Yup, one of the better weathered days in NYC today. The sun is now peeking out, things around the office have [somewhat] subsided, I’ve got some new good music to listen to and more importantly, I’ve still got my…Beard. Yes sir, still have the good old cheek fuzz poking out the epidermis. It’s a good day, no complaints here. I must say though, being a new (& proud) member of the Beard family…I wish someone would have told me all the great things that come with having a Beard of your own (As if you could borrow someones Beard, Musin? Foolio)
Things change when you have a Beard and guess what, being the kind Musin I am I’ve prepared my list of ten  things that happen once you possess fur like hair of the face.
1) No more Umbrella. Yup, it’s true. It’s been raining for the past 5 or so days here in NY and if it weren’t for the weatherman, I would’ve had no clue. Plus, you have a Beard now, you can’t just go walking around with an umbrella–pansy. Tough it out. Beard > rain.
2) Now that the Beard is in full effect, there is no need to say “you’re welcome” anymore. It’s true, someone says thank you for a kind duty you have performed, just nod your head and keep it moving. Never let your guard down for that “you’re welcome” weakness, the Beard never lies.
3) In the same light, plenty things no longer even warrant a full verbal response. With this new Beard, comes a new grunt. [Note: I am not sure at all what exactly a grunt is/how it's done/when to do it...but I will grunt] So if you ask me something and you get a grunt with a steely eyed stare, consider it as your response and govern yourself accordingly, punk. [Yup, Beard also does give you massive amounts of tough guy appeal. Bar fight, anyone?]
4) Now all of a sudden these vests/thin coats don’t feel so much like me. I think now that I am the owner of this new Beard I may have to invest in a denim jacket of sorts, or even some flannel print overcoat. Yup, the life of a Bearded man. Please do your best to contain the envy, bald face.
5) Meh, I’ll also be passing on the veggies/salad, maybe even rice too. A lot more hearty meals from now own; that’s what a Bearded man must consume. Steak, whole chickens, Slabs of ribs, those are the kinda meals we look forward to at any point of the day. Yes, with Beard you can now consume said items for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Fact - Beard never lies.
6) Clearly those meals (especially the ribs) have a tendency to get a bit messy, gravy and whatnot. Napkin? Fuck no, only the back of my hand will now be suitable to clean such mess. It’s the only way to go, you can’t be caught sporting a rich Beard and pampering your face with Kleenex Ultra Soft tissue. Wussy.
7) I don’t feel as if I should be up to date with modern technology. I have a Beard now; no need to update Twitter, right? In fact, out with the Blackberry also. Pass me a Bic pen, some loose leaf paper (couldn’t be caught dead with a notebook, not with Beard) and a Nextel i1000. I’d even opt for a CB radio on the side, it’s what happens man…it’s what happens. [Yes, I do realize that would mean no more updating AH, but clearly this is all fun & jokes…moving along! )
8 ) I will now need a new nickname to go by, something very Beard-esque. I was thinking Bruiser, Hank, Boss, one of those. The choice is yours people. I’m the one with the Beard so whatever you pick, I can’t lose.
9) Out with the VW Jetta, in with the old-school pickup truck (or motorcycle). Diesel only. Oh, I could never stop in New Jersey for gas because I would definitely get into a fist fight with the punk who tries to pump my gas for me. Rude. I have a Beard, I pump my own gas.
10) Clearly even the most bearded of folks have a soft side, so I will be purchasing a pet. Yup, you guessed it, a grizzly bear. So what if they could maul you? Pet must be as bad as owner, grizzly = necessary.
*Bonus: By growing your Beard it automatically makes you half as bad a Chuck Norris. Can’t be equally bad, truth is…no one is as bad as Chuck Norris. He can kill two stones with one bird, you know.
Grow your Beard, follow the above and enjoy your life.