! Who really thought it was a coincidence that there’s a lifetime supply of Corona in the background? Not I. Nor did you. The best part is, after not getting any response from this probably unconscious man the officer went on to say what? Oh you guessed it: “Hombre, hombre….how many cervezas?” That is all he said to this man, that’s the best you could do Officer? #polociafail.

-A. Musin
Long Live AH!

An AbsoHilare Christmas

‘Twas the morning of Christmas and all was jolly in the halls of the Clarke household. Everyone had just consumed a solid breakfast and it was now time to open the gifts. I came prepared this year, top notch gifts for the family members across the board. *pats self on back.

The way it works is like this, whoever is getting the gifts gets all their gifts at once. Example, if Its “my turn”, I get all my shit from everyone then and there. Less confusion and it gets it all out the way at once. No back and forth. So after my father got all his gifts, it was my brother’s turn. Sister got him a new camera, I got him a RL shirt, and then my mom decides to pop up with her slew of gifts…

Right off the bat she steals the effin’ show. (Note: my mother is WAY out of touch with pop culture.) She excitedly hands him a small well wrapped gift as her first of 4 items. With a huge smile my brother begins violently unwrapping this gift. So I’m like, what the fuck could that be?! I wish I had never asked!

Turns out it was a t-shirt, he opened it with the front facing him. So all I saw was a black t-shirt; until he turned it around. This was the time in which I realized my 29-year old brother had just received a Twilight t-shirt with Edward Cullen’s FACE on the front. It was OVER! My sister hit the floor, dying with laughter. I couldn’t contain my chuckles either, I was belting them out.

The best was my mom’s face when her children were rolling on the floor in laughter after opening her first gift. The funny thing is she was like, “well I thought he would love it, its all the rage these days.” Yeah mom, it might be–for sappy 14-year old teenage girls! Needless to say the latter 3 gifts made up for the first, but that shit was epic.

[Some of you may have heard this before, but this part I saved ONLY for the purpose of this post.]

After my brother got his gifts, my mother got hers and then it was my turn. Brother gave me a nice sweater, sister got me a nice pair of jeans, then it was time to open mom’s gift.

I’m (clearly) already leery about her Christmas contributions but what else can I do, NOT open my mother’s Christmas gifts? As I pick up this tightly wrapped gift I hear my mother chuckle to herself in the corner. At that point I knew it, I KNEW the loss that was coming to smite me. Ripped open the gift and just as I thought–another fucking Twilight shirt. Hello Fail whale! Same shit too! At that point I really had to give her a talking to. Lucky for her she got me some other boss gifts to make up for it.

Christmas was hilare, clearly.

Happy New Year!
-A. Musin

Sleeping On The Job

Please take a quick second and think as if you were a burglar. Yeah, I know it’s wild but just go for it. Trust me it will be worth it. No! Not like you’re the Ninja Bandit, he was and will always be in a class of his own. [Am I the only one that laughs every time I hear the word ninja (lol)? Can't just be moi]

Ok, so we are on the same page now. Tough guy burglar mind frame ready to go hold a newly wed couple hostage in their home. They surely have bucks that we can run with. Right? Right.

Great, let’s also not forget that we are currently wanted in connection with a homicide and burglaries in THREE states. You got that? Homicide and tri-state burglary! Now we can move forward with this plan we’ve devised for the newly weds. Boom, we’re in. [CUT! *camera pans away to off set commentary]

So listen here folks, I. have no effin’ idea what could’ve happened between here and the outcome of this [true] story. I couldn’t believe it when I read the article. This man’s failure threshold is at an all time high. It’s been reported that this burglar (with the mind frame and charges above) was befriended by the newly weds after forcing his way into the house. As in, they offered the man something to drink, some pillows and a blanket so he could lie down in their bedroom. Well, dig this, hombre FALLS ASLEEP! At that point the “hostages” walk out of the home calmly. Ricky Lauss!

“Family members said they received text messages from the couple while they were inside…”

I don’t know about you but if I’m holding somebody hostage, first rule–no cell phones! This man is an ass. So much so that I feel he deserves to be shot–oh wait, he was! Yup, officers surely left him with one in the upper left chest. His injuries weren’t considered life threatening but if I got shot in my chest because I had a cup of Swiss Miss and fell asleep I would be pissed! Ok, so I’ve fallen asleep before and missed an event, party here and there but no one has ever shot me in the chest for it. This man is a loss collector! If I’m ever winning too much and would like an express loss delivered to me right away, I’m definitely sending this guy a text. Ha!

*sends faux-gold Ricky Lauss of the month award…to his hospital.

A. Musin, out.
Long Live AH!

Subway Chronicles Pt. 14 “Train Fails”

I know I know…the posts have somewhat decreased but fret not young world, AH is still very much alive and well. Team is doing well, work just kicks THE most arse this summer. Yarr.

So over the past few weeks I’ve seen a few chucklers on the good ole’ iron horse but I wanted to compile a list of hilarity to deliver all at once. Well, what are you waiting for, see list below:

1) The F train stops at 71st Street to do the most intense transfer [blatant hyperbole] known to man. People are flying in and out of this train trying to scramble to catch the next. So this older chubby dude was the last to attempt the switch; his face meeting only the soon closing doors. With one last burst of energy he forced one arm in and lodged his shoulder in the door. Wild already. So he then pulls some Hulk shit and rips open the door of the train. With grease stains and all Captain Rotund finally lands his first foot through the now open door. AS he THINKS to lift the other leg to make the big walk in comes the NYPD, “excuse me sir, get off the damn train and show me some ID.” Yea, fail! read more »