So,

Unless you live under a huge pebble (*washes hands), you’ve heard about the flu de swine (*washes hands). Scary shit, I know. So scary that I even pondered sporting a MASK home (*washes hands) due to the fact that I take the Subway. But, as I thought about it further I realized that not only would being the only person on the train (*washes hands) with a MASK make me resemble that of a gargantuan douche bag (*washes hands), but people would probably also think that I was actually infected with said Oink Flu.

(*washes hands)

I’m not sure why but it’s the people with the masks that I see and worry about. Though a good idea to prepare yourself, I don’t think I will go with it just yet. Speaking of being prepared (*washes hands), I know a of a certain someone who once redefined being prepared for a certain situation. Itty, care to speak on this?

Well THAT’S not putting me on the spot or anything…  [Oh, Itty here.] I just happen to be afraid of unknown viruses and words like “pandemic.”  Is there anything so wrong with that???  Have you all not ever seen “Outbreak?!”  Dude, Patrick Dempsey does NOT fare well.  (Umm… Spoiler?)  Anyways, I always imagine that the first case of any new virus found in my small town will immediately result in the government quarantining the entire city and secretly planning to blow us all up and thus, solving the problem of the virus.  Things were no different when the Bird Flu came about in 2005.

It was all over the news and people were dropping like flies.  (Much like “The Golden Girls” these days… R.I.P. Dorothy…)  The usual scenarios start playing in my head.. Me being dragged away from my family telling them to be strong and I would be back in no time, all the while KNOWING I was about to bite it.  Stuff like this gets to me.  So, that’s when I tell my ex that we have to start a secret stash…  I don’t know what came over me in the next few days but I started stockpiling every non-perishable item I could get my hands on.  All of it…under the guest bed.  I mean, I was SERIOUS.  No bird flu was going to starve me out!  I was going to be prepared and every couple days I’d shove more bottled water or Ramen or cans of soup under the bed just waiting for the announcement to be made.  The one telling me I was on LOCKDOWN…

Well, as we all know that announcement never came.  So eventually I stopped the craziness and went about my every day life.  Until one night we had some friends over to help us move the furniture in order to get the carpets cleaned.   Things were going well until we got to the guest room.  That’s when I realized I had forgotten about my emergency rations under the bed and at this point it was entirely too late to do anything about it now.  They were in mid-move with the mattress.

There was an audible gasp when they saw it.  My secret had been exposed!

Everyone stopped and stared at me in silence.  Imagine how someone would look at you if they just found out you were addicted to something like clown po*rn.  Ok, now take that look and place it on my friends staring at me in the room.  Finally, Colleen, (Musin and I lovingly refer to her as Cleen) speakes up…

“Itty!  What is this?!”

*kicks rocks, looks down at the ground in shame, all the while my face is turning red…

“It’s… It’s my emergency food should the Bird Flu become a pandemic.  In case I had to be quarantined in my house…”

So, you know, I come prepared…  That’s the story.  Nothing more to see here… Move it right along.  And don’t forget your complimentary face masks.

[Musin here] And wash your hands (*washes hands) for it will help us all!