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Abso Ridic Couldn't Make This Up Random Subway Chronicles

Subway Chronicles Pt. 15: “Subway Shower”

October 22, 2009 – 12:11 pm

It is approximately 7:43 AM as Musin luckily finds himself a seat on a crowded F train. Not the best seat, but at least I don’t have to stand up at this ungodly hour. *phew.

So while doing a small amount of early-marnin’ people watching, I spy with my four-eyes a very fidgety blond haired dame doing the MOST at this early hour. As in, her movements were so sharp and frantic that I thought she was, well…a hungry crackhead! A hungry crackhead not hungry for food, that is. A hungry crackhead, not hungry for food but instead for crack-cocaine. Get me? Good. This is when I tuned in to the show, “Subway Shower, F train edition.”

She hurriedly forced her coat off her person, then mounted her over sized handbag [overnight bag] on her lap and it was off to the races. She was rummaging through that shit like a bum does a dumpster. You might be wondering, “why would you call it a Train Bath Musin?” Well it’s simple what happened. Here is my take: this girl slept out at (probably) some male friend’s house and was late to get to class so she just got up and ran to the train. Take this as fact for the following reasons:

1) She pulled out her bottle of lady spray and went to work! She sprayed her soul with this misty musk; her soul!

2) She took out a beat up bottle of Poland Spring and took a swig–of water. She then swished the H20 around then swallowed. Poland Spring mouth wash, yup, she did that.

3) Smart girl she is. Right after the gargle and rinse of warm tap water she IMMEDIATELY flung a stick of Winterfresh in her mouth; brilliant! Minty fresh for the day, no? NO! Fail, you nasty mofette.

4) This is when I was sold. After she did everything else this girl dug her left arm to the depths of her bag, uncapped her deodorant, raised the arms and applied–ON THE TRAIN. Now, I’ve seen girls do their make up on the train and that’s alright (I guess), but you can’t tell me that the rubbing of one’s antiperspirant onto their person is OK.

She then went on to do her homework…hm, wonder what she did last night? Freak nasty had time to hit the sheets but not the shower eh? Anti-bueno!

*drops microphone. (yes, we do love to drop the microphone–I knew you were wondering.)

*picks up the microphone; drops it again.

*does the electric slide.

Musin, out!
Long Live AH.

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 14 “Train Fails”

September 4, 2009 – 11:55 am

I know I know…the posts have somewhat decreased but fret not young world, AH is still very much alive and well. Team is doing well, work just kicks THE most arse this summer. Yarr.

So over the past few weeks I’ve seen a few chucklers on the good ole’ iron horse but I wanted to compile a list of hilarity to deliver all at once. Well, what are you waiting for, see list below:

1) The F train stops at 71st Street to do the most intense transfer [blatant hyperbole] known to man. People are flying in and out of this train trying to scramble to catch the next. So this older chubby dude was the last to attempt the switch; his face meeting only the soon closing doors. With one last burst of energy he forced one arm in and lodged his shoulder in the door. Wild already. So he then pulls some Hulk shit and rips open the door of the train. With grease stains and all Captain Rotund finally lands his first foot through the now open door. AS he THINKS to lift the other leg to make the big walk in comes the NYPD, “excuse me sir, get off the damn train and show me some ID.” Yea, fail! read more »

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 13: Train Door Fail

May 13, 2009 – 4:00 pm

Now listen, this could easily be one of those “Well I guess you had to be there…” moments but eff it, if I laughed so will you. [*puts on serious face]

This whole scenario all started with what I like to call the “Metromix” [no, not the city guide site - Solidtrip.com is better anyway]. The Metromix is when someone collects one too many metro cards over time and decides to throw them all in one place then play Go Fish when they get to the turnstile; dunces. (Anyone who takes the train often is guilty of doing the Metromix, don’t even lie!) I just save myself the hassle, get a new card!

So this lady is seriously tearing UP the Metromix dancefloor and continually getting denied. She even took a blow to the mid-section when she thought she found “the one” and thrusted forward only to catch a bar to the belly. It’s physics lady, a moving force against an immovable force will surely result in an epic fail. loss

So when my turn comes to swipe, I use my [only] metro card and go about my business (after laughing @ her? Perhaps?). So I wait a few seconds, the train door opens and I get on comfortably and take a seat. Standard there, nothing too different from the usual. I turn on the play list of choice, look up and I see this lady SPRINTING (almost gliding even) down the steps! (*Cue “We Are the Champions”)

Let’s say she was roughly about 4 rungs & 3 steps away from the door. Her face was beyond determined, it reminded me of Usain Bolt on the way to winning his first gold. But, there was no gold for this lady, only metal. The visual of two slowly closing train doors with her face behind the glass, on the wrong side = LOSS! She then went from the Usain Bolt face to the who stole my puppy face. This folks, this is what happens when you try your luck at the Metro-Roulette.

Hm, I’ll leave on that note. Good day!

Oh, Long Live AH!

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Subway Chronicles Pt. 12: Bum Armstrong

March 11, 2009 – 2:05 pm

Aw man! The F train comes through in the clutch with yet another chunk of comedic gold!

The date, 3/10/09. The time was approximately 9:15pm and the train pulled up to the Roosevelt Island stop and on RIDES this bum directly onto the train. Now, normally people who have a bicycle get off and walk the bike onto the train, not this man! Bum Armstrong opted to pedal his way onto the train car, hilare!

[As soon as I saw that shite, I knew this could only get better]

In efforts of chaining his bike to the railing he was trying to swing this heavy bike chain around the railing but just continually kept throwing it straight ahead, not the correct around the railing motion he was looking for — wasted! After getting help throwing the blasted chain, he takes a seat and literally RIPS into this plastic container. I heard this thing open OVER my music, which was blaring (as always). I look over, I see about three chips TOPS in this carton. Pmo! All that noise for nothing.

[I then thought to self, "self, this guy is abso ridic, let's not pay him any mind." Then I heard self say, "you liar, clearly youre going to pay keen attention in order to accurately post yesterday evening's moments of hilarity on AbsoHilare.com." Damn you self, always so wise.]

While zoning out to some tunes (Wale’s Mixtape About Nothing…still) I realize there is somewhat of a miniature subway-stampede going on. All the people from Bum Armstrong’s side of the train flee to the other side in haste as if someone released a deadly airborne virus.  So I’m like what the Weezy F is going on here…I take a look and this man is smoking a cigarette–on the train! Too bad he cursed everyone as they were running away, single-handedly redefining reckless abandon.

*dead.

(*brought back to life; boss.)

I couldn’t believe it, my friend and I blurted out in blatant laughter because it was just so wild. I’ve NEVER seen anyone pull that shit before, though I did see this one dude roll a joint (literally, a joint) on the 7 train, yeah. Luckily our stop wasn’t too far off so we endured the nicotine tainted air for a few minutes (while cracking up!) then went about our way.

AND just for the bluff callers who may say, “Oh Musin, no effin way bro!” I utilized my paparazzi abilities to snag the most solid of images. Without further adieu, Bum Armstrong.

LONG LIVE AH!

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Subway Chronicles Pt 11: Subway Song Gone Wrong

February 26, 2009 – 4:29 pm

Alright this didn’t happen on the train, it happened on the bus–but so what? As I thought to make a whole new Category I said to myself, “self, how often do you take the bus?” Surprisingly (lie) self said, “not often, not often at all.”  A dear friend of mine was fortunate enough to witness this comedic gem so I felt as if it was my duty to spread the hilarty. So with the wind behind me, and my fingers storming away, out came the latest Subway Chronicle! Alas!

Clearly Subway [no, not the train system] was onto something when the folks over in marketing pushed through this little 5 Dollar Foot long Jingle, but who would’ve thought this could go international?!

Here is the story as it was told to me:

So I’m on the bus and this random guy comes on singing that stupid Subway song…”Five!…Five Dollar!…Five Dollar Foot loooong”.. PMO! As he goes to take his seat he continues to sing the song the whole time. Finally he sits down behind a Spanish lady and her child then does the unthinkable. Out of nowhere comes, “Cinco!..Cinco Peso!….Cinco Peso FOOT LOOONG!.”

If I was on this bus I would’ve erupted in laughter, maybe even began the spanglish sing-along. What would possess a man to perform such a ridiculous act? Things like this make me want to take the bus more often as the Subway hasn’t been the most active as of late. Bums are quiet, people are behaving…nothing much to see these days. I bet when it gets warmer everyone will start with their shenanigans again.

Bring on the warm weathered tomfoolery!

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